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10 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Airliner Pilot

Updated on April 23, 2015
What a view.
What a view.
Airline passengers having a good time.
Airline passengers having a good time.

Flying takes courage.

For most people, their first time to fly on an airliner is very frightening. There is something unnerving about hopping on a machine weighing in the tons and suddenly you are as the birds, airborne and after you are around 30,000 feet in the air, there is nothing below you but down.

I have never flown for the mere reason I do not want a plane full of rank strangers to view me emptying my stomach's contents into this shabby paper bag. It's that simple. I am not going to make a foolish vow and state, "I will never fly," for each time in my life I have said I would "never" do such and such a thing. I ended up doing that very thing.

Off for another adventure.
Off for another adventure.
A beautiful scene.
A beautiful scene.

I know what I would do.

But with my ability to dream, I can dream that I am sitting securely in an airliner seat having my every comfort afforded me by a professional (and pretty) airline attendant. I would probably order a huge cup of regular coffee, a dozen jelly-filled doughnuts, and a few crisp fishsticks. That's it. No movie. No headphones. Just what I ordered and time to enjoy it. After all, this is my first time to fly.

The airline taxi's to its designated runway. Then after reaching a certain speed, whooo-eeee, we are in the air. This is fun. Big fun. I am really getting into this flying thing, I think to myself while munching those jelly-filled doughnuts. I should have done this years ago.

Airline pilots are pro's.
Airline pilots are pro's.
Passengers love the comforts of flying.
Passengers love the comforts of flying.
Airlines now have female pilots.
Airlines now have female pilots.
Flight attendants work very hard.
Flight attendants work very hard.

My worst fears are realized.

But, as soon as I am so happy that I could shout, a voice comes over the intercom. It's the pilot. He does not sound so funny as he was on the ground. He sounds concerned. I, along with the other passengers, look at each other with stunned looks on our faces as we have to listen to . . .

10 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Airliner Pilot

10.) "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need for alarm. We just lost an engine, but our pilot's manual says we can fly to our destination with three engines."

9.) "The fighter jets we picked up on our radar are following us, but no need for panic, they are ours."

8.) "A heat-seeking missile has just blown-off another engine, but our pilot's manual says we can fly almost to our destination on two engines."

7.) "We are making an unscheduled-landing in a wheat field in Kansas."

6.) "Does anyone know anything about airliner maintenance?"

5.) "Ladies and gentlemen, the stew that you were served for lunch had meat of an unknown origin."

4.) "We are carrying a grizzly bear in the cargo pit, but do not worry. The bear's trainer assures us that the bear can be captured before he gets into the passenger area."

3.) "Do not concern yourselves with the thick cloud of smoke coming from the engine to your left."

2.) "We are sorry, ladies and gentlemen. We over-shot that wheat field, but we can find another one in a jiffy."

1.) "Do not panic, folks. We just lost our two remaining engines, but our company tells us that when we land in the other wheat field, they will meet us in the morning with some brand-new engines."

"This is your pilot, Kenneth Avery. Thanks for flying Ken Airlines."

Comments

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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hey, Thelma,

      No worries. You will not hear 'these' announcements

      from your pilot. Fact: NO airline pilot anywhere knows me.

      Thanks for your delightful remark.

      May peace and joy surround you.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      word55,

      I love your idea.

      But when I fly with your airline, well, just keep me in the air.

      And visit with me when you aren't on a trip.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, greeneyedblondie,

      Thank you so much for your sweet comment. Did you realize that THIS is the first comment you have ever left me?

      I do appreciate it very much.

      And I am also glad that your plane didn't vanish.

      Oh, excuse me . . .

      This is your captain speaking. Please buckle your seat belts and welcome to Denver.

      Now.

      Come back and visit me anytime.

    • profile image

      greeneyedblondie 

      3 years ago

      "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need for alarm. We just lost an engine, but our pilot's manual says we can fly to our destination with three engines." I actually heard this recently on my way to San Antonio. We had just reached our altitude when BOOM happened. A huge red flash came out of the right engine. We didn't drop from the sky at all so I thought we were fine. We ended up turning around and landing just to take another plane. It was scary!

    • word55 profile image

      Word 

      3 years ago from Chicago

      Hilarious Ken, You just might spook someone to never fly again by those 10 sayings and turbulence on a plane is normal. You just gave me an idea. I might get a license and fly my own airplane. Thanks!

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 

      3 years ago from Germany

      Oh my! I hope I will not get some of those announcements from the pilot above when I´m flying. I can relate to that video. LOL!

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