At Least Ten Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Hear About Your Vacation
There was a time (I’m told, I think it was in the 1950’s and 1960’s) when couples would invite you over after they had returned from a vacation to hold you sort of hostage in their house. They would feed you first (usually using a fondue pot they got for an engagement gift and had never used so there was great trial and error as you dipped food into hot oil and it tasted like licking raw meat that had been in the Maxwell House can that your mother would pour grease into after making burgers or whatnot. Then they would ply you with alcohol and before the last bite of the Sara Lee cheesecake could be consumed, your hosts for the evening would gently motion you into their living room (living rooms that were never used for living back in the day, they were only used for “special” occasions and more often than not looked like an exhibit in a museum sans the red velvet rope in front of it, permitting you to look in but certainly not touch or sit on any of the furniture.) With a screech louder than a sixteen car pileup, the host would do his magic trick of taking a screen out of a long cylindrical tube and ratcheting it up to a metal hook above. Voila, instant movie theatre (but trust me when I say there would be no cartoon, previews or candy dancing enticing you to go to the candy counter) as the Kodak slide carousel was taken out of its orange colored box, all you could do was hope that there was only one carousel and not many. For as the loud projector motor roared and the dust mingled in the light emanating from the illuminated lens, you knew you were trapped. That’s right, the next several hours would be spent seeing slides that were taken in Bora Bora or the less than exotic Baltimore but no matter what the location, your hosts would feel the need to go into great detail about each and everything you were seeing. “See that tree, whoa, this is a funny story, well Bob actually said that there wouldn’t be any trees in Baltimore and the minute we got out of the cab there it was a tree, so we took a picture of it. The amazing thing is that if you look close I think you can see Jesus in the bark. We’re thinking of sending the picture in to some magazine for a contest. What do you all think?” So here it is, at least ten reasons why I don’t want to hear about your vacation – Don’t Get Me Started!
1. I cannot for the life of me remember the last time that I was on a vacation. Sure I’ve taken off to attend things such as weddings, funerals, a bris here or there but some exotic location with umbrellas in the drinks, doesn’t ring a bell so don’t tell me what a great time you had in great detail when I’ve been working and see nothing other than working in my future. The correct response when I ask how your vacation was is, “Really great.” Anything more than that and I will begin the decent into hating you more than the five extra pounds around my middle.
2. No sending me e-photo albums. When I’m on the computer I’m working (at the job for which I get paid) or for my blog (which is another job but no cash involved yet I’m sorry to say) so if you think I’m going to spend an hour looking at your photos trying to figure out if you’re wearing a really stupid hat or a monkey from the island adventure cruise you went on, you’re mistaken.
3. Don’t make me look at scenery photos. When I was young my father always told us not to waste film on scenery shots (Yes, back in the day there was film and it cost money to get it developed). My father’s motto was that if there wasn’t a person (that we knew) in the picture, don’t take it. For some reason that has always stuck with me so I’m extremely bored when you try to show me pictures of Mount Whatever and all I can think of is, “What a waste of film. Doesn’t this person know they’re not supposed to take pictures without people I know in them?”
4. Don’t show me the jewelry you paid too much for and then give me a long explanation about it as if you’re knowledgeable and not the sucker you are. “It‘s made by this Inca tribe that doesn’t use any modern day instruments so they fashion these crude pieces of jewelry to survive. They only make two a year and none of them are alike so that’s why they cost $1,500.” My response? “Oh, I was just going to ask about that driftwood around your neck on that piece of twine and ask if your kid made it for you.”
5. Please don’t be someone who has to tell me every minute of every day that you were away. “The first morning we got up and we were shocked because we didn’t know that they had a free breakfast at the hotel but they did and I have to say it was yummy. Next we were off to take a drive up the coast. You probably haven’t ever driven up the coast so let me explain everything to you (as if you’re a complete imbecile and have never seen a road by water before). Of course we had to stop and take pictures of the wildflowers. I mean, can you imagine flowers like this growing right by the side of the road?” You get the idea. There are those who think I need to relive every moment from their trip again and again as they tell the story. Well you’re not Aesop and this is no fable I want to hear because I know half of the shit you’re just making up anyway.
6. Nothing in real life could remind you of something that happened on your trip. This is just a ploy so that you can talk about your vacation again. “Oh, that pot holder you’re using? Well the third day of our trip we stopped at an Indian village and they had all sorts of handmade crafts and can you believe that there was a rug there that had been woven by one of the elders and it almost had that same shade as your pot holder running through it? You probably don’t know this but the way that they create these is very indigenous to the area they’re from and they’re really beautiful but I could tell that some were better than others.”
7. Just because you visited somewhere for five days doesn’t make you a local. “On the fourth night we went to this restaurant in the town. It wasn’t one of those touristy places, you could just look around and tell that there were only locals there. So Biff and I fit right in at the restaurant just as if we were from that part of Africa too!”
8. Airline stories are just about the worst. As if hearing the adventures of your trip to some all inclusive resort on an island isn’t bad enough, why do you think the details of how your luggage got marked up, lost or opened up on its own at the airport or what the pilot said as you flew over the Grand Canyon would be of any interest to me?
9. I don’t care if I watched your dog, gave your mother-in-law a kidney in your absence or started your cars every day for you please do not bring me back the ten dollar tchotchke as a token of your esteem. I don’t need an almost real puka shell necklace or a glass in the shape of a tiki god that goes from smiley to sad when you put liquid in it. Save your money, a simple “thank you” will do.
10. Don’t constantly remind me that I need to go where you went when I finally do get a vacation. “Oh, I saw on the calendar that you’re taking a long weekend next weekend. Are you going to the Sandals resort where Bob and I went? Oh that’s the only place you should go. I can tell you that Brandon was our guide for the mountain tour and he was awesome. You have to ask for him. And no doubt Rodolfo at the piano bar will remember us because if we paid him to play “Feelings” so that we could sing with him once, we did it a thousand times and of course everyone loved it. What? You’re going to a wedding in South Carolina? Oh, well next time I’ll tell you exactly what you need to do, you need to go where we went and do everything we did because we had the perfect vacation.”
And those are at least ten reasons why I don’t want to hear about your vacation – Don’t Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com