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Bob's Barricades- Several Things to Avoid Besides Hitting Them

Updated on August 31, 2014

Do Not Taunt These Things!

Roadside Badassery Right Here!

Okay, so we all know the rules regarding certain boundaries, right? Sure, jumping over the neighbor’s fence to purloin a few tomatoes isn’t a problem with some folks, but nobody (and I mean nobody) will cross the line drawn by one of those plastic borders on the grocery store conveyor belt, no matter how many tomatoes are on the other side. Sure, bunches of people don’t have a gripe with breaking a car window to steal a cell phone or pair of sunglasses on the seat, but if they’re on the seat of an open-topped convertible? Forget that; there are just some depths of Hell that will never be tempted.

So it goes with Bob’s Barricades. There isn’t a single sane individual on the planet who would dare tempt the border prepared by these tough orange and white barriers of the roadway. Let’s face it; we all know who (we think) Bob is in the world. Bob of Bob’s Barricades has it all together, right? Women see those bright orange and white barricades, barrels, and flashing amber lights, and they see success, power, and the sex appeal of an Adonis. Men see the Bob’s Barricades being set into place and they bow their heads, paying their respects to the man who knows all that’s right or wrong on the roadways of the world.

But it hasn’t always been this way. Bob’s Barricades first came onto the scene in Sunrise, Florida sometime around 1975. Since then, Bob’s Barricades have been working in the dangerous field of temporary traffic control and eventually reached the status of cultural icon. Those sturdy A-frames dressed in white and orange stand as firm sentinels of the preapproved path, standing proudly among their brothers in arms, the orange and white Bob’s Barricades barrels. Sure, it’s been a tough, dusty road on the way to the top. But the proof in the badass pudding of Bob’s Barricades is summed up in one momentous sentence:

Chuck Norris thought he could cross the barrier created by Bob’s Barricades, but his tears of shame and limp of regret made him reevaluate his place in the world. That’s right; Chuck Norris does not goof with Bob’s Barricades.

Because of the taking down of an iconic tough guy like Chuck Norris, your humble author has created this educational lesson designed to help you survive and be happy in a world where there exists Bob’s Barricades. These are the seven things you should avoid when it comes to Bob’s Barricades, where Bob’s Barricades exist, and when Bob’s Barricades get pissed off at you.

Do not taunt Bob’s Barricades

Yes, yes, there have been those daring enough to taunt Bob’s Barricades, but they soon learned the meaning of regret. Those A-framed sentries of the highway stand firm against the moronic pseudo-drivers of the world. Haven’t you seen all the B-movie car chases, where the bad guy races through the barricades, only to end up either in the drink or going up in flames after running into a tanker full of liquid nitrogen? Sure, the standing barricades continue standing firm amongst the broken remains of the fallen soldiers, giving testament to the fact that their unspoken demands to stay on the path should have been heeded.

So, do not taunt Bob’s Barricades. If you think you have what it takes to taunt Bob’s Barricades, then ask Chuck Norris what its like (if you don’t mind seeing the man cry like a little girl).

Do not steal Bob’s Barricades

There have been those who thought they would be the offender of the Bob’s Barricades chain and steal one of the Bob’s Barricades sentries.

“Hey, Bub! Hold my beer and watch this! I’m a gonna steal me one of those Bob’s Barricades! Yahoo!”

“Uh, I dunno Deke. You heard what happened to Chuck Norris when he went messing around with one of those, didn’t ya? Some say he ended up that way, crying like a little girl at the drop of a hat, because he thought he was badder than a Bob’s Barricades thing. You don’t thump a free melon, and you don’t push it with Bob’s Barricades. My mom told me that.”

Okay, just so you know, Deke is dead. No, there’s no big loss, but a lesson should be learned all the same. You see, there’s the longstanding rumor that the technology in the orange blinker light on the Bob’s Barricades barricade originated with technologies found in the Roswell incident and perfected in traffic control laboratories in Area 51. There are also reports that Bob’s Barricades owns spy satellites that maintain a geostationary orbit directly above each and every Bob’s Barricades barricade and barrel. If they’re removed from their station and deviate from that location by more than a few feet, mind altering subsonic frequencies are sent via clandestine and arcane methods from those satellites, causing offenders to scratch incessantly, eat gum from under strange picnic tables, and kick over Harleys when there are more than ten of them in a group. These beams also cause lesions that continually bleed throughout the length of the colon, eventually leading to required medical attention, coma, and potentially death.

Do not deface Bob’s Barricades

Sure, we’ve all heard the horrifying stories of why Sméagol (Gollum) turned out the way he did, or why the Hunchback of Notre Dame was vilified, or why everyone secretly hates Lindsay Lohan. While the stories were concocted to frighten little children into behaving and going to bed on time, but the truth of the matter is that these offending freaks of the world’s underbelly felt they could take a can of Krylon to Bob’s Barricades. Does anyone really know what happened to Dan Rather? Sure, the drummed up the story of claiming conspiracies regarding Bush (come on, kids; what always happens with journalists talking smack about Bush) but the experts claim he tried to paint ‘Bush bites it’ on a Bob’s Barricades barrel.

Hey, do you really want to know why Jason Alexander’s career has gone like it has lately?

Do not deviate from the path dictated by Bob’s Barricades

The road to the Pearly Gates is lined with Bob’s Barricades. The secret to a happy marriage is lined with Bob’s Barricades. The better way to make a Caesar Salad is lined with Bob’s Barricades, and croutons. The road to Satan has no Bob’s Barricades. The life of crime is no place for Bob’s Barricades. Bernie Madoff did not adhere to the philosophies embodied by the spirit of Bob’s Barricades. Tiger Woods never had the opportunity to cheat on his wife with Bob’s Barricades.

Martha Stewart might find solace in the comforting warmth of Bob’s Barricades*.

Bob’s Barricades tells children which way to go if they want Santa to come. The Dalai Lama has a stone sculpture of Bob’s Barricades in his personal quarters. Michael Moore accidentally sat on a Bob’s Barricades barrel and lodged it in his ass, which is why he’s such a dipshit. Paris Hilton tried throwing herself at the feet of Bob’s Barricades, but was denied and sent home crying. This planet is rarely struck by asteroids, comets or meteors because the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter is lined with Bob’s Barricades. Never assume you know more about anything than Bob’s Barricades.

Donny Osmond won on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ thanks to Bob’s Barricades.

Do not laugh if Stewey Griffin mocks Bob’s Barricades

This is self-explanatory, people. We all love the boy, but there are limits in the world. There are limits in the world, and they are lined with Bob’s Barricades. We mustn’t laugh if Ashton Kutcher falls over Bob’s Barricades (unless the barricade rights itself and Kutcher somehow sets fire to his clothes).

Do not vote without Bob’s Barricades

Okay, we all went to the ballot boxes without Bob’s Barricades and look what happened. Our country is in tens of trillions of dollars in debt and what we had left we gave to the wealthy so they could know what it’s like to collect welfare. We have Nancy Pelosi in charge of something beyond her own fevered imagination. We have an economic system so completely broken that it’s actually decimating the future of our country and its inheritors but we still kiss its ass anyway.

Bob’s Barricades knows the way. Bob’s Barricades, with the orange and white stripes and the big, round blinking light can lead us to salvation, economic prosperity, peace on earth, and the final season of The Bachelor. Bob’s Barricades knows the way to human sentience and civilization. Bob’s Barricades knows the way to the return of the popularity of the Pet Rock and the Tamagotchi. Bob’s Barricades knows where the streets are paved with gold.

Bob’s Barricades can solve the Rubik’s Cube without a cheat sheet.

Bob’s Barricades can balance the budget. Bob’s Barricades can reform healthcare in ways nobody else can, and in ways where the anesthesiologist doesn’t cost extra. Bob’s Barricades would rebuild the Twin Towers. If Bob’s Barricades lined the border, that problem would be history. Bob’s Barricades would do away with diplomatic immunity. Bob’s Barricades would eliminate the need for the HOA.

Never ignore Bob’s Barricades.

Bob’s Barricades are here for you. Bob’s Barricades knows what’s best for you and your children. Bob’s Barricades recognizes empty calories in fast food, and Bob’s Barricades only cooks with the finest ingredients. Bob’s Barricades ensure clean mops in the kitchen, and Bob’s Barricades can throw a Frisbee that flies straight and true. Bob’s Barricades sets the thermometer to 78 degrees, and Bob’s Barricades has a fond appreciation for the health benefits of dark chocolate.

There will never be ‘mystery meat’ when it comes to Bob’s Barricades.

Bob’s Barricades recognizes the limitations of Vitamin A. Bob’s Barricades loves Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and knows all the cool parts by heart. Bob’s Barricades has seen every episode of Star Trek ever made and still makes it with the ladies. Bob’s Barricades knows how many calories are in that meal you’re eating. Bob’s Barricades would never recommend juice cocktail. Bob’s Barricades recognizes the benefit and pleasure of garlic powder in recipes. Bob’s Barricades thinks Jim Gaffigan is funny.

Okay, so there you have it. Not only does this intriguing and brilliantly written article highlight the importance of Bob’s Barricades in our lives, but presents seven things to avoid when dealing with a world where Bob’s Barricades is present and accounted for, sir. So the next time you see Bob’s Barricades, give a humble nod and the proper respect, because Bob’s Barricades are an important part of your life, could very well save your life, and would be happy to sponsor a movie with Clint Eastwood reprising his role as Dirty Harry, no matter how old he is.

* Yeah, I have no fricken clue what that means, either.


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