Things That Are Wild, But Not Illegal in My Hometown
Telling people you are not a peach
Can you, for a moment, imagine your community, county, state and nation completely-lawless? I mean no police, state troopers, F.B.I. or private eye’s. A no-law, do as you please place to live. Ahh, just taste the freedom, the peace and if we want to work, we work. And if we want to work without a shirt, hey, that’s cool, brother. Just be what you want to be and flow with the cosmos.
Some used to dream of this utopia. I remember this. One fighter for our total-uninhibited freedom was drug-pioneer, Dr. Timothy Leary, whose far-fetched doctrines included “Free Sex,” “Mind Expansion by L.S.D.,” and other topics that would make today’s liberals’ face burn with embarrassment. He was wild, I tell you. Leary’s “Tune-in, Turn-on and Tune-out,” speeches used to fill the air waves of radio and television as well as ad after ad in underground newspapers singing to the masses, “We are free spirits, not machines.”
Not illegal to talk to your hotdog in my hometown
You can sing on the sidewalks in Hamilton, Al.
You can dress in a bear suit in my hometown
Sadly, some misinformed, ungrounded people listened. This was the scary part. Those who listened died of drug-overdose, or shot by the police or National Guard who were called out to control the chaotic-crowds of raging rebels who were telling “the man,” to shove-it. And let us form a new society. That went as far as The Edsel.
It sounded good, though. A life without rules. Any rules. Complete-freedom without any consequences. Maybe for apes, this would work, but even the animal kingdom has unwritten rules for living and surviving. The very ones who preached this “new way” to me, and most of my generation, eventually gave-up, cut their hair, and graduated college. Today they are retired from the same big corporations they hated while under the influence of fool, Timothy Leary and his “drug sermons,” and mindless disciples.
But this was in the 60’s, which are now just something we who grew-up in this time, mainly talk about at Christmas and New Year’s get-together’s for laughs when the atmosphere turns to boredom. You do notice that I toned my stor down and as much as I would love to emulate the late Dr. Hunter S Thompson, I fall back on the old axiom, “I gotta be me.”
But those still alive and who survived the Timothy Leary daze, let me offer you some free-happiness. Free of pollution, taxes, war, and “the man.” I knew that one would make you smile.
I call this list below, which all can be proven,
“Things You Can Do In My Hometown That Are Wild, But Not Illegal”
Being barefoot isn't illegal where I reside
Give out cash to strangers in Hamilton, Al.
Loitering is not illegal in my hometown
Wave at people all that you want
- Walk around town wearing a mask made of watermelon rine. You might get called “idiot,” by people, but not arrested.
- Walk up and down our sidewalks clapping your hands bellowing, “We Shall Overcome,” and no one will notice.
- Sit on any public bench and have long conversations with a hotdog.
- Sit on any public bench and talk to yourself. (I witnessed this in Birmingham, Al., on a visit to my daughter who is still in UAB Hospital.) All our cops in my hometown will do is see if you have a home to live in. And since I do, I can start doing this tomorrow.
- Get your name legally-changed from “Mike,” to “Mr. Pumpkin Man.”
- Wear Old Glory, our cherished flag, around our shoulders as a cape like Superman. Or you can wear an actual, home-made red cape just like Superman. Both are not illegal.
- Go in bare feet on our sidewalks, stores and public domain such as our park and roads.
- Stand out of the way of traffic and wave to the sky and yell, “I see you! Now come down here and land.” Now this one will get the attention of the police, but when they see that “I” am the one doing this, they will just laugh and say, “Carry on, Kenneth,” for they have always known that I am a bit off-center.
- You can hand-out political cards to our citizens saying “Vote For Me for Governor.” If you are asked, “Kenneth, are you running for governor?” Just laugh and reply, “As far as you know.” Then wink and walk away.
- Give people cash as much as you like and as long as you like.
- If you can afford it, get plastic surgery to look like James Arness.
- To my knowledge, there is no law against loitering in my hometown. If I were to do this, the cops would just pass and wave at me.
- You are welcome to dress in a grizzly bear suit, as long as your face is seen, and you do not hurt anyone.
- Stand in a safe place and wave at the people in every car or truck that passes by.
- Tell everyone you meet, “I am not a peach, regardless of the rumor that is going around.”
- Walk briskly up to a Hamilton resident and tell “them” the time.
- Stand near the Courthouse in the center of town and ask people if they care to take some free tap-dancing lessons.
- You can let dogs bite you until you cannot stand it and not go to jail.
- If you see an elderly woman or man about to cross the street, it is legal to escort them to safety.
- Get a guitar and sit in a public place, but play the guitar very badly and act as if it is a good song. You could get a few sympathy tips.
- Wear a sign around your neck that reads . . .”I am never lonely.”
- Go back the next day with a different sigh that reads . . .”This is not a publicity stunt.”
Come on down. I will be looking for you.
Other hubs you might enjoy:
“13 Mistakes You Made That Got You Expelled From College”
“Things You Did That Ruined Your Girlfriend’s Family Reunion”
“Places You Should Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk”