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Everex Cloudbook: Designed by Morons, Purchased by Idiots

Updated on July 13, 2008
The mini notebook for people who have SUCKER written on their foreheads.
The mini notebook for people who have SUCKER written on their foreheads.

I have a new top of the line coffee maker which is impossible to pour out of since the carafe drips all over the counter. I have a new top of the line ergonomic computer chair which is adjustable hundreds of ways but the seat back invariably slides down to the bottom as the tensioner wouldn't hold back a gnat in a tug of war. I have a new top of the line clamshell cell phone with external function buttons on the side that activate all sorts of features whenever I take a step with the phone in my pocket, along with the loud voice that announces them from the netherregions of my pants.

There's lots more: The big, deep slot in the side of the driver's door of my Chevrolet that not even the dealer knows what it's there for; the three separate remotes I need to watch one TV; the flip-open detergent release door in my dishwasher which is blocked by the bottom rack; my self cleaning oven whose expensive heating element breaks in half whenever I use it; the plastic handle on my new BBQ which melted on the first use... I could go on and on but I think you get the picture by now.

Just when you are about to give up hope and go live in a cave on a South Pacific island to get away from moron engineers who design junk that no one ever tests before they foist it onto the unsuspecting marketplace, you encounter the $399 Everex Cloudbook. When you read the specs, this 2-pound mini-notebook computer sounds like a great solution for your on-the-go lifestyle as it's tiny, light, capable, has a 1.2-GHz Via C7-M processor, 512MB of RAM, two USB 2.0 ports, a 30 GB hard drive giving it about four times as much more data storage as the Asus Eee PC, and runs the capable and attractive gOS operating system which makes connecting to the Web a real snap.

Then you start using it. And you realize that the isolated castaway island on the South Pacific is not far enough away to make you escape the imbecile braindead excuses for engineers who crafted this jaw-dropping POS. You might want to contact NASA to see if there are any one way tickets available on an upcoming Orion moon mission.

The first tip off is the touchpad. OK, it's on a small keyboard, but did they have to put it on the top right hand side where if your hand droops down even a tiny bit, you'll hit keys with your palm? Alright... you can prop up your elbow on a couple of books to keep your arm in the right position... but now you actually try to move your cursor with the touchpad, and since it's about the size of a postage stamp, placing the cursor even within an inch of where you want is possible only by miniaturizing your hand with a "Honey I Shrunk The Kids" machine.

Should you have fingers the size of toothpicks, then you run into another "slight" Everex Cloudbook problem which proves that the mini notebook got the name because that's where the engineers' heads were. Most windows on the web extend way off the tiny screen and you have to move the entire window up to click on OK-type buttons and then the top of the window is gone, so you have to move the entire window back down to close it... but the top bar to move the window is now off the screen! Do this for a few minutes and you'll be firing your Cloudbook out a cannon and through the clouds.

Doesn't anyone ever test out a product before they toss it onto the shelves? And are consumers so patently stupid that they keep buying junk that is completely inadequate for its intended purpose without returning the crap for a full refund? I guess so, otherwise, I'd be going back to the coffee maker store, the computer chair retailer, the cell phone kiosk, the Chevrolet dealer...

 

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