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Updated on March 19, 2014


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Your First 5 Day Cruise

All Aboard! This is your Captain Paschal speaking. As we disembark on your first cruise, be prepared for some fun in the sun, some beautiful sight, some more beautiful women, all of the delicious food you can eat, and plenty of booze (for the drunks). We are leaving from Any Port USA, and should be arriving at our first destination in two days, please find your cabin, unpack and get comfortable, and join us on deck for the safety briefing at 6pm sharp.

First of all, In the event of a small disaster, we may have to jump ship. There are life rafts placed strategically around the ship and enough vessels for all of the passengers to evacuate safely. The Captain however, goes down with the ship. This is how you deploy your life jacket, blah, blah, blah, etcetera and etcetera.

DAY 1 –

Please feel free to walk around the ship, as it is new to you yet old to me. There are plenty of sports activities, dancing, games, bars, and as I mentioned earlier, all of the food you can eat. The ocean is beautiful from here, isn’t it. Dark blue waves ripple for as far as the eye can see, only lightened temporarily by our ships propellers, then back to limitless dark blue. I’m sure you have noticed all of the scantily clad ladies and buff gentleman lounging in the equatorial sun on deck. Please be sure to purchase sun screen ($18 a bottle) and sun glasses for the pervs, that want to people watch with out drawing attention to themselves. I have mine on right now. You can get yours from our fabulous gift shop. Also, if you have sensitive skin, we sell hypo-allergenic soap ($15 a bar).

Day 2 –

You should be nicely intoxicated by now, due to yesterday residual alcohol, as well as the fresh drink in your hand. I’ll be getting white-boy wasted in the captain’s chambers, and we should be arriving at our first destination around noon. You can sight see, enjoy the white sand beaches, or even swim with the dolphins! Make sure you bring your passport and be back on the ship no later than 6pm. Or else we’re leaving port without you. The drinks are even cheaper on land and the natives sell everything from coconuts to sand. You won’t find a more economical massage, for $10 an hour you can be treated like royalty!

Day 3 –

Destination # 2, even more lovely than the first. Notice, there are no mosquitoes around these parts. Check out some of the ancient artifacts, if you’re in to history. Para-sail, snorkel, or whatever tickles yours fancy. Tonight is the Captain’s ball, so ladies wear your fancy attire and stop by my chamber’s so we can ball. Drop the kiddos off and unwind. I hope you’ve been enjoying our world class night club with the hottest disk jockey’s, freshest music and most delicious libations.

Day 4 –

Another day at sea, then it’s home again, home again, jiggity jig. I hope you’ve been enjoying the gym and the steam room. Sweat out some of that alcohol. Go to the spa, get a facial, get a body wrap, get weight trained. Whatever floats your boat; pun intended. Play some volleyball, play some basketball, or bingo, go see a comedy show, learn how to hip-hop dance. Turn down for what?! We’ll be arriving back at Any Port USA early tomorrow afternoon.

Day 5-

Enjoy one last buffet style breakfast. Exchange information with all of your new friends and business contacts. It’s almost time for our journey to end. I hope that you’ve enjoyed yourself as much as I have. I’ll be on deck catching some last minute rays.

Wait a minute, If I’m on deck sun bathing.. Who’s steering the ship!!

Sunglass P

Things to pack
By day
by night
optional, bikini tops, t-shirts
dress shirts, casual jackets, button ups, butto downs
swim trunks, khaki shorts, bball shorts, bikini bottoms
dress slacks, skirts, underpants
baseball caps, sombreros, du-rags, swim caps
fedoras, casual dress hats, church hats
suntan lotion, sunblock, deoderant
soap, toothpaste cologne, razors
athletic shoes, flip-flops, boat shoes, water shoes
dress shoes


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