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My Iphone And My Gay Horoscope

Updated on April 9, 2009


Ever since I got my iPhone I have been kvetching about it. As I’ve said hundreds of times before, I love the iPhone for everything except the phone. Oh yeah, and the camera. The phone itself is awful and when I first got it, it used to drop more calls than gay wrestlers drop opponents in the ring and in bed. After several software updates I do not get the telltale beeping noise telling me I’ve lost a call and I won’t be able to call back my mother for at least three minutes because she still thinks she’s still talking to me as much as I did when I first got the phone but honestly, after living with the phone for over six months now, I have to say that the best thing about the iPhone are the applications you can load onto it. Where else could you turn but to the Magic 8 Ball when you’re trying to make an important decision? Beside the 8 Ball, one of my fave applications is the horoscope application. Well recently the horoscope application got an update too. Now it includes important things like your typical daily horoscope, your work horoscope, your pet’s horoscope and then much to my surprise your gay horoscope. My iPhone and my gay horoscope – Don’t Get Me Started!

I have to admit that the first time I pressed my index finger to the gay horoscope I felt a little naughty. I mean, what would the gay seers see for me? I thought it might talk of things like the fact that I would indeed be getting that cute sweater I saw (even if I was buying it for myself) or that no really my hair looked good today, you know, something like that but nothing prepared me for what I saw and how, dare I use the word, “offended” I got. “Your mind will be cloudy and decisions hard to make today. Perhaps staying up too late has caught up to you again. So get some early shuteye tonight and ignore the call of the chat rooms, web sites and 1-800-HOT-GUYS love lines.” What the hell is this? My how unimaginatively stereotypically ridiculously awful! Meanwhile tomorrow what I have to look forward to is more of looking tired but the good news is that the guys at the office will notice I got up early to work out. What the hell? Oh, so that one workout is suddenly going to flatten my abs when it’s taken me months and months of eating improperly and limiting my exercise to opening the refrigerator door (feel the burn in the triceps) to create the massive lump of fatness around my middle that I’m now convinced is cancer and has nothing to do with me and my lack of trying in earnest to get rid of my gut?

While some people get offended when gays are reduced to lisping queens I tend to get more offended when we’re reduced to the sex crazed constant sex monster image that people try to paint us out to be. I think these stereotypes are more harmful. Queens tend to make everyone laugh and laugh at themselves while the insidious sex crazed monster gay stereotype continues to create fear among Southern (mostly white) Americans that we gays only want into the military so that we can get into their eighteen year old soldier’s foxhole.

I don’t spend my time in the locker room of the gym (well let’s face it, I don’t spend too much time at the gym doing all that much presently) hoping to get a glimpse of some naked guys, I leave that for the closeted straight guys. Frankly, most of the time when I’m looking at a guy’s ass it’s too see the waist size listed on the back of his Levi’s and reminisce when my waist was that size. I know I’m supposed to be having penis envy but most of the time anymore it’s just waistline envy or thinking if I only looked like this guy or had their G-A-A-A-Y Triple Threat (Great Abs Ass and Arms), I might have had a chance at a career in the show biz.

I’m really okay with people thinking I’m the next Paul Lynde. I’m not okay with people thinking I’m the next Jeffrey Dahmer. So while I know some gays may be getting their life predictions from the iPhone’s gay horoscopes, I think I’ll stick to the ones that are much more serious and real, you know, the work, travel, beauty and pet horoscopes! My iPhone and my gay horoscope – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • johnnyslaughter profile image

      johnnyslaughter 6 years ago from New Jersey

      EXACTLY! when I go into the locker room at my school, all the jerky straight guys accuse me of looking at them! And for some reason gays are associated with pedophiles.... Whyyyyy?

    • Lifesrich profile image

      Lifesrich 8 years ago from Southern California

      There is no turning me off Scott. I am hooked on reading you. The G-A-A-A-Y had me rolling on the floor. Now... off to your next HUB.

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 8 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Well said...although I must admit I'm a bit disappointed to find out gay guys don't have sex 24/7. What's the point in being gay? (she says tongue in cheek) lol! ;D