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Witty and Funny Status Updates For Facebook and Twitter

Updated on September 27, 2018
stricktlydating profile image

Hubpages writer StricktlyDating is an Australian writer creating pages of original funny quotes and status updates.

Once you’ve told your online friends something funny about yourself, you can make them laugh with these unique, witty and clever status updates for Facebook, Twitter or wherever you hang out online.

Funny Status Updates

  • Sharing used to mean having good manners. Now it means publicizing what you are doing on Facebook.
  • I saw your status and I laughed so hard tears ran down my legs.
  • When I wake up my eyebrows are already on my face!
  • Thanks for sharing what you eat. Guess what! I eat too.
  • Yes, I let my pets make relax on the couch, that's why it's called FURnature.
  • I bought a slow cooker. Then I wondered why I didn't just use my fast cooker on low heat!
  • You cannot push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  • What's blue and not heavy? Light blue.
  • I could be so skinny if I didn't have my tastebuds.
  • Dogs can't operate an MRI but CATSCAN.
  • Dear YouTube, I will always skip the ads.
  • I wish my wallet came with free refills.
  • I constantly check my phone for no reason.
  • My name is Google and I am the one you've been searching for.
  • Fanipad: Someone who is a fan of ipads.
  • Fanipod: Someone who is a fan of ipods.
  • I am learning to make eye contact before shoe contact.
  • Fandroids: People who prefer android devices.
  • My best status updates are the ones I've left unsaid.
  • Why fall in love when you can just fall asleep.
  • Remember when you were the best thing I ever had? Yeah. Me either.
  • I can't take this long distance relationship any more. Fridge, you're coming to my room!
  • Accidentally calling your Doctor babe. OMG.
  • Nothing makes me smile more than the muscles on my face.
  • IMMATURE: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
  • Relationship status: Leaving Soon.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your crap and knowing you're crap.
  • That awkward moment when you accidentally call your boss "Sweetie".
  • Sorry Television. The internet has killed you.
  • Sorry Laptop. The tablet has killed you.
  • I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner".
  • I'm livin' la vida-broka $$$
  • "Justin is only famous for his looks" Beliebers: "Yeah, I bought his album to listen to his face".
  • When I break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and walk away.
  • If you're my FB friend, I am stalking you. LOL.
  • I've already forgotten 50% of yesterday.

  • Once in a while someone really amazing comes along, and here I am!
  • Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad.
  • I want you to know I'll always be here for you (But only on Facebook. Don't go calling me up).
  • When I text someone and they don't text me back, I assume they fainted with excitement.
  • Won't be able to update my status for a while. I'm so busy being HOT.
  • You wanna know who's an amazing person, with the most gorgeous smile? Read the first word again!
  • I wish I could block some people in real life.
  • Sometimes I wish I could download food.
  • I cover my mouth when I sneeze so people don't catch my awesomeness!
  • Wow, sure looks like I've logged into Sookbook today!
  • Relationship Status: Unchanged since last week.
  • Relationship Status: What relationship?
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
  • Anyone with over 500 Facebook friends shouldn't really need to take their own profile picture.
  • Everyone has that one person on their friends list who keeps tagging them in embarrassing photos, and Karma will eventually come their way.
  • I am not offering a free holiday. I don't have a terrible illness and I have not lost any weight. But you can like and share this status. For no reason.
  • No Grandma they must have made a tagging error, that was not me in that photo.
  • I'm very athletic. I surf the web for hours.
  • When someone you meet asks for your surname, they probably want to stalk you on Facebook because they couldn't find you on Twitter.
  • I wish Facebook notified me when someone deletes me, that way I could 'Like' it.
  • I'll be back online in 5 minutes, if I'm not read this status again.
  • I only look back when there's a really good view.
  • Some call it stalking. I call it love.
  • You call it stalking I call it following my dreams.
  • My mom is on Facebook more than I am!
  • You know you're Aussie when there's a spider the size of a dinner plate on your lounge room wall and you don't mind.
  • If swimming burns off calories explain whales to me.
  • I missed Gym class today, that's 6 years in a row.
  • Some may call it flirting. I call it TALKING!
  • You look like I need a drink!
  • I've just about gone poor trying to look rich.
  • Cinderella is proof that shoes can change your life.
  • When I want to go home from work early, I just take my makeup off so I look pale and sickly!
  • If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • I'm not a Cougar, I'm a jaguar!
  • I'm not shy, just hold back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you by posting fantastic status updates.
  • Forget the skinny photos I want create my own before and after photos. Before I'm completely awake and after shower, hair and makeup. There is a huge difference
  • I love it when someone updates their status saying they're doing something amazing but you can clearly see on their location that they are just at home.
  • One day I hope to have as many friends as I do on Facebook.
  • Why add me as a friend if you're not going to be friendly?
  • No one knows you're stalking until you accidentally hit the Like button.
  • Just because I added you as a friend doesn't mean you can tag and share photos of me from 1999.

Poll about Facebook status updates

How often do you update your Facebook status?

See results

© 2012 StricktlyDating

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