Do you need an iBeani ?
Most of us love our heads. Without something above our neck, combing our hair and applying lip balm could become very challenging, even if we weren't trying to do them at the same time. We pamper our heads with special soaps, lotions, Propecia, and cool stuff to hang from our ears if we have any money left over from the Propecia.
Our head is important to us. We cannot eat without a nice head on our shoulders. No one can look us in the eye. As Marie Antoinette and William of Wallace discovered shortly before losing theirs, a head is a terrible thing to lose.
As hard as it might be to believe, there are very few new and original inventions intended especially for our human heads. A veritable plethora of stylish head clothing can be shopped for and ordered online, but after several earnest days of online browsing, even work becomes interesting. We get bored.
Fear not: a new and amazing contraption has recently hit the head-market. This item combines two of the most important things you can do for your head. You now have the opportunity to wrap your melon in a product that not only captures warmth but also connects to your iPod. It's true. Highly skilled engineers, fashion designers, and marketing mavens combined their collective and individual talents to come up with the iBeani.
What, exactly, is the iBeani?
Imagine that your head becomes chilly. You could be attending a football game played outdoors or you could be hanging your head out the car window while driving 90 miles an hour in a snowstorm. You instinctively reach for your hat that makes you look like a World War I flying ace, with the intention of capturing the warmth currently leaving your head due to natural metabolic functions. The hat is warm and stylish. It will make your friends like you better while causing heat to accumulate in the immediate vicinity of your noggin.
Unfortunately, your iPod earbuds are not compatible with your strategic hat. The wires leave unsightly ridges along the sides of your precious head, progressing to even more unsightly bulges in your ear holes.. You find yourself faced with the unenviable choice of either disconnecting your tunes or losing one or more facial appendages to frostbite. We all know how that would turn out: you'd have no place to apply your piercings.
Coming to the rescue like a fire truck to a whiffle ball game, the iBeani provides an integration of the two functionalities you currently crave. No longer will you be faced with the choice of head-warmth vs music-listening. Your iBeani makes the choice for you, as you always wanted anyway.
How does the iBeani work, really?
Complex machines at the iBeani factory methodically combine a hat with a set of earphones. Of course, this explanation is oversimplified to the point of being understandable by MSNBC talk show hosts. The actual processes and machinations required to produce this mostly amazing product are highly classified. Spies from other companies striving to cash in on the hat/earphone craze work 7 hours a day to reverse-engineer the iBeani. Consider yourself fortunate that your employer does not put you under similar pressure to upsell the biggie fries.
Somehow, the wires and circuits and gizmos that make music play into your head are integrated with stylish fabrics that help body heat to hang around your head. It's all quite scientific. The actual physics and electronics involved would probably give you a nasty headache anyway.
Who endorses the iBeani?
Garage bands, Disney Channel superstars, and World War I flying aces all endorse the iBeani, we think.These folks crave the freedom offered by not having to pull their hat over their earbuds.
Recently, TV talk show hosts Hoda and Kathy Lee modeled the iBeani on their wildly popular network television talk show aimed at people who forgot to change the channel after Live with Kelly went off. Expect this endorsement to skyrocket the sales of iBeani accoutrement until someone over 19 years old appears in public wearing one.
What is the iBeani Web Site?
If you can't figure out the web address of the iBeani corporation, you're too old to order one. We do apologize, but you're obviously from a different generation that doesn't look stylish with a World War I flying ace hat stretched onto your head. Feel free to visit The Gap or Sears for more age-appropriate clothing that interfaces with your Walkman or your 8-track player.
Do not order one iBeani
Don't order a single iBeani. Order at least 10 iBeani products. Your friends will like you even more and your parents will think they are stupid: this is the optimal combination of emotions for maximal fashion enjoyment.