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What Does Your Cell Phone Say About You?

Updated on July 20, 2017
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Theophanes is a New-England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of cats.

Imagine you are a criminal investigator just showing up on the scene of a recent homicide. It’s a gorgeous summer day and the lead investigator is some guy with lots of swooshy hair, a kick-ass pair of sunglasses, and ability to say everything he could possibly want to with only a scant vocabulary of 50 or so words. This is your first job, you’re bit nervous as you look over at the carcass of some poor sorry sod lying sprawled over the cement with a cell phone lying beaten and battered three feet away from his hand. The guy in the kickass sunglasses nods to you and then the phone. There’s no need for actual conversation here, so you pick up the phone and start to muck about with it to see what you can find out.

Suddenly the phone starts vibrating and singing DUN DUN DUN DUN, otherwise known as Beethoven’s fifth. The ID flashes across the screen. The avatar depicts Godzilla ripping apart Tokyo and the name reads The Queen of Hearts. You pick it up and utter a nervous, “Hello?” The voice on the other end starts to yell, “Who is this?! Who has my son-in-law’s phone?!” You stutter something stupid and try to explain yourself before you snap the phone shut with relief. “Apparently his mother-in-law is a real ballbuster.” You try to tell Mr. Killer Shades. He gives you a sort of half smirk and you’re back to doing your job.

You find an app on the phone for Craiglsit and about 80 women replying from the “personal” section. You also find 800 conflicting text messages, and something called iAmaMan. In a password protected account it lets the phone’s owner know which one of his eight girlfriends was on the rag, which ones were ovulating, and which ones were likely to be engulfed by PMS inspired fits. Hmmm, you’re starting to see how this guy ended up with a bright red stiletto heel through his forehead. You theorize that one of his many chickas realized it wasn’t him sending sweet nothing to her inbox but his Girlfriend Keeper app. Or perhaps someone had discovered him using LocalSin to find an easy hookup. This guy was chasing so many tails it’s surprising he wasn’t killed sooner.

You tell your boss all you have learned and one of your fellow phone investigators starts to tell you all the odd things she’s found on various phones in the past. There’s everything from dog whistles, fart generators, something called Gotchya Sucka, automated pick-up lines, and bizarre ringtones galore. “We had one phone that just shouted, ‘You can’t eat your pudding if you haven’t eaten all your meat!” whenever it rang.” “Really? I had one guy in here that programmed his wife’s phone to buzz like a mosquito every time it rang.” “That’s really dreadful…”

Alright, so the above scenario is something that came from my twisted imagination but it’s true, your smart phone can say loads about you. I mean what is in your photo gallery? Anything embarrassing or weird? What kinds of games do you play? AntSmasher? Angry birds? Draw Something? Do you have your FaceBook on there? Your Ebay? Your Etsy? You might as well have a little encyclopedia of you to keep on your person when you’re out and about. And what about the text messages? I know I got some pretty funny ones, like when I texted to my boyfriend about a degu (looks like a mix between a gerbil and a chinchilla) on the loose. He replied, “Oh that’s good. I thought I saw a baseball-sized brown thing run by me the other day.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” “I thought it might have been in my head.”

I also use my phone as a calendar, alarm clock, day scheduler, and keeper of all my phone numbers. If someone got a hold of my phone they could easily talk to everyone I have ever known through the information on it. Think about it. Spooky. I know in my little homicide story I made the owner of the phone a complete douche bag but who else could I have afforded a stiletto heel to the forehead? Sometimes I work backwards like that. That all being said you can be a completely descent human being and still have stuff on your phone you don’t want other people to see. Where is the world coming to when technology is so all-inclusive like this? I found several apps that would make a stalker’s life far easier than I feel comfortable with! One has facial recognition software and could find your photo anywhere on the internet, another was a GPS locator using your phone and internet postings to track your exact location, even going so far as to calculate where you might be if it can’t find you! Will there be no such thing as privacy anymore? Will we ever be able to escape our own technology when we want to? I don’t know, but it’s an interesting thing to think about.

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