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I need a new computer

Updated on June 16, 2011

I want a new computer

Computers make the world go 'round. Without computers, we would have to go outside and play. We would be forced to talk to the neighbors, walk to the mailbox, and play board games on real boards with real other people.

I need a new computer. My current computer still works: it adds numbers pretty well and it usually gets me onto the Internet, but the time has arrived for some serious new technology. New computer hardware and software must become a part of my life. I can no linger live without the latest and greatest gizmos. The quest for a new computer begins now.

What should be in my new computer? What magic components will improve the quality of my life? Read on to learn my plans for integrating all the coolest hardware and software. Nothing can be more fun than this.

(c) ABC & Paramount Television. Wikipedia says it's OK.
(c) ABC & Paramount Television. Wikipedia says it's OK. | Source

My new computer must be fast

I want speed. It should turn on fast, power-up fast, and do everything else fast. The desktop should be loaded before the monitor warms up. The CPU should be so fast that it costs 10 times what everyone else's CPU costs.

This CPU will have tons of cores. There will be a core for every program that I launch. Solitaire will have a dedicated core. There will be a core that does nothing but manage all the other cores. I want to be able to add more cores when I run out of cores. If I find a core in the street, I will bring it home and add it to my collection of cores.

This CPU will run cool. It will have frost on it. I will install a cooling system that uses leftover parts from a nuclear power plant. The system will be so cool that Fonzie will be jealous.

I want my programs to load fast. When I double-click on an icon, the program should be up and running between the first and second clicks. Even Gimp will load fast, which seems to be a physical impossibility.

My new computer will store tons of stuff

When I get a new computer, it will have masses of mass storage. Every photo, video, email, document, pirated movie, and ringtone will be stored redundantly. I will never run out of space, but if I do run out of space, this new computer will have expansion capabilities for additional petabytes of online real-time solid state storage.

My backups will be backed up. Every storage device will be configured in a RAID configuration that ensures redundant redundancy operating transparently. When a device suggests the potential possibility of demonstrating a future failure, my new computer will automagically order a replacement that is newer and shinier.

My new computer will look really cool

This new computer will be wrapped in a case that is cooler than any other case conceived by mortal man. The swoops and fillets and divots and fairings will be designed by highly educated design school graduates who will clamber over each other for the privilege of working on my computer case.

it won't look like a computer case. It will look like a chunk of high art that belongs in a high art museum. Art students will read about it in graduate-level text books. Entire web sites will be dedicated to moodily lit black-and-white photographs of my computer case.

My new computer will have an operating system

As anyone with a Master's Degree in Computer Science already knows, a computer without an operating system is an expensive doorstop. My new computer will have the most modern operating system available outside the NSA. Computer geeks from all over the county will have their Moms drive them to my house to gaze upon my operating system.

Multitasking? My operating system will run every program at the same time. When I install a new program, that program will become part of the operating system. The kernel will absorb the new program. Any new devices added to the system will be immediately detected by the O/S and assimilated into the collective. Devices that have not yet been invented will appear as friendly icons in a jovial folder for few brief nanoseconds as the operating system configures dynamic drivers in real time.

Blue Screen of Death? The operating system on my new computer cannot be killed. The most virus-laden evil implementation of a Nigerian bank scam will merely cause my O/S to pause briefly while its artificial intelligence modules reprogram the program so it plays nicely with all the other programs. No program will ever be turned away because it can't get along with the other programs.

My new computer will have devices

My uber-fantastic new computer will hook up to devices. If it's digital, my computer will talk to it. My web cam will make Steven Spielberg jealous. My printer will be the envy of Random House. The tower will have an extra tower to hold all the USB ports.

it will be impossible to plug in the wrong device. Every device will plug into every connector. When the computer boots up, it will interrogate every electronic gizmo in the building and take control of all of them. I will control my neighbor's thermostat from my computer.

Wireless devices will submit to my new computer. The motherboard will include built-in WiFi, Bluetooth, WiMax, WAP, 802.11[a-z,A-Z], WAE, WSP, AM/FM, short wave, and microwave. HAM radio operators will covet my wireless network.

My new computer will be secure

No one will have access to my computer except me. My aura will be my login credentials. When I walk in the room, my system will instantly recognize me as the person who I am and greet me with a soothing glissando custom composed for me by grammy-winning people who actually write the music that is sung by pop stars.

All my data will be encrypted. The encrypted data will reside on magnetically-shielded storage devices impervious to hackers, crackers, and high school kids. I will have hardware and software encryption. My encryption keys will be encrypted. The encryption keys required to decrypt the original encryption keys will be stored in a hermetically sealed Adamantium/Carbonite composite footlocker that is locked inside a NEMA-13 enclosure wrapped in duct tape.

It's all been ordered.

Very soon, all this will be mine. My computer will be better than yours.


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    • sheila b. profile image

      sheila b. 6 years ago

      I love your last line!

    • Ingenira profile image

      Ingenira 6 years ago

      I think TV is losing its importance to computer, iphone, ipad etc....

    • dahoglund profile image

      Don A. Hoglund 6 years ago from Wisconsin Rapids

      I think I got past that stage.

    • Alexander Mark profile image

      Alexander Silvius 6 years ago from Portland, Oregon

      I should have known it was a Borg computer, but in order for it to do what you want it to, you would have to be... the Queen! I like how every new program becomes a part of the kernel - that makes total sense. Although, with 7 it might just work.

      Side note: I may be replacing my old, battery dead, Vista driven but still stubbornly operating laptop sooner rather than later, simply because 8 is coming and you know that MSFT cannot leave a good thing alone and a good OS only comes along about every decade. Best of luck with your uberputer.

    • joerdie profile image

      joerdie 6 years ago

      So did you order the parts? Or a built computer? I enjoy building my own. I think it makes me feel more personal to the object I will be using daily for years. Also, I don't enjoy the bloatware.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @The Frog Prince: That's the fun!

    • The Frog Prince profile image

      The Frog Prince 6 years ago from Arlington, TX

      nicomp - My advice is buy a cheaper model because if you're chasing the latest technology, it's a long expensive haul.


      The Frog

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @joerdie: Windows 7 will be on my new computer.

    • joerdie profile image

      joerdie 6 years ago

      I too really love Windows 7. Nothing is perfect. But Windows 7 comes with one complimentary back rub from Bill Gates!*

      *Bill Gates will not rub your back.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      If it's not a MAC return it!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      nicomp - Please order two and I'll pay you back. Promise.

      BTW - really funny stuff!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Robwrite : My new computer will be the Internet. Other parts of the Internet will not be on the Internet unless they are connected to my new computer.

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 6 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      Of course, your computer has to be able to access the internet anywhere. At the center of the earth or on the moon. No hot spots needed.

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @RTalloni : I forgot... my new computer will not be pretentious. That rules out the Mac. ;)

    • RTalloni profile image

      RTalloni 6 years ago from the short journey

      Hope you ordered a Mac. ;-)

      Seriously, this is funny stuff. :)

      I'm off to do something else now, thanks to you.