My Life and the Net; Once Upon a Time
Reality versus Delusion
I have had horrible experiences in the internet over the years. I am talking about from 2009 to the present. A lot of things, mostly horrible things, had happened to my life and in my internet experiences. The only beautiful thing that had happened in the net is finding my husband (my soul mate, Greg) through the net.
Evolution of my personality before the Net and the present (chronological)
2008... This was a trying year in my life; lots of major things happened that completely changed and redirect my life situation.
= I brought Colin to the hospital, first thing in that very early January 1, 2008. He was diagnosed having Burgher's disease and was confined in the hospital for 8 days.
=January 19, 2008, I was in the hospital for the operation of my eyes. I had progressive cataract that could make me blind if the operation could not be done immediately.
=February 26, Colin and I ran away to the South, Iligan City, from my stable position in school and from his entanglements with his ex-wife and other destructive relationships.
=March through October, Colin's struggle with cancer till his demise on October 31, 2008.
=Before Colin died he asked Betty (his sister and my beloved friend, my angel) to buy me the laptop with the request that I would write our love story...Betty bought me the laptop in September or one month before Colin died.
Life after Colin
Colin was the reality, or some other type of "delusion in the reality of life?" But I had accepted him along with all his enormous faults at the time; and acknowledging also my own need for a company or someone to love me and care for me after my husband Adrian died two years before Colin came into my life. Besides, my son and I had a falling out for many reasons...his wife, basically and his instant success in his career and business; my daughter was on her own working and studying at the same time with a very caring boy friend (Sunny, who is now her husband) to give her full attention. I was left out with a heavy heart and here comes the persistent Colin, a neighbor I've known even before my husband died.
Life of Loneliness
Colin gone, jobless, taken for granted and rejected by the family; these are just among many reasons of my grief and sorrow and the feeling of being alone and losing my own life. I just existed and was awaiting for my end; the worst part is the realization that I am not young anymore to start life anew on my own.
After Colin's death I stayed alone a month more in the condominium; then I remember that I still have a family, my son's family. I went to stay there only to find out that he was not with his family, he lived in an expensive condominium by himself; he was in the process of legally annulling his marriage; his wife bitter, hated me for not doing anything to keep the marriage intact.
I went back to the North, where I stayed and had a job for fifteen years, and lived with my newly married daughter; she delivered her first born 13 days after I joined her family. My daughter is sweet but she has her own family, then I realized that I was completely alone. My loneliness was confirmed.
I got sick, bedridden, wishing for death, feeling useless, suicidal and attempted to gradually kill myself by taking high doze of morphine every day until I was in the state of getting paralyzed.
Brother Escobar and my best friend on the rescue
A big surprise happened when my sister told me that Brother Escobar was in the Philippines, and out of the blue my desire to see him triggered me to struggle to stand so I can see him once more. I struggled to limp my way to the church where Brother Escobar was preaching as a guest speaker that day. I saw him in the pulpit; my heart skipped, the nostalgic memory of my Dad's and Mum's unfailing love for me came back to my mind and miraculously I felt the desire to live again. Brother Escobar saw me too as I came in late; he had been expecting me after my sister told him that I was also here in San Fernando. After the sermon, Brother Escobar came down from the pulpit and walked toward me; we hugged and were both tearful; we were both very happy to meet again after those decades of not seeing each other; we had lunched together with all those unending recalls and stories we exchanged. I was in the Mission House at age 15 when Brother Escobar left, he was forty-five.
When my best friend, Ma'am Veron learned that I was back to Angeles City she told my daughter to let me see her in her new post in San Fernando. We talked and she convinced me to work again; another miracle happened within me, I felt alive again and I accepted the offer; that was when I started teaching back, after one year away from my position in the school.
"Angels" within me.
I know that I got angels within me. My parents unfailing love for me, even when they had long been gone. My Colin's love for me and Adrian's too, serve as my "inner angels" who preserve me and provide for me even when they had long been gone to the Creator.
So those were the situations when I was supposed to be just waiting for my end; I was in a depressed state. Then I lived alone as I started working back, my only companion was the laptop. I was not very much enthusiastic with the internet unless there were things that I would like to research and pictures that I would like to copy. Pictures such as flowers, trees, castles, birds and the rest of those beautiful things in nature, were my favorite pictures to copy and preoccupy me.
I was okay when I was in school but once I was home, the loneliness and the grief overcome me; the laptop was a distraction from my grief and I started writing my story; Colin and Jenny Love Story.
It should have been just okay if not for the twists and the "disasters" that when it started had never stopped pestering me. It happened when I came across chatting and meeting notorious hackers who had eventually destroyed my laptop.
I was just starting to enjoy my internet activities and knew nothing about hackers and computer technology when one man was so angry at me and had opened my accounts for everyone to abuse. My ignorance with the internet and the bad people here caused me to entrust my password to that person who was seemingly wonderful at the start. I was so trusting and didn't know the danger. That started the hacking spree.
The destruction is huge...not just my laptop in which it eventually became useless to me but also my files...everything was destroyed including my accounts, my id's, and my psychological set-up when it comes to people in the internet. I lost trust to everyone because I cannot tell who is real and who is not. This is the reason why I avoid being "friendly" in the net. The only person I talk to in the net is my husband, aside from my daughter and sometimes my grandchildren.
But despite all these, I still believe that the angels within me will find a way for me to celebrate life. My husband is my angel and I met him in the net.