The Worst Things about Korea
Korea...the land of the morning calm. Up-and-coming cultural capital of East Asia. Famous worldwide for its industrious populace, economic prowess, and high standards of education. The futuristic source of today's most innovative technologies. A beautiful and exotic land with a rich history and culture.
Or so they would have you believe.
Contrary to popular belief, South Korea is not a country that a reasonable person would ever want to live in. The worst part about it is that not only do Koreans think their country is a tolerable place to live, they actually think it is the best country in the world. They are even more nationalistic than Americans. Now, I am an American, and I will admit that many Americans tend to go over the top with the nationalism, but even if the USA isn't the number one best country in the whole world, it can at least make a pretty decent case for it. It is the richest, it is the most powerful, it has the best universities, it certainly uses the most energy, which, according to the Kardashev scale, makes it the most technologically advanced civilization on Earth...yes, America sucks pretty badly by many measures, but it is number one in a lot of things. Korea isn't the best at anything.
Disclaimer: This is not a racist thing. Korea people are just people, of course; there are good ones and bad ones, intelligent ones and idiots, friendly ones and jerks. If you are a Korean, this is not an attack on you personally...just your ridiculous country.
So here we go: for your enlightenment, the five worst things about Korea:
K-pop is awful. K-pop is not just awful compared to other music; it's awful compared to other obnoxious noises you hear throughout a typical day. It is the most commercial, generic pop music ever conceived, essentially a pastiche of bad pop music. Almost all of it is ripped off of American pop songs, which weren't even good in the first place. The worst thing is that Koreans have the absurd idea that K-pop is becoming popular around the world. It is a fact that nobody outside of Korea cares about K-pop, and most of them don't even know what it is. Koreans think K-pop is world-renowned, but it is as irrelevant as airplane seatbelts. A lot of Korean things follow this pattern.
2. Korean Food
Korean food is not very good. It's not gross or anything (not most of it, anyway), it's just boring. You may have heard that Korean food is spicy. It's not. Korean food is hot, but it's not spicy. Spicy implies...well, spices. Bold flavors and such. Everything in Korea is drenched in red pepper paste (gochujang), which can be pretty hot, but it is virtually flavorless. It's basically the La Croix of hot sauce.
Of course, no rant about Korean cuisine would be complete without kimchi. Kimchi is actually fine..as in, fine to have a few pieces of every now and then. It baffles the mind how Koreans can consume the massive quantities of it that they do without getting sick of it. Just catching a whiff of kimchi breath on the bus is enough to make a normal human sick. Seriously, take one ride on a public transportation service of your choosing in Korea. You will never want to taste, smell, or look at kimchi again in your life.
3. Korean Websites
Another thing Koreans like to brag about is how Korea is the most wired country in the world in terms of high-speed internet. While this may be technically true, if they are so cutting-edge, why is a web browser from 2001 required to view any website in the country? It is extremely rare to find a Korean webpage that loads correctly in any browser besides Internet Explorer 6. If you don't know a lot about web browsers, using IE6 is kind of like using a cell phone with an antenna, except it's not just outdated in a funny way, it's actually extremely dangerous because of internet security issues inherent in the software. Microsoft updated Internet Explorer all the way to version 11, then abandoned it for Edge in 2015, which itself has been through many updates, and is still not even the best web browser out there. IE6 is not even compatible with anything beyond Windows XP. It is considered so insecure that Microsoft does not even allow it to be installed on their operating systems anymore. In other words, if you have a modern computer, it is literally impossible to access many Korean websites on your machine. To be fair, even using IE6, it is hard to find a site that works properly.
4. Korean Language
There are not a lot of languages that inspire beef, but Korean is not a pleasing language to the ear. A big part of it is the Seoul dialect, which is difficult to describe...just listen for yourself below. This is obviously exaggerated for comedic purposes, but the essence of the dialect is real. Notice the way the end of every sentence is raised and drawn out to obnoxious excess. Then imagine listening to everything you hear every day being spoken like that.
5. Korean Girls
What? Surely, the women of Korea must be the redeeming aspect of this hopeless country. I mean, they're gorgeous, right?
No. That is incorrect.
Okay, Korean girls can be pretty good-looking, but that is all they have going for them. Other than the accent discussed above, there are several things that are incredibly annoying about the basic Korean girl. They like trying to be cute by talking like a baby, pouting, puffing out their cheeks, making little faces and pointing at themselves, and generally acting spoiled and childish. That isn't cute. It's annoying.
They also all look exactly the same. Again, this is not some racist thing: they actually all wear the exact same clothes and get the exact same plastic surgery, so they all look the same. I guess they are objectively attractive, but they get pretty boring all looking identical like that.