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There Is No Cell Phone Lane When Driving, People!

Updated on March 22, 2011


You know who you are, you’re the ones who have ignored Queen Oprah when she’s asked you not to drive and be on the phone (unless it’s a hands free operation) or to be texting and driving. No, you won’t listen to the Queen of all things that enrich and create more passion and goodwill in all our lives. How dare you disobey Mother Oprah! Shame on you! But you see, I don’t care whether or not you want to listen to Oprah, I care that you’re on the road in front of me going 20 miles UNDER the speed limit so that you can chat away or text with someone when you should be paying attention to what you’re doing…namely driving a vehicle you moron! So while Oprah may ask you to sign a pledge form I’m simply letting you know the fact, there is no cell phone lane when driving, people! – Don’t Get Me Started!

I don’t get this whole phenomenon. As someone who uses a Bluetooth headset (and sometimes doesn’t) I get that there are times when you’re in your car and you’re going to be on your phone. What I don’t get is how you somehow enter a world that is so all about you that it causes you to not even be able to focus on the task at hand, driving. There is no doubt that talking on the phone while driving is a distraction but what gets me more than anything is that the whole cell phone culture is making us some rude mother fuckers. These drivers who seem to not be able to use the accelerator and their mouths at the same time (as someone who walks and talks fast I have no idea how these two don’t go hand in hand) piss me off no end. When I get behind someone going slow, I first give them the benefit of doubt that perhaps they have a real impairment by looking for the handicapped license plate or placard hanging from the rear view mirror. Surely you have to be 90 years old or handicapped to be driving so slow as to be going 20 mph under the speed limit, right? But more often than not, after I can finally find a way to pass them I look over to find they are not aged or handicapped, they’re just on the phone. And while some reserve this for the right hand “slow” lane, I can tell you that I’ve encountered these assholes in all lanes and on small side streets to freeways. And again I cry, “There is no cell phone lane when driving, people!”

But it’s not just the chatty drivers that are so rude you want to hit them with a large sized cell phone from the 80’s upside their heads (and the bag you used to have to carry around with the battery for the phone). While some places like the post office or bank, post signs for you to not be on your cell phone while receiving services there seems to be nowhere we can go without our beloved cell phones anymore as if we’re so freaking popular that Gaddafi may be calling us at any moment to ask what head wrap to wear today, and let’s face it, no one wants to miss that call because he may ask Hitler lover, Galliano instead because now that he’s been fired from Dior he has nothing to do all day BUT answer his phone, that is if anyone is speaking to him anymore! And we all know you can’t ask a Hitler lover for fashion advice…hmmm, maybe that’s where the whole emaciated model ideal came from, just another thing for me to blame on Hitler. I like it!

I remember the simpler times when you would rush home to see if there were any messages recorded on that little micro cassette in your answering machine. There was a time when not returning someone’s call in the first five seconds after they’d left you a message was not considered rude but was in fact normal answering machine etiquette procedures. But now if someone doesn’t answer the phone we’re immediately suspicious. “Ah ha! They’re screening my call.” (Never mind that you’re calling in the middle of the work day and they can’t pick up.) Then comes the voicemail, “Hey, I thought we were friends but now you’re not picking up my calls? Nice. Fuck you. But call me back right away, okay?” We think we’re so important that no matter what you’re doing from eating to driving a car to taking a crap, we demand you answer our call when we call. Stop, drop and roll used to be what to do when you were caught on fire but now it’s how we expect the people we’re calling to respond. Stop what you’re doing, drop everything for my call and roll over to my call if you’re talking to someone else at the time my call comes in! I’m amazed at how far we’ve come as to enable our technology to supply us with self esteem and false empowerment.

Here’s a nutty idea. Try turning your phone off every once in awhile. Try not taking it to the bathroom with you. Try not leaving bitchy voicemails on a friend’s phone when they don’t answer. Try turning off the phone while you’re having a meal with another person. Understand that not everyone needs to hear your conversation about some bitch you work with as you scream it to your friend on your phone while in line at a store. Realize that unless you’re a doctor or Susan on Desperate Housewives waiting for a kidney transplant, almost every call that comes in will not be so important that you can’t return it in an hour or more after it comes in. But more than anything, for the sake of my sanity, you have to realize that there is no cell phone lane when driving, people! – Don’t Get Me Started!


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    • clark farley profile image

      clark farley 6 years ago

      "...the White zone is for Loading and Unloading only, there is no stopping in the Red Zone..." (sorry, for some reason your Hub Title made me think of this line from 'Airplane', which is, of course, one of the three funniest movies ever made).

      In any event, good hub!

      The question I have is: does technology allow an (increased) need to be created or does it simply fufill a greater expression of a need that is under-served by the previous technology?

      In other words, do we talk more because we can or because we are encouraged to?

      btw, I also have the Bluetooth thing in my car and while I am sort of an anarchist at heart, I would venture that hands-free phones are just as dangerous as holding the thing to your ear. Maybe more dangerous!

      At least with a hand held phone you might remember that you are talking on the phone...the real danger in talking on the phone while driving is what happens to us when we talk, we 'go visual' in our brains...since the person we are talking to is not present, there is a much greater tendency to describe elements of the conversation, which forces us to go inside our heads.

      ...or something like that

    • d.william profile image

      d.william 6 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Another excellent hub with an actual message, realism, logic and humor. LOL. Loved it. Good job.

    • Triplet Mom profile image

      Triplet Mom 6 years ago from West Coast

      Absolutely love this!! Hilarious and too honest! Voted up and up!

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 6 years ago from Las Vegas

      Thanks Ladies, Let's spread the gospel of civility!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 6 years ago

      GREAT Scott GREAT Hub!

      You hit the nail on the head! Too funny while doing it! What are people thinking? Yep, they aren't thinking at all!

      I follow all things Mother Oprah and took her pledge ages ago! The pledge makes perfect sense!

      So I am not tempted by my cell phone while driving, or anything else in my purse like, 'oh heavens, I need some lipstick,' I put my bag in the trunk!

      I agree also, turn off your cell phone when you are getting your nails done, or standing in line at the post office, or asking the butcher for lean chicken breasts, etc.! None of us need to be interrupted by your sophomoric conversations!

      Let's start a Civility Movement! Starting with courtesy to each other with cell phones!

      Have a GREAT day GREAT Scott! EarthAngel!

    • Mrs. J. B. profile image

      Mrs. J. B. 6 years ago from Southern California

      YOU CRACK ME UP!!!!!! I love how write your hubs. You are brilliant. You need really to be on stage doing your thing. You are just to damn funny...