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Top 10 Epic Phail PC Technologies: Linux

Updated on May 25, 2009

To apply the vernacular of the modern online PC enthusiast: Linux is an Epic Phail. Why?

Linux enthusiasts will wax prosaic on the magnificent, spectacular, wonderous, and nearly divine bounteous variety of distros which in their poor, addled minds equate to a delectable cornucopia of choices whereby a personal computer user can precisely and accurately match their requirements, preferences, tendencies, and aptitudes to an Operating System which fits them like a well tailored Armani suit.

Somewhere along the line, total and complete insanity took over the Linux world. Sure, I can see the issuance of an Operating System that may or may not be compatible or even conversant with another in order to maximize the user experience, but can anyone who has not been mainlining heroin since the age of 6 possibly justify the concurrent existence and promotion of:

64 Studio
ALT Linux
Arch Linux
Ark Linux
BLAG Linux
Caixa Mágica
CrunchBang Linux
Damn Small Linux
DeLi Linux
Eagle Linux
EnGarde Secure Linux
Foresight Linux
Impi Linux
Kurumin Linux
Linux Mint
Lunar Linux
Mandriva Linux
Musix GNU+Linux
Pie Box Enterprise Linux
Puppy Linux
Red Flag Linux
Red Hat Enterprise Linux
Rxart Desktop
Sabayon Linux
Scientific Linux
SMS -Slack Mini Server
SliTaz GNU/Linux
Source Mage GNU/Linux
SUSE Linux Enterprise Server
Symphony OS
Xandros Desktop OS
Yellow Dog Linux
Zenwalk Linux

Aw, fer cryin' out loud! This ridiculous litter from two Linux Rabbits who were left alone to breed uncontrolled combines with the appalling lack of a cross-distro standard of just about anything to make Linux nothing more than a grim joke. Distros are different from one another in sometimes astounding ways, with the availability of commands, interface functionality and appearance, and application configuration varying wildly from one distro to the next.

However, the non-existence of any meaningful standard across distros is only one of many outrageous Linux deficiencies. Some of the many others:

Installation of applications
When you can actually find one of the very precious few Linux apps that is actually worth running when you consider the depressing lack of decent, competitive apps past OpenOffice (and the first commenter to state that the sadsack GIMP is "just the same" as the industry standard stellar Photoshop CS4 will not just be summarily be submitted to eternal derision, but all their friends and relatives as well), now you have to plough through the minutiae of distribution diversity, version conflicts, compilation inadequacies, missing dependencies...

Lack of drivers
I have a great idea. Go get a brand new, state of the art AMD-ATI or Nvidia video card. Now make it work in Linux. Good luck, sucker! Hey, while you're at it, why not install a printer, scanner, camera, or darn near anything else that is classified as "new hardware."


Modem problems
Just try to make a 56 K modem work in Linux without an advanced degree in Penguin Propeller Headery. Have fun. Send me a postcard when you manage it.

Linux is supposed to be that miraculous little kernel that can function admirably on any 10 MHz computer with 1 MB of RAM or some such nonsense but in real world usage, the speed and responsiveness of most Linux distros fall well short of Windows XP or Windows 7, and in some cases neck in neck with the pre SP1 Vistas!

Deficient, granular graphic user interface
Boot up, say, Ubuntu. Welcome to an orange nightmare of an Amiga 2000 screen. On my 1920 x 1200 24" monitor, Ubuntu looks like it was displayed in darn near VGA mode. The pixels are the size of pearl onions! The cursor is the size of my foot! And no, it's not because I've set my graphics adapter wrong, it's because most Linux distros are outrageously granular on modern screens. If you can get around the stomach turning ematogenic qualities of Linux graphic user interfaces, just try to navigate your way through the Brobdingnagian convoluted pretzel of a File System.

Linux is a total Epic Phail!

Continued in:

Top 10 Epic Phail PC Technologies: Search Engines

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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Yeah, make a printscreen of your bluescreen noob. Also don't forget to report the crash in you mind to Micro$oft. Sucker.

    • profile image

      Elias Epirotes 

      6 years ago

      Unfortunately, the only thing that is an epic fail (and not phail! though I certainly understand that this is due to artistic license) is your article. I wish you had at least tried to be as objective as possible, but it seems to me, you had your mind already made up (or worse: you got paid well to write a this piece of disinformation, full of outright lies and half-thruths.) I have been a PC user since DOS 3; I have worked with almost all MS Windos OS from then up to the current Windows 7. Since 2007 I am also a Linux Ubuntu user, so trust me I know what I am talking about, because I have experienced both types of OS long enough to be able to offer a qualified opinion.

      1. The many linux distribution. You lament about the sheer number of distributions, even comparing it to breeding rabbits (reminded me of racists when I grew up in Germany, because they said the same thing about foreign families with many kids), yet you fail to explain that this is because of the nature of Free and Open Source Software in general. Free (as in freedom and not necessarily as in "free beer") means it is freely distributed and you are free to do whatever you want with it (well, almost since it depends on the license used). Since it is also open source, you may change it, repackage it and redistribute it freely. That is where all those distribution come from and not from unrestricted breeding. And yes, I belong to those "deluded" people who believe that is a positive thing. See, you try out a distribution and if it is not what you were looking for, you move on to the next.

      2. Applications: what you fail to mention is that for the average home user, most applications are already preinstalled (and no OpenOffice or LibreOffice now is not the only quality software available), but also that any application he may need additionally is easily installed. Your Gimp vs. Photoshop is also just laughable: The reasons why professionals prefer the latter is not because it is superior in any way (and I personally know professionals who swear that Apple is way to go as far as image and video processing is concerned). I also seem to remember that one of the Shrek movies was made using Gimp, so can't be that horrible as you want everybody to believe.

      3. Lack of drivers: First of all it's not the Linux developpers' fault, if there are no drivers available, it's the companies that sell hardware that comes only with Windows drivers. And it just happens that I did just that a while back with an ATI card and it worked out of the box with the open source driver, although with limited 3D-support. A couple of months later ATI also released a propriatery (closed source) driver and I had then also 3-D support. Mind you this was a couple of years back, meanwhile even the open source driver supports most cards with decent 3-D support. Also, you fail to mention that usually the average home user does not need to install any driver (except for the graphics card maybe), because there are generic drivers compiled in the Linux kernel. In my more than 4 years in Ubuntu, I never needed to install any driver, apart from the graphics card, and I have changed a lot of hardware since. Also, 4 years ago when I upgraded my current machine, Ubuntu did not mind at all that there was all this new hardware and booted up just fine. Try doing that with Windows and see if you can do it without major hassle or even a reinstall.

      4. Gaming: Nice laughter there, but still a half-truth is a half-truth. There are a few decent native games fro Linux, so it's not like it is impossible to play games in Linux. There is the possibility to play Windows games through wine (see and of course you can still have a Windows partition and use it to play any game you cannot otherwise play in Linux. Point of fact, I used to play Neverwinter Nights 2 and after searching and asking around I managed to make it work in Ubuntu through wine, too.

      4. 56-K modem is obsolete technology, even if there are still many who use it. And again it is not Linux' fault, it's the fault of the manufacturers who don't care enough for Linux users, because we are such a small part of the overall market.

      5. Slowness: you gotta be kidding me, right? Trust me I run both Ubuntu and Windows 7 and Ubuntu is a tick faster than 7 in all respects: it boots faster, it is immediately useable when it has finished loading the desktop, while in Windows you still have to wait for any background applications to load before you can start working. It frustrates me every time I have to do something in Windows, because I'm not used to this waiting anymore. By the way, of all your arguments, this is the one argument that makes me suspect your are on an MS payroll.

      4. Deficient, granular graphic user interface: That is a load of rubbish and you know it or should know it, if you had tried to be more objective. The reason why Ubuntu has this low graphics user interface as default is, because it is faster and to help out users with old machines. Otherwise it is easily customizable and you can make as goodlooking as you want. Hell, you can even make it look and feel exactly the same as a Windows 7 GUI, minus the lag. And of course, you picked conveniently Ubuntu and failed to mention Kubuntu, where the opposite is true, since the default GUI there is full of eye candy.

      5. Filesystem: don't know what your problem is, but at least the ext4 filesystem used in Ubuntu is all ways superior to to any MS filesystem. For one there is no noticeable fragmentation; one of the first things I noticed after starting to dual-boot Ubuntu and Windows was that my hard disks were much more silent in Ubuntu, while in Windows you always hear that read/write sound (sometimes you hear them even work when you do absolute nothing and the PC is idle).

      6. Security: It speaks volumes that in your list of arguments you fail to mention the fact that linux machines are in general more secure than windows machines. But then of course you would have to say something positive and nice about it and it would have been difficult to spin something negative into it, like you tried to do with most of your other arguments.

      So, no it's not Linux in general and Ubuntu specifically, since this is the distribution I use and know well, that is an epic fail, it is your biased piece of opinion (or rather disinformation) that is an epic fail!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      You are noob man! ahahaha get a life

    • profile image

      Anonymous Coward 

      7 years ago

      So says the guy on his Linux powered webserver, uploaded from home though his embedded Linux router just before sitting down to watch TV on his Linux powered set-top box.

    • profile image


      7 years ago

      Ok, look...I'm a windows-user too. It's what I'm fluent in. But your portrayal of linux is heavily swayed by your obvious dislike of it, and certainly doesn't even come close to a fair assessment. I've used linux since back in the no-desktop days, and it's really quite comfortable now.

      On numerous occasions, I have let people try a livecd linux. I've simply said "there's your start button", and walked away. Not one of them was the slightest bit computer-savvy, and not one of them had any trouble using it. Most people surf the net, check email, and rip off music from somewhere. They MIGHT, on occasion, be looking into the contents of their "My Documents" folder. All those things are easily accomplished on linux without any additional instruction.

      As for getting devices to work, you're either way behind the times (yes, even 2 years ago), I have yet to find ONE device that won't work on any decently maintained flavor of linux. Are there versions that totally suck? Of course!! You mentioned Ubuntu, touted as the most sucks on many levels. So do many others, IMHO. That's not to say there isn't a version out there for everyone. Let's be honest here: the vast majority of computer users don't require a "well tailored Armani suit". It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this sort of functionality is mainly aimed at the geeks.

      I use windows. I use linux (PClinuxOS). I use Mac OSX. Each and every one of these has major and minor annoyances. NONE of them are anywhere near perfect. BUT...each and every one has some extremely valuable strengths.

      In the end, I believe it's about choice and ease of use.

      All 3 OS's do the job.

      Now can we please stop all the bickering and just allow people their own right to test and choose for themselves without hindering them with erroneous and spiteful information?

      It might be prudent to do some proper homework before spouting off in such a manner. ;)

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto


      And, my dear, my noobness has only 26 years of computer technical experience. How old are you? :)

    • Meskarune profile image


      9 years ago from Oberlin, OH

      I hate apple pie, and there's no way in h*ll I'd let something bigger than 6 ounces come out of me from ANY hole...

      I installed arch linux on my brand new intel quad-core computer with a Nvidia GeForce 9500 GTgraphics card, and it worked perfectly, I could even play fallout 3 on it. Don't blame your noobness on the OS...

      The reason there are so many distributions is because different types of linux are used for different things. Server linux, NAS linux, Linux for usb thumb drives, linux for hardware diagnosing, linux for the desktop, linux for super computers, linux for mobile phones, linux for robots, etc, etc. It is possible to install or use linux on any device with data reading capabilities.

      Is Linux for everyone? No. But it fails at nothing if you RTFM.

    • Hal Licino profile imageAUTHOR

      Hal Licino 

      9 years ago from Toronto

      No funnier than the Linux supporters who are likely to show up here soon insisting that their OS is the greatest thing since motherhood and apple pie! :)

    • Gypsy Willow profile image

      Gypsy Willow 

      9 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

      Love it!!! So funy!


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