Hercules - The Legend
Alright so we all know the basic story of Hercules. He was the son of Zeus and a mortal woman, Alcmene. This of course really pissed off Hera, the goddess that was married to Zeus. I guess goddesses don't like it when their god like husbands go slumming with the humans. I mean if a goddess can't keep her man, really what hope do us mere mortal women have?
Anyway back to Hercules... he grew up and had superhuman strength and that is about the furthest my knowledge of Hercules had went. However, after watching a recent movie starring the Rock as Hercules, I decided to look into this crazy legend. In the movie Hercules is rumored to have murdered his children and wife. Whoa...I didn't even know Hercules had kids. I mean.. on that one show with Kevin Sorbo as Hercules, it seemed as if Hercules swung the other way if you know what I mean. Which is fine, I am all for love who you want to love. So this whole murdering his wife and children thing threw me off. Where exactly had this junk about him killing his family come from? So I decided to do some investigative research on reliable sources such as Wikipedia and google lol.
After looking further into the legend I discovered that I knew very little about this story of a demigod (half human/half god), and little did I know that Grecians and there stories/legends were really jacked up. In fact the legend of Hercules isn't really that heroic at all. It's actually really disturbing and frankly it's quite weird that Grecians made up legends of him being a hero. I think the Grecians may have gotten into the magic mushrooms a little too often when creating their legendary stories.
Who is Hercules?
Okay so the tough guy wasn't just a tough guy. He was a raving mad murdering psycho, who killed his young children and wife. Of course Hercules used the oldest trick in the book and claimed temporary insanity. I mean now a days who doesn't use that as their reasoning behind anything they do wrong. However, Hercules didn't just use his insanity as the reason for MURDERING his children and wife, he blamed it on the goddess Hera. Which ladies come on... she was a scorned woman, I'm sure she could have made any man go stark raving mad. Men should not mess with a pissed off woman, especially a pissed off goddess who has been cheated on multiple times by her god of a husband Zeus. I mean come on... Zeus was this lighting bolt king and he couldn't even get around the block with his mortal hoes without getting caught by his wife. Some god he was.
Hera tried to kill Hercules when he was a baby, however, that ONE attempt failed, so Hera decided to leave him alone until he became an adult and then she started torturing him again. Of course we all know that if we wanted someone dead that we should wait until their older and stronger to kill them. Hera did give it a whole ONE try... I mean she did send two snakes to kill Hercules when he was baby and it didn't work. NOT ONE BUT TWO SNAKES!! Hera was beyond her years in wisdom giving up on killing the bastard child of her husband's mistress and instead waiting for him to grow stronger and older. LOL Just remember I didn't write these stories people.
After Hercules becomes the Michael Myers of the Grecian times, and goes all ax murderer on his family, he then comes back to his senses and goes to the god Apollo to be punished. Feeling terrible about the whole murdering thing, Apollo gives him ten labors, which would turn into 12, to atone for his momentary murdering spree.
So the Grecians created a wonderful story about a half god/half human man who grows up to kill his three children and wife, only to go onto become a hero because he completes 12 "heroic" labors to atone for his rage filled killing spree. Wow... the Grecians really knew how to create a true hero. Who better to look up to then a murdering father. Even Disney got in on the story of this "heroic" man. lol
Okay back to the 12 labors. If you have seen the new Hercules with the Rock, or the Disney version of Hercules, you have probably seen parts of the 12 labors. There was of course the Hydra that Hercules had to kill. The Hydra had nine heads, not to be forgotten is the Nemean Lion, which Hercules peeled its hide off of to use as cloak, then Hercules went after a boar, soon followed by the massive task of cleaning up a lot of cow, bull, horse, goat, and sheep sh*t (yes you read that correctly... one of his labors for the atonement of killing his family was to clean up 30 years of stable animal feces, which he did in one day. That Hercules was quite the thrifty thinker!), next Hercules went all Alfred Hitchcock and attacked a flock of man killing BIRDS!, next our hero had to destroy a bull that had raped a queen and impregnated her with a Minotaur (half bull/half human) child, let us just pause here for a moment......
Lets think about this.... How high were the Grecians? Like literally they had to be on some crazy stuff to come up with this material. If the Grecians who came up with these stories were still around today and were selling the stuff they were smoking when they were high and writing their legends; they would be the "go to" drug dealers of the world. I mean these Grecian story tellers would be the Walmart of the drug dealing world. That's classic.... a rapist bull...
Moving on... after capturing the rapist bull, Hercules would then capture man eating horses, then he would turn all fashion police and steal an Amazonian Queen's belt (the things we do in the name of fashion), Herc then went on to steal cattle from a three headed and six legged monster (what the heads were I have no idea, it must not be important), followed by the harvesting of some golden apples, and lastly Hercules was sent to the underworld to capture a three headed wolf like creature. After completing all of these wonderful and heroic tasks Hercules was no longer seen at the father killing murderer that he started off as but instead a wonderful hero that Greece adored.
Hercules would then go onto complete many other adventures, and in the end earns a place with the gods on Mount Olympus. I mean really what is a better punishment for a wife and child killer than eternity with the gods.
A Side Note....
What I found interesting when reading about Hercules was not only the fact that he was a murderer but he was also hiding in the closet. In some of the stories I read, Hercules completed the 12 labors with companion. While traveling around the world searching for atonement, Hercules traveled with his nephew, Iolaus, who also happened to be his secret lover. Someone cue the "DUN DUN DAH" music.
Crazy Conspiracy Theory Alert!!!: So could it be that Hercules was actually in the closet and could no longer hide his true feelings for his lover nephew and slayed his family so they could be together. OMG!
You gotta love the Grecians!
So there's the story of the great and legendary Hercules!