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I AM CANADIAN

Updated on January 2, 2013

Welcome to I AM CANADIAN!

This light-hearted lens is designed to answer the question, "What is a Canadian?"

The easy answer might be, a Canadian is someone who suffers from an inferiority complex, someone who likes sleeping beside an elephant, or someone who loves skating on thin ice.

If you've always wanted to know what makes a Canadian tick, then you've landed on the right spot. On the other hand, if you hate backflies, bears, and beavers, then you'd best avoid visiting this pesky if not puzzling place north of the 49th parallel.

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Image Credit: Pat Breana@flickr.com

HOW TO CELEBRATE CANADA DAY--THE CHEAP CRAZY CANUCK WAY!

At last a patriotic product for all those "true-north-strong-and-free, trim-the-fat tightwad types" who inhabit the Land of Bugs, Beavers & Bodacious Belt-tigheners!

Those crazy Canucks can all now kick back and breath a fresh peppermint sigh of relief when it comes celebrating the country's next birthday on Friday, July 1, 2011.

The rest of us will just have to eat our hearts out ... and watch those wacky wunderkins freezing their buns off in ice-fishing huts, moose-hunting in their mucklucks, or fly-catching in their fetching bits of frippery.

Failing that, we could all simply press the PerpetualKid.com order button, and succumb to the fantasy of being a "Crazy Canuck" by picking up an invigorating, life-transforming, magical breath spray that'll do the trick!

WHAT IS CANADA?

Canada is the place that Americans love to hate, that silly socialist state north of the 49th parallel that is flat and boring except when they're fishing in its lakes, skiing on its glaciers, and sitting on top of profits from its oil and gas wells.

Some have even tried to define exactly what makes Canada tick, after all you can't really miss the second largest land mass in the world can you?

-- "It is wonderful to feel the grandness of Canada in the raw." (Emily Carr, 20th century Canadian artist)

-- "Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes." (Tommy Douglas, Father of Medicare and Canada's first social democratic premier).

-- "Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain." (Pierre E. Trudeau, former Prime Minister of Canada)

-- "For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 'Canada'. Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something." (Sandra Gotlieb, wife of former Canadian ambassador to the United States)

-- "The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off its own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees." (June Callwood, Canadian author)

-- "Canada, I don't even know what street it's on." (Al 'Scarface' Capone, an Italian American member of a career-offender cartel.)

The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend; sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!

The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend; sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!
The US is our trading partner, our neighbour, our ally and our friend; sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack!

THE CANADA PARTY - Who doesn't like a bit of satire about our southern neighbors?

Watching the year-long American election campaign provides all manner of fun to foreigners, especially Canucks who know a thing or two about running a country inhabited by beavers, bugs, and blessedly big beasts.

Frankly, one has to wonder what in the world has happened to the leading lights in Land of Stars and Stripes, when one of them comes up with a "really big idea" to solve its political and economic woes - building a made-in-USA colony on the moon?

PONDERING POLL

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." -- American humorist, Jon Stewart

WHY DOES CANADA EXIST?

See results

SCOTT PILGRIM VS THE WORLD

Well, here's a bit of curious Canadiana in the form of comedy. NOTE: Must love "Canucks", "Cabbage Town", and "God's Country" to truly appreciate the humor.

BOTTOMS UP THIRSTY BEAVERS!

What makes this country special is not the beavers, the bears or the blackflies, its the boffo beer they serve!

Let's see, we've got a sassy selection of suds to sample!

-- "Anarchist Amber Ale" - from Cannery Brewing (BC)

-- "Attila The Honey" - from Mt. Begbie Brewery (BC)

-- "Devil's Elbow India Pale Ale" - from Howe Sound Brewery (BC)

-- "Hell's Gate Pale Ale"

-- "Fat Cat" - Bunny's Black & Tan

-- "Fat Head India Pale Ale" - from Fat Cat Brewery (BC)

-- "Killer Bee Dark Honey Ale" - from Tin Whistle Brewery (BC)

-- "La Fin du Monde" - from Unibroue (QB)

-- "La Maudite" - from Unibroue (QB)

-- "Liplock Summer Wheat Ale" - from Nelson Brewing (BC)

-- "Red Devil" - from R & B Brewing (BC)

-- "Sasquatch Stout" - from Old Yale Brewing (BC)

-- "Thirsty Beaver Amber Ale" - from Tree Brewing (BC)

-- "Warthog Ale" - from Big Rocking Brewing, (AB)

But first check out the Beer Map of Canada to get a handle on where to find the best barley and brewing spots across the country.

So, next time you're trying to figure out which sleeve of suds to sip, why not have a happy hops time at the Great Canadian Beer Festival held every year in Victoria, British Columbia, or join in the fun at the largest Bavarian Beer festival in North America, Oktoberfest in Kitchener-Waterloo, Ontario!

"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."

-- P. J. O'Rourke --

BEAVERS, BOZOS N' BEER!

WHY DO CANADIANS SAY "EH"?

Whey do Canucks say "eh"?

See results

BLESS THIS BIT O' BARLEY...AND BLESS THE BOYS WHO MAKE IT!

BLESS THIS BIT O' BARLEY...AND BLESS THE BOYS WHO MAKE IT!
BLESS THIS BIT O' BARLEY...AND BLESS THE BOYS WHO MAKE IT!

CANADA'S NATIONAL THEME SONG

CANUCK COMEDY STORE

Great Multicultural North — A Canadian Primer for Hosers, Immigrants and Socialists
Great Multicultural North — A Canadian Primer for Hosers, Immigrants and Socialists

For those who haven't a clue about who lives north of the 49th parallel.

 
Red Green's Duct Tape Is Not Enough: A Humorous Guide to Midlife
Red Green's Duct Tape Is Not Enough: A Humorous Guide to Midlife

Pearls of wit and wisdom from the mouth of mirthful man who knows that "If you're standing in a puddle, don't touch anything that hums."

 
Red Green's We Can't Help It, We're Men
Red Green's We Can't Help It, We're Men

If you wanna know what makes red-blooded Canadian males tick or talk...then this book is for you!

 
Russell Peters - Outsourced
Russell Peters - Outsourced

A multicultural man of mirth who'll make you roll in the aisles or at least tickle your funnybone.

 
A Nation Worth Ranting About
A Nation Worth Ranting About

Canada's best laughter legend!

 

HOW THE CRAZY CANUCKS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

In some crazy Canuck households, Santa Claus enlists the help of curious creatures called "Belsnickels" to determine which kids have been naughty and which have been nice.

The Belsnickels supposedly enter the homes of hellions (be they boys or girls) to cause mischief...why, because it's payback time of course!

It is said that mysterious creatures called "Naluyuks" who travel from house to house in the Inuit villages. Children must sing Christmas carols to appease the critters who pound sticks on the floor before questioning the children about their behavior. When the children say they've been good (and why wouldn't they), the Naluyuks open special gift bags full of wonderful presents.

ONLY IN CANADA

Ten ways to know you're in Canada.

1. There are more donut shops in the country than there are churches.

2. The only place in the world where you'll find drive-in ATM machines with Braille lettering.

3. A unique place where the most popular meal on the menu is a double-cheese burger with large fries and a diet coke.

4. The only place where you'll find that banks leave both doors open but insist on chaining pens to the counters.

5. An usual place where Canadian Tire Money is legal tender if you're shopping for a hammer, a tin of paint or a lube job.

6. An odd place where people buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight.

7. Where a political institution like the Senate is sustained on nothing but protocol, alcohol and Geritol.

8. Where you'll find that the most important interjection in any conversation is a two-lettered word, "Eh".

9. It's an off-the-beat place where every kid who wants to be a somebody owns a pair of skates and every town worth anything owns a Zamboni.

10. It's the last place on earth where you'll find sexy lingerie is defined as tube-socks, a tuque, and a pair of flanalette pyjgamas with a trap door in the back or a flanalette nightie with only eight buttons.

BET YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A "BANGBELLY" IS?

"Bangbelly" is a nifty name the Newfoundlanders have for a rib-sticking dessert made from molasses, flour, raisins, and salt pork.

It is said that some crazy cooks make "Bangbelly" from stale bread soaked in water, although using bread makes the mushy meal taste more like a bread pudding.

Occasionally, a cook is struck by a bolt out of the blue, which usually means that eggs are added to the list of ingredients. The good news is that whether one uses eggs or not, everything is mexied together (including the fat rendreed out of the pork while frying), and poured into a greased cake pan. It's then baked for 75 minutes in an oven.

When served, the "Bangbelly" develops a cripsy pastry outside, while the inside stays "squidgy", (you know, soft and squishy).

THE LAND OF ICE AND SNOW

What do foreigners think of Canada's winter wonderland?

"Canada: A few acres of snow." (Voltaire, French Englightenment writer, essayist, and philospher)

While Canadians cannot lay claim to "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs", "Frosty the Snow Man", or any "abominable beast of snow" for that matter, they have oodles of experience shovelling it at least six months of the year (which gives them a unique perspective on fantastic flakes that fall through the air with the greatest of ease).

"I am told that the Inuit have some sixty words for snow... for different kinds of snow. That doesn't surprise me; they see a lot of it. I live considerably south of the tree line, but even I have seventeen words for snow - none of them usable in public." (Arthur Black, Canadian humorist)

"There are few, if any, Canadian men that have never spelled their name in a snowbank." (Douglas Coupleand, Canadian author)

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Inserted Image: Courtesy of Gemma Grace on flickr.com

TRULY CANADIAN TOURIST TRAPS

For those who've travelled the globe looking for laughable landmarks, potty pit stops, or titillating towns that are quaint and quirky, you'll find plenty to choose from in Canada.

1. Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump, Alberta. (NOTE: In 1981, the United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designated it as a World Heritage Site, for those who are keen on learning all about boisterous bison behavior.

2. Skookumchuck, British Columbia. (For those who love visiting an out-of-the way spot with 66 inhabitants not to mention itinerant cut-throats, fly-fishers, this is a hidden little gem in the Kootenay River Valley).

3. Flin Flon, Manitoba (NOTE: A city "on the rocks", this is the sixth largest town in province, which has the distinction of being named after a character in a science fiction novel named Josiah Flintabbatey Flonatin or "Flinty", and has a statue of this hero designed by cartoonist Al Capp.)

4. Lake Utopia in New Brunswick is home to beach party enthusiasts in the summer, not to mention small mouth bass, perch, trout and river eels all year round!

5. Ontario may be "God's Country", but it's also home to some pretty putzy places including Pugwash, Petawawa, and Punkeydoodles Corners.

6. Crapaud, Prince Edward Island is different...it's a french word meaning "toad" or "brat", all of which may reside there together with the other 382 souls that call this place home.

7. St. Louis-du-Ha!Ha! may be a giggling great place in "la belle province" (Quebec), but the name originates from an old French word meaning "dead end"!

8. Saskatchewan is full of hayseeds and huge harvesters, but it's also home to fun folks who live in Climax, and Mosquito-Grizzly Bear's Head & The Lean Man (the longest name of any Canadian town).

9. Nova Scotia is also home to some out-of-this-world, out-of-the-way, off-the-beaten track places like Ecum Secum which is great if you're into berry-picking or bird-watching and Mushaboom made famous by pop singer Feist who was born in this rather fine province.

10. Newfoundland is home to some pretty nutty nooks and crannies including Too Good Arm which is great if you're into code and cable tv, or Little Seldom if you like hohum hubs of humanity, and joining in the fun at the annual fanciful fornication festival called Dildo Days!

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Inserted Image: "Nation Builders - Constructing Canada Map", courtesy of Geist Magazine.

HAVE SWORD WILL TRAVEL. (Illustration by Sue Barton)

HAVE SWORD WILL TRAVEL. (Illustration by Sue Barton)
HAVE SWORD WILL TRAVEL. (Illustration by Sue Barton)

BETTER LUCK CANUCKS

What is Canada's favorite national pastime?

See results

AMUSING ANECDOTES ABOUT BEING CANADIAN...BY A. NONYMOUS

So, What Do We Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?

1. Colored candies called "Smarties".

2. More candy called, "Crispy Crunch", and "Coffee Crisp".

3. We've got bigger football fields than Americans, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - First game June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian.

6. Hockey is Canadian.

7. Basketball is Canadian.

8. Apple pie is Canadian.

9. "Mr. Dress-up" beats "Mr. Rogers" hands-down!

10. "Tim Hortons" is more popular than "Dunkin' Donuts"!

11. In the war of 1812, (started by the Americans), the Canadians got a little ticked and a bit red under the collar, which meant the Americans were obliged to beat a retreat ...way past their White House. While the Americans won't admit it ...things went sideways from then on. Frankly, if truth be told, we got bored when the Americans didn't like losing their marbles and ran away. Then, we came home and partied!

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER. (We may have been clobbered in the odd battle but the truth is, we've never been defeated!)

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary; he slept in and missed the whole thing. Then, he showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes. (That's more information than I need to chow down on my next meal!)

19. We know what to do with the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis and the telephone. Also short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money...no, it's not "funny money"!

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass (incidentally...so does our beer!)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

The handles on our beer cases are big enough to accommodate your hands with mitts on.

OOOoohhhhh.... Canada!!

CRAZY CANUCKS KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIDDLEHEADS AND FUDDY-DUDDIES!

Canadians know the difference between a fiddlehead and a fuddy-duddy.

A fuddy-duddy is an experientially-enhanced persnickety person who eats funny food like furled fern leaves (better known as fiddleheads) as a prelude to frolicking in the hollyfuds.

The ostrich fern, (Matteuccia struthiopteris), whose young curled leaves look like the scrolls of fiddles is a tasty tidbit for those who like tarty treats.

Worldwide, the fiddleheads of only a few fern species are eaten (including those of the carcinogenic bracken fern), but the ostrich fern, known as fiddlehead is the most important edible fern. It is the only native Canadian plant that has achieved commercial success as a VEGETABLE.

Fiddleheads are found in all provinces and territories of the country, most abundantly in New Brunswick, southern Québec and southern Ontario, often in flood plains or near rivers or streams.

It is recommended that fresh fiddleheads be boiled for 15 minutes or steamed for 20 minutes to remove tannins and toxins before consumption (and possibly to avoid a case of constipation).

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Image Credit: libraryman@flickr.com

No It's Not A Blood-Sucking Beaver...try again!

No It's Not A Blood-Sucking Beaver...try again!
No It's Not A Blood-Sucking Beaver...try again!

ONLY IN NEWFOUNDLAND...

If you're looking for an amusing aperatif, and haven't got an overheated hyperspatial field generator to take you to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, you might want to sample the next best thing without leaving planet Earth, or crazy Canuck country for that matter.

According to the "Chef's Domain" series on "Discovery Channel", there's a chef from Newfoundland, who has created a new cocktail, called the "Iceberg Martini".

Now this is not any kind of martini thank you, it's one that calls for vodka, blue Curaçao, litchi liqueur, lemon juice, syrup, and a not-so-secret ingredient, a chunk of a 15,000-year-old iceberg.

Of course, how one acquires that vintage piece of glacier is a wee bit tricky. It seems that the chef can't do without the help of a few handy-dandy harvesters (who adore taking pot shots at icebergs to keep a steady supply of natural ice that floats by Newfoundland, where else).

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Image Credit: Canadian iceberg, St. John's, Newfoundland, photo by Graham Smith, imjustcreative@flickr.com

ONLY IN CANADA...

If you owe a debt greater than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it in pennies!

PLEASE SPEAK CANAJUN!

The old saying goes that "when in Roman do as the Romans do", but when it comes to visiting Canucks, it's probably best to get a handle on the language of the land before you make a big faux pas by calling your server "garcon" or "poutine"!

While the flatlands of Saskabush might bring images of witless wunderkins (also known as hayseeds) to mind, the correct Canuck term for differently interesting, involuntarily leisured pulse-crop practitioners or incompletely successful individuals with temporarily unmet objectives in the animal domestication industry currently residing in a rural area is "hosers".

When complimenting folks on their choice of the industrious beaver to grace the face of the ever popular nickel, please do not think that this gives you the right to use the word boot-licker, brown-noser, or suck-up to describe a Canadian. The correct term for this trustworthy tenacious type is "keener".

If things appear to be going to heck in a handbasket during your trip to what you would call a chaotic country, please refrain from using polite although incorrect terms such as "a commotion at the fire sale", "a protest outside Parliament", "or a flurry of agitation after the weather forecast", the correct word is a "kerfuffle"!

And while it may be tempting to think they've all gone crackers in Canada or have all been confined to the looney bin...because they chucked the buck for a "loonie" and a "toonie", do not offend them. You wouldn't want to encounter a loose moose on the rampage would you?

Please remember to order your sumptuous snack correctly. "Fries" are served with burgers, while "chips" come with fish, and both are dressed with either vinegar (malt or white) or poutine and gravy if you're in Quebec.

And, whatever you do, don't forget to say a kind word about those who hail from "the rock" (Newfoundland -- pronounced NOOFUNLAN). This outragous outpost of humanity is known for many things such as its endearing if not entertaining placenames as "Bareneed", "Cow's Lick", "Happy Valley-Goose Bay", "Hearts Content", "Heart's Desire", "Leading Tickles", "Nippers Harbour", "Pecker's Point", and "Virgin Arm". So learn to whoop and holler with the Newfie natives. Just avoid referring to their liquid libations as "hooch" or "hops". You never want to get on the wrong side of a Newfie or you may never be offered what they know puts hair on your chest or a fin on your chin -- "Sixty-pound Screech"!

EVERY CRAZY CANUCK KNOWS... - That Every Happy Holiday Needs MOOSELTOE!

WHAT IS A CANADIAN?

This is a tough question, but one that has plagued the world's greatest think and doodlers for quite some time.

To get a handle on this perplexing problem, here are a few contributions to our melting pot of answers.

-- "A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe." (Pierre Burton, Canadian journalist and author)

-- "A Canadian is a fellow wearing English tweeds, a Hong Kong shirt and Spanish shoes, who sips Brazilian coffee sweetened with Philippine sugar from a Bavarian cup while nibbling Swiss cheese, sitting at a Danish desk over a Persian rug, after coming home in a German car from an Italian movie... and then writes his Member of Parliament with a Japanese ballpoint pen on French paper, demanding that he do something about foreigners taking away our Canadian jobs." (Anonymous)

-- "A Canadian is the one who knows twelve ways to say I'm sorry." (Will Ferguson, Canadian author and humorist)

-- "I want to thank all the Canadians who came out today to wave to me - with all five fingers!" (George W. Bush, Former President of the United States of America)

-- "If Canadians were porridge, Goldilocks would find us just right." (Will Ferguson, Canadian author and humorist)

-- "Canadians were the first anti-Americans, and the best. Canadian anti-Americanism, just as the country's French-English duality, has for two centuries been the central buttress of our national identity." (Jack Granetstein)

-- "I am so excited about Canadians ruling the world." (John Diefenbaker, former Prime Minister of Canada)

-- "Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat." (Will Ferguson, Canadian author and humorist)

-- "Canadians don't deal with the same kind of health care problems and traumas we face. They have a health care system based on treating hockey injuries and curing sinus infections that come from trying to pronounce French vowels." (P.J. O'Rourke, U.S. political satirist)

But, maybe best of all, like the t-shirt says, "Canadians like it on top!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MUCKING IN CANADA?

What's the slang term for a worthless piece of land promoted as having mining potential?

See results

SO WHAT HAVE CANADIANS EVER DONE FOR THE WORLD?

A collection of Canadian inventions.

Canucks are a rather unassuming lot who prefer to take a back seat to their big brother south of the border a good deal more often than is warranted.

Not one to beat their breasts, crow their heads off or offer unsolicited advice when it's not asked for, Canucks can be proud of a few modest yet meaningful contributions to the treasury of world culture and other important stuff.

1. We invented such wonderful parlour pastimes as "Trivial Pursuit", and "Things" not to mention video game hits as like "NBA Street", "SSX Tricky", and "NHL 2002"!

2. Those crazy canucks have invented a whole host of gadgets, gizmos and great big products including the baseball glove, the electric lightbulb, the telephone, the electric range, the electron microscope, the zipper and Velcro not to mention Standard Time not to mention some dazzling devices like the ski-doo, jet-ski, zamboni, as well as life-saving pharmaceuticals such as insulin and penicillin. And Canadian women may not be domestic divas like Martha Stewart but they managed to come up with some pretty nifty inventions like Canadian Tire money, Vachon cakes, the "Jolly Jumper" to give kids a head start on exercise in a safe place, as well as that marvellous makeover, "Botox" to rejuvenate the lips of "Pamela Anderson" (another great Canadian star)!

3. While Canada's exports include all manner of minerals not to mention oil and gas plus lumber, fish, and wheat and canola, perhaps our most important exports are our stars be they actors like Christopher Plumber, Leslie Nielsen, and William Shatner, singers like Celine Dion, k.d. lang, or the Barenaked Ladies, or comedians like Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers, Dave Thomas (SCTV), Colin Mochrie (Whose Line Is It Anyway), Rich Little and Andre Philippe Gagnon (impersonators), Michael J. Fox, Jim Carrey, Russell Peters, Shaun Majumder, and last but not least, "Royal Canadian Air Farce", "The Arrogant Worms", and "Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie"!

Curious Canadian Culinary Delight - It's not Poutine, it's not Fiddleheads -- it's Maple Nun's Farts!

Curious Canadian Culinary Delight - It's not Poutine, it's not Fiddleheads -- it's Maple Nun's Farts!
Curious Canadian Culinary Delight - It's not Poutine, it's not Fiddleheads -- it's Maple Nun's Farts!

GOD BLESS THIS DARING DESSERT!

What to do with leftover pastry scraps?

Well, if you ask Merry-Minded Meal Maven, Madame Mona Lisa, she'll probably tell you "let's try some bad eating habits"!

And this little treat will not disappoint you. It's brushed with butter, sprinkled with sugar, and rolled into spirals. The pastry spirals are then baked into crispy, flaky confections that are best eaten fresh and warm from the oven.

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cooking Time: 25 minutes

Ingredients:

1 recipe pastry dough or 1 package store-bought pie dough

3 tablespoons butter, softened

1/2 cup pure maple sugar (substitute light brown sugar)

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional)

Preparation:

Preheat an oven to 350F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.

Roll out the pastry dough into a 9-inch by 12-inch rectangle. Brush the butter over the dough, and then evenly sprinkle the sugar and cinnamon over the butter. Starting at the 9-inch end, roll up the pastry dough into a tight spiral. Slice it crosswise into 8 pieces, each slightly wider than 1 inch.

Place the pastry spirals, cut side down, onto the prepared baking sheet. Bake them for 20 to 25 minutes, until the pastry has turned light golden brown and the sugar is caramelized.

The above delightful directions are for a ripsnorting recipe named Maple Nun's Farts, (which makes eight simply scrumptious sweet-tooth servings thank you very much!)

NEWFOUNDLAND FLIPPER PIE

Newfoundland is home to many strange placenames such as "Cow Lick", "Jerry's Nose", and "Leading Tickles" not to mention entertaining edibles like "Screech", "Maple Nun's Farts" and "Flipper Pie"!

NEWFOUNDLAND FLIPPER PIE

2 seal flippers

1 small turnip, cubed

3 carrots , sliced

2 onions, sliced

1 parsnip, sliced

2 ½ cups water

1 ½ oz screech

½ fat back pork

2 tbsp vinegar

DUMPLING PASTRY:

1 ½ cups flour

2 tsp baking powder

small pat of butter

Cut all fat and slag from flippers, place them in a deep dish and add enough boiling water to cover, add vinegar and set aside to cool, then wipe dry with a paper towel and place in baking pan or large casserole dish.

Add pepper and salt to taste, cover with sliced onions and sliced fat pork, dribble the "screech" over the contents.

Cover and cook for 2 hours in a pre-heated oven at 375 degrees. Boil turnip, carrots and parsnips in 2 ½ cups of water for 20 minutes.

When ready place in baking dish along with flippers. Use vegetable water for gravy (thickened with flour).

Make dumpling pastry and pat over flippers and vegetables. Cover and bake gently until pastry is done (about 15 minutes).

___________

Newfoundland "Screech" is a particularly strong alcohol that is manufactured in a process very similar to that of most rums: fermentation, distillation, aging and blending of sugarcane. It is blended and bottled by the Newfoundland and Labrador Liquor Corporation.

AND NOW A WORD FROM THE EH TEAM!

So We're Not Perfect!

We never claimed to be perfect,

That means we've learned to be humble.

We say excuse me and I'm sorry as well as please and thanks,

Even when it's not our fault we apologize.

Sure one arm of the torch didn't rise,

But when the earthquake struck Haiti, Canadians raised their hands to say We'll help.

And yah, there is a fence around the torch,

But you can walk right up and shake hands with our prime minister and most famous Canadians.

We put Gretzky in the back of a pick up, in the rain, not surrounded by police and he was okay,

And by the way... the great one is Canadian and HE wasn't complaining!

We do have security at the games, of course, but most people don't even have a gun they have to leave at home.

The medals ARE under lock and key, but our doors and our hearts are open to the world.

It has been pointed out that some buses broke down last week but lets not overlook the fact that our banking system didn't.

We didn't get the "green ice maker" right this time but we will, eventually,

Just like we did when we invented the zamboni.

Citius altius fortius

If you don't reach higher how do you get faster and stronger?

Was the first quad jump perfect?

Should we not have given snowboarding to the world "in case" it didn't take off?

So big deal one out of four torch arms didn't rise. Good thing we had three more! Its called contingency planning!

But remember the Canadarm works every time in outer space and insulin turned out to be okay.

We couldn't change the weather, but maybe we can help to stop global warming.

We don't have the tax base of the US or the power of the Chinese but, per capita, we ponied up for some pretty kick-ass venues in the worst global recession ever.

Sure, some folks couldn't afford tickets, but our health care is universal.

We have shown the world that we can raise our voices in celebration and song, but moments later stand in silence to respect a tragic event ...together...spontaneously and unrehearsed.

What's more, we don't need permission from anyone to have a slam poet, fiddlers with piercings and a lesbian singer tell our story to the world while our multilingual female Haitian-born, black head of state shares a box with her first nations equals.

We've shown the world that it doesn't always rain in Vancouver, that you can strive for excellence, but not get hung up on perfection.

And we've learned what it feels like to be picked on by some no-name newspaper guy and we don't have to take it lying down!

So the point is not the snow, or the hydraulics or a couple guys being 5 minutes late to a ceremony,

We know we're lucky that these are the biggest problems we've had to deal with in the last couple weeks.

So take your cheap shots Guardian newspaper and cynics of the world,

We're bigger and better than that.

What's more we're finally starting to believe it!

Do you believe?

__________

Words courtesy of the A. Nonymous

Forget a partridge in a pear tree -- It woudn't be a Canuck Christmas without a moose in a maple tree!

In Canada we have another term for a "gender-inclusive, nonheterosexist biocentric boreal companion/friend/protector"...

___________

Image Credit: bcanada92@flickr.com

A COCKAMAMMIE COLLECTION ON CANADIANS

Souvenir of Canada 2
Souvenir of Canada 2

A gem of all things quirky about this country.

 
How to Be a Canadian
How to Be a Canadian

For all those who don't know that there are a dozen ways to say you're sorry, and how to celebrate 100 years of nutty navel-gazing.

 
Bastards & boneheads: Canada's glorious leaders, past and present
Bastards & boneheads: Canada's glorious leaders, past and present

Canadian history boring...hardly, when you've got oodles of bastards and boneheads leading the country.

 
Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw: Travels in Search of Canada
Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw: Travels in Search of Canada

For those who don't know the difference between Americans and Canadians.

 

Feel free to leave your friendly feedback...every kind word helps to feel they're an integral part of the ho hum herd of humanity.

FEEDBACK FROM CONNOISSEURS OF CANUCKS

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    • Seasons Greetings profile image

      Laura Brown 3 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      You made a fabulous post! I'm so impressed with how much you found to laugh, giggle and snort at in general. I'm not even going to say sorry cause that would just be foolhardy, eh.

    • mojoCNYartist profile image

      Dan 4 years ago from CNY

      Very funny and entertaining lens.

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      Never knew there were so many products geared around the canadian culture. If you like these type of quirky gift then you'll love www.LivingRoyal.com

    • profile image

      DentalTourism 5 years ago

      Funny lens, unless of course some find it offensive, in which case I'll be happy to compromise and refer to it as an interesting lens which must be tolerated as it portrays one of the many multfaceted perspectives that make our country great.

    • Staceysk profile image

      Staceysk 6 years ago

      Great quotes. Loved your look at us Canadians.

    • profile image

      wayne_luvinlife 6 years ago

      Okay, where do I sign up! Or do you have to sign up?....Great read and lots of laughs, Eh!

      Loved It, thanks for sharing this one

    • profile image

      TravelingRae 6 years ago

      What a great lens. I've traveled the breadth of our country and still wonder what it is that makes us Canadian. Your lens doesn't answer that question, but it just *feels* Canadian.

    • profile image

      slotowngal 6 years ago

      A rollicking fun read at the end of a long work day - thanks for a great lens!

    • bikerchickie profile image

      bikerchickie 6 years ago

      Great lens!! The "Canada, not Canada" picture had me in stitches.

      (I don't mean to be pedantic, but wasn't penicillin invented by a Scott, Alexander Fleming?)

    • JeremiahStanghini profile image

      JeremiahStanghini 6 years ago

      Gotta love Canada!

    • profile image

      anonymous 6 years ago

      Loved it! ~ Blessed by a Squidoo Angel of the Travel Canada neighbourhood ~

    • PNWtravels profile image

      Vicki Green 6 years ago from Wandering the Pacific Northwest USA

      Fun lens! For a good time go to Canada or hang out with Canadians - they know how to have fun! Blessed by a SquidAngel

    • profile image

      poutine 6 years ago

      Quite funny Canadian lens eh?

    • profile image

      canadianonly 7 years ago

      We love your lens!

    • profile image

      anonymous 7 years ago

      Love it!

    • Tuula Olin profile image

      Tuula Olin 8 years ago

      This is an excellent lens, full of humor. Love it! Though I disagree on Santa Claus living in Canada. He is from Finland! Look at this: http://www.santaclausvillage.info/

    • gmarlett lm profile image

      gmarlett lm 8 years ago

      I actually have convoys of Canadian truckers (3 to 5 rigs at a time) running right past my house, all hours of the day and night, heading for a rendez vous with Interstate 95 -eh! Maine is the only one of the 50 States that's owned by a Canadian Company, that's right (the Irving Co. out of New Brunswick). We also now have a Tim Horton's on practically every square block. Sorry, didn't mean to rant! 5 stars!

    • profile image

      anonymous 8 years ago

      I've created a site for Canadians. Our flag is created from words contributed by visitors.

      http://www.canadian.me

    • UCAN2 LM profile image

      UCAN2 LM 8 years ago

      I love this lens! Great sense of humour! I just started a group about Canada and Canadians and do hope you join. I have featured your site to kick things off!

    • dahlia369 profile image

      dahlia369 8 years ago

      Thank you for joining my Squidoo group!

      "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful."

      -- Buddha

    • Sniff It Out profile image

      Sniff It Out 8 years ago

      Yet another great lens! You are always welcome at The Cooks Cafe group.

    • KimGiancaterino profile image

      KimGiancaterino 9 years ago

      I'm always happy to add your cleverly crafted lenses to my groups! Welcome to All Things Travel. (Love the Beer Prayer and Maple Nun's Farts!)

    • anthropos lm profile image

      Lamar Ross 9 years ago from Florida

      You humor has done it again. Thanks for joining ”Anything and Everything Travel” Group. We look forward to seeing your other travel related lenses in our group. Keep up the good work.

    • Auntiekatkat profile image

      Auntiekatkat 9 years ago

      Welcome to The Very Best Of Squidoo Food Lens.We look forward to more of your lenses in the group and we will post a comment when we feature your lens as lens of the day.

      P.S "What makes a Canadian EH?"