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How to Stay Out of Trouble When Vacationing on Cruise Ships

Updated on June 5, 2014

A cruise ship is very beautiful after dark


I have to be honest

with you. My wife went on a four-day, three-night cruise with a few girlfriends, and came back a new woman. Not literally. She has yet to stop telling the stories of their good times they had while at sea--all of the sights they seen, places they stopped and how wonderful the cruise ship's employees treated her and her friends.

I am not afraid of cruise ships. And I would go on a cruise if I could meet Kathy Lee Gifford, the once-spokesperson of America's biggest cruise lines. So with that option out the window, guess I will just stay at home and dream of listening to Kathy Lee regale me with tales of Frank and Cody, her husband and son.

This couple is having a ball on their cruise


Not so fast, Kathy Lee

being the pessimist that I am, I will one day, go with my wife on a cruise vacation and I will have one great, memorable time.

There are a few things I have found by extensive-research on things you can and cannot do on any cruise liner. I never realized that there were so many strict rules that cruise line owners expect vacationers to observe.

Things forbidden on a cruise

  • Getting drunk and playing a rowdy-game of "Naked Tarzan," and riding a zip-line (you have attached) from the top deck to the swimming pool.
  • Pushing weak or smaller vacationers into the pool just to laugh at them.
  • Taking over the shuffleboard game and making up your own rules.
  • Inviting yourself into the operations room and acting like "you" know what you are doing.
  • Much like "Naked Tarzan," do not get wasted and try to walk the same zipline and pretend you are "Vladameur, The Talented," who can walk any tight rope anywhere.
  • Making unwanted advances at female guests. This includes cruise ship female employees, and your wife's swinging sister.

The cruise liner captain always knows what is going on


Cruise liners employ friendly waiters to cater to your every whim


Beware of these things on a cruise

  • Con artists who are out to get your cash, credit card information, and sell you stock in the cruise line who you paid for this vacation.
  • Pick-pockets who somehow get on-board these beautiful cruise liners and they all want your valuables.
  • Problem-drinkers who love to get ripped and challenge good-hearted guys like you into fist-fights.
  • Loud mouth braggarts who dominate every conversation with lies about how "they" own one of these vessels, among other lies.
  • Fake guides who will, for a small fee, leisurely guide you and your family through the next port docking to show you the sights, best restaurants and places to gamble if you are into this past time.

Guests on a cruise liner circa 1930


What a beautiful sunset


Cruise liners offer lovely accomodations


Kathy Lee Gifford: I am waiting for your call


Did you enjoy your last cruise?

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The restaurants on cruise liners are like "Heaven on earth"


Other things that are forbidden on cruise liners

  • Aggravating or harassing other cruise line customers by knocking on their cabin doors at all hours of the night then running away.
  • Pretending that you work for the cruise line and hinting that for a tip, you can get the customers you are bilking, the best seats at shows, and other favors
  • Jumping from the top deck (without a zip line) into the pool.
  • BB guns, pellet rifles, paint guns or any item considered in the firearm category is prohibited on cruises.
  • Trying to bring your pet gorilla, "Porky," onto the cruise liner.
  • Singing "The Love Boat" theme at the top of your lungs throughout the day and all night while walking outside the customers' cabins.
  • Testing the cruise line employees to try and make you get off of the vessel by telling them that you belong to a major crime family.
  • Turning-in false reports of fire, robbery and gang-related activities.
  • Going into places that are off-limits to customers. Places like the engine room, kitchen, and lifeboat storage area.
  • Standing on the main deck in broad-open daylight and deliriously-pointing and yelling "Look! It's the ghost of the Titanic!"
  • Jumping off of the cruise vessel to swim in the ocean

And if a

cruise is among your plans for your annual family-vacation . . .I wish you my very best.

And I will be packing for "my" cruise vacation and will call and reserve my place on the next cruise line . . .when Kathy Lee Gifford calls me to invite me to join her and have a great time.

Kathy Lee . . .

I am not getting

any younger.

These lovely girls enjoy a rousing game of shuffleboard on a cruise in 1934



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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Wow, has it come to that? I wasn't aware of this legal entanglement about divorced parents with kids.

      I guess after I think it through, it makes sense.

      Does it to you?

    • tamarawilhite profile image

      Tamara Wilhite 

      4 years ago from Fort Worth, Texas

      Have copies of all letters that authorize you to take the child out of the country, if you are a divorced parent or even a parent who is traveling without the other spouse on an international cruise. Have multiple copies so that you have one with you if the cruise office takes one and the ship staff ask for another.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 

      4 years ago from SW England

      You're welcome. Hope your weekend is great too! Ann

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear ann,

      You are welcome for me telling you the truth about your writing. You are very talented and passionate. I love that in a writer.

      And your comment sums it up for me. I think that one day I will try and have faith and try a cruise.

      I cannot wait to attack the pineapple, oranges and fruit. I am a pineapple freak. And its good for me too.

      ann, you have a great weekend and thanks again for your follow and friendship.

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 

      4 years ago from SW England

      I went on my first and, so far, only cruise at the beginning of 2013, to see the Northern Lights. I went with a girl-friend too; we left the fellas at home and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!

      There were a few restrictions, all safety precautions of course, but it was great. Yes, there were a few slightly annoying characters on board - you can't avoid them when in a confined area - but most were charming. My friend contracted the noro virus but it didn't stop her seeing the lights. I was lucky to get away with not getting poorly.

      Apart from witnessing a fantastic display of the Northern Lights, we learnt ballroom dancing!

      Great hub! Thanks, too, for your kind comments regarding my writing.


    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Peg, LOL, I love your comments. I really do. I would, if I were you, check out a cruise line thoroughly, even the vessel, and then make up your mind. I guess you cannot "judge all cruise ships by one dump." And say hi to your hubby, probably a life-long, Jack Jones fan, the guy who sang the "Loveboat theme."

      And come back often, Peg. You always make my day.

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 

      4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Hi Kenneth, I've been afraid to take a cruise with all the Norovirus issues and sinkings so I'll have to take your word that it's worth the risk. My BFF in Florida recently survived a 7 day cruise so I'm feeling somewhat more secure. Perhaps one day I'll be brave and just go. All that about the Zip line has me a bit wary but I realize that you are quite a comedian in your review of Cruise Ships. Thanks for the chuckles as I read your post. Sailing...take me away... And yes, my hubby is the one who loves to belt out the Love Boat theme.


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