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100 funny facebook statuses

Updated on January 5, 2010

I have spent many hours looking for funny facebook statuses so that I can impress my friends with my wit. I know it's a little sad but we all like to make people laugh. I usually search for jokes and one liners then adapt them for my status. This is hub is a list of my 100 favorite status updates that I have used over the past year.

I have also started a website with hundreds of funny facebook statuses

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

I lost my virginity to my mum’s best friend.. It was my dad! It was the only time he told me he loved me!

I organised a threesome last night… There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

Guessing from the size of this year’s turkey, Joe McElderry isn’t the only one having a whopping xmas number two.

James is also available in spangled, nutted, wanker-ed, spanner-ed, mullered, out of it, trolley-ed, trashed and limited edition sober.

James had a survey done on his house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

Viagra can take up to 30 minutes to work. Unfortunately i find that by then the woman has wriggled free!

Why are people still getting married? Stats say that 3 out of 4 marriage’s end in divorce! If 3 out of 4 parachutes failed to open, would you go sky diving?

James has got a green belt in Karate. Which means I can get into fights but not in built up areas!

Why do people with bad breath always want to tell you secrets?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

James is growing marijuana on Farmville and selling it on Mafia Wars!

My wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

James just got kicked out of the library for placing all the bibles in the fiction section.

Hide and seek champion found dead in wardrobe.

Terrorist walks into a petshop and places a bomb on the counter. He says “You’ve got 2 hrs to get out” to which a tortoise replied “Oh cheers mate”

Nvr buy a chap kyboard without an

James has quit his job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone!

I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward!

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over; nobody’s home. I went over. Nobody was home.

Why don’t hedgehogs share the hedges?

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.

James asked God for a new car, but he knows God doesn’t work that way. So he stole a car and asked for forgiveness.

Computer just beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

James used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.

FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £500 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Treadmill for sale. hardly used, call Chubby.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

XXXX is writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

XXXX would like a meaningful overnight relationship.

ALWAYS GIVES 100% AT WORK: 12% Monday,23% Tuesday,40% Wednesday,20% Thursday and 5% on Friday

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we won’t get much done.”

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Hey – you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.

Some people say they hear voices in their heads. As opposed to where exactly?

To be continued.................

or if you can't wait, go to - facebook statuses

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    • profile image

      latavia 

      6 years ago

      that is so freakn funny

    • profile image

      Laura 

      6 years ago

      Get a life

    • profile image

      joska odong 

      6 years ago

      i have made some changes in my life if i don't return your messeges your one of the changes.

    • profile image

      vikram 

      7 years ago

      good

    • profile image

      badass 

      7 years ago

      yall r stupid...but in a haliroiuse way

    • profile image

      Ankita 

      7 years ago

      i am new here so pls add me as friend u can also add me as friend at www.meredosto.com my id there is http://meredosto.com/ankita

    • profile image

      sg 

      8 years ago

      LOL I love this one:"Computer just beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

    • profile image

      Trndichick 

      8 years ago

      so funny!!!

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