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Email - First World Problems

Updated on July 31, 2013
Me after clicking "Email Us"
Me after clicking "Email Us"

Windows Live Mail

I never use you yet whenever I am on a website and click Email Us you pop up like spam in my pudding. So I type out a message and hit Send. Do you send? No, you do not. Rather, you cram my missive into your Outbox, aka the Ninth Level, and inform me that you will send it later. When you feel like it. Maybe.

Thinking possibly I’m not signed in, I search out and find you on my computer. *God, you make me feel like a neophyte* I click on the Outbox to find my message and push Send. Oh, the irony. Again you do not send. You do not wish to be bothered. You tell me that I am offline; I am not. Your torment is merciless. I see you laughing in my face. You don’t even bother to wait until my back is turned. Your ridicule pains me to my soul but do you care? Again the answer is no.

Scam Collector

And yet my Inbox has managed to collect over 11,000 offers from Nigerian businessmen, the Nigerian branches of both the NSA and FBI, as well as several penis enlargement manufacturers (most likely based in Nigeria). I went to the FBI website! You didn't expect that, did you? They know about you. Do you really think that you can fool me? I see the pattern that you attempt to hide within another pattern. I saw Inception. I can connect the dots, add things up. What do all of these propositions have in common?

You.


Seduction of Innocence

A friend of mine innocently downloaded your app onto his iPad. He tried to watch a video that had been sent to him. A large black box opened and did nothing. So he clicked in it. A smaller black box opened bearing the Eternally Buffering Serpent.

Serpent, that says it all, doesn’t it?

Why do you exist? Is it to balance out the good of the other email services? Could they not beat you into submission or destroy you completely? It is the great imponderable.


You have slithered into our lives via the intertubes leaving remnants of your presence wherever you pass. You lurk within our laptops, dither in our desktops and twerk in out tablets.

The Serpents Spell

And what is the significance of the Eternally Buffering Serpent? You keep it close. So close as to arouse suspicions. It is more than a pet. Have you invested a portion of your soul within it? Is that why you guard each other so vigilantly?

It does seem to have your warped sense of humor. Does it feed off of our frustration, toying with our expectations, teasing us with promises never to be fulfilled? I have come to anticipate nothing but the viper’s kiss. Like Hypnotoad, it entrances us, turning us into your somnambulant victims.

  • Victim > Servant > Minion

This is vury serius.
This is vury serius.

Behind the Curtain

How does all of this connect to Nigeria, for connect it must? Is this where you found the Eternally Buffering Serpent? When and why did you entrust such a creature with a piece of your immortal soul? Were you led there by ritual adorations of Basement Cat? I believe that I now hold the proof that yes, Basement Cat is behind all of this. It is all so clear to me now. He created you. And I suspect Nigeria has pockets of space where the light of Ceiling Cat’s great and wondrous Mozilla cannot shine, cloaking your movements and your true master’s paw print. I know you for what you are. Trickster!

Basement Cat Unmasked
Basement Cat Unmasked

By all that’s binary, I swear I will defeat you!

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