Should I stay...or should I go?
My job has offered me a major promotion. They've offered me a substantial raise and a fabulous job. What am I waiting for? Well...it involves moving halfway across the United States, alone...with my three young children.
I currently live in Kansas. I have lived here for 26 years. I have always felt...out of place. I've traveled a few times to the West coast to visit family-in-law members...and I always feel like I've 'come home' when I am there. When I come back to Kansas I go into a mild depression.
Last week I went to Jacksonville for extra training for my job related to claims. I fell in love. The scenery, the wildlife (frogs and lizards) and the beach, of course. Yesterday I was offered the promotion and the raise. My company is small but growing steadily. They are profitable and, in my opinion, it is truly an excellent company to work for. The powers that be have stated that they will not pay for the relocation. My initial reaction (to myself) was...Then give me a bigger raise.
I have a small war going on inside my manic mind. Should I stay? Should I go? Is it right for my kids? Have I investigated ALL of the possible costs? What if I hate it in two months? What if the weather sucks? What if I hate the position I am being promoted to? What if I miss my family too much? What if I get depressed and I'm alone with my kids? What if I am missing out on the biggest opportunity I have had thus far? What if I don't have another chance like this? What if I am stuck in a state where I never feel truly at home? Will my kids be happy? Will I find a decent place to live that is affordable? Will I find childcare that is up to my extraordinarily high standards? Are the schools good? How are the special needs programs there? Will the move and change cause a regression in all the progress we've made with my autistic son?
I hate big decisions like this. And, ultimately, I hate myself for being such a chickensh**. The truth is...I want to go to Florida so badly that my stomach hurts. Why is this decision so hard for me and so easy for others? I want to be whimsical and carefree...but I am logical and linnear. Is the decision so hard for me to make because it's not the right time or because it is not the right choice for my family?
I don't know what to do. I am scared/excited/happy/nervous/proud. But mostly, I am scared.