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The Best 25 Ever On Facebook
Erica must be self-indulgent now, or else she'll be a terrible mother
1. In my experience, life has proved to be neither lucrative nor efficient and hence I can justify filling out Facebook surveys.
2. One ounce of chia seeds contains 11 grams of fibre and the 18% of the recommended daily intake of calcium. Unfortunately, they made a website where I can regularly consult similarly uninspiring insight.
3. The first time a boy ever tried to kiss me I shoved a fresh homemade bun in his mouth. Since then, my level of grace in such situations has only marginally increased.
4. I get hung up on mostly meaningless phrases that I once deemed brilliant. Whenever I write anything I eagerly return to my meaningless phrase compilation, with the hopes that they’ll finally find their well-deserved place amongst literary excellence. They never do.
5. Someday I aspire to successfully incorporate a song I made up about chakras into a story or a play. It’s to the tune of head and shoulders knees and toes and the lyrics are: “Cervix., coccyx, navel, sternum, navel, sternum, navel, sternum, throat, nose, head.”
6. Writing is like sex, because every time you start something new, it’s like you’ve never done it before.
7. I could have avoided a great deal of emotional disruptions had I fully comprehended the kindergarten lesson that, “life is not fair.” Yah, but- No buts. Suck it up, sweetheart.
8. That said, I’ve seen a lot of people suffer from mental illness and its series of unpleasant aberrations. It’s far from self-indulgent narcissism.
9. Sometimes when I swallow one of my vertebrae pops or my pelvis shifts.
10. At age ten, I became a vegetarian because my dad was concerned about mad cow disease and I wanted to be like my sister. One of the benefits was that I didn’t have as many choices at restaurants. I appreciated this because the lateral sides of my torso are squashed and inhibit my gallbladder’s ability to make decisions.
11. Around the same time I became a vegetarian, I contracted athlete’s foot which has since spread to my toenails, many of which have fallen off. I think that I dwell on this too much.
12. I’ve never had a kidney orgasm. Or eaten a kidney that wasn’t a bean.
13. I am modest and often insecure about most facets of my life. My facebook persona is an exception. If you’re not my friend on facebook, you’re missing out. Let me change that to a positive construction because that’s what all the life coaches are recommending these days. You should feel truly blessed to be my facebook friend.
14. I was in kindergarten the first time I thought that there might be some sort of coherence to the universe. One of my favourite books was African Giants. It was about hippos and giraffes and elephants. One day, I went to school and learned that for the next month all the classes from kindergarten to grade three would be doing a unit on Africa. Then on Sesame Street Big Bird and Mary Lou (or Mary Beth or Terri Louise or whoever that girl with the blonde hair and a pink face was called) were going on an African Safari.
15. Life lined up again last Friday. Having forgotten to bring underwear to yoga, I set my facebook status to, Erica has gone commando. Then in translation class, we analyzed the expression Commando-eclair.
16. I used to have a poster of Nelson Mandela with the caption, “There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.” Jesus and I had a little thing going for awhile.
17. Sources of temporary consolation on the arduous path to freedom: the thought of swimming, improvisational dance, inversions, dreamless sleep and or my little foster brother Glendon rolling across the kitchen floor in his walker.
18. Here are some things that I aspire to transcend: my obsession with comsumptibles and bodily functions, ruthlessly comparing myself to other people, leaving used Kleenex on the floor and my belief that there is virtue in self-deprecation.
19. Although outwardly, I am chronically facetious and sarcastic, I take most things excruciatingly seriously. I may not have much to show for it, but there’s a lot going on in my head.
20. Once a man with Down Syndrome generously expanded his seventy-two word vocabulary to include my name, Cococococa. It’s the best nickname I’ve had.
21. In grade twelve, I briefly corresponded with the author Carol Shields who was dying of breast cancer. She told me that I would never be bored because I seemed like one of those lucky people who could live in the moment. She also said that all the excitement lay in words, literature and in the life of the mind and that these gifts would never desert me.
22. The song of my life is Both Sides Now, by Joni Mitchell. No matter how I look at anything, all I recall are illusions.
23. The ulcer potion tastes like tree.
24. My roommate sees dead people, and I don’t drink my pee anymore.
25. I made it through this whole thing without scatological references and now I need to go replace a broken toy.