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What’s Wrong With Modern Day Pirates?

Updated on April 22, 2009
What a real pirate is supposed to look like!
What a real pirate is supposed to look like!
Love the slimming look of the bullets but come on Somali Pirate...
Love the slimming look of the bullets but come on Somali Pirate...


I don’t know about you but when I think about pirates all that comes to mind are Captain Hook and Johnny Depp so when all this talk of pirates began a few months ago I was more than a little confused. I thought that pirates had pretty much gone out of style. I didn’t know if it was because there were no more pieces of eight, the parrots started a union and finally bankrupted pirates having to pay for their health benefits or what but the more I hear about them the more I know exactly what’s wrong with modern day pirates – Don’t Get Me Started!              

I come from a long line of people who dress up for depression. My grandmother used to always say that it wasn’t the next door neighbor’s business to know if you didn’t have any money, you should always dress like you did (even if it meant being in debt, donating blood, or selling an organ). I guess I’m just an old fashioned gay who still believes in dressing for success and thinks that good manners are important. So when I look at these modern day pirates from Somali it’s just kind of hard to not want to scrub them down like Meryl Streep in Silkwood and give them some sort of extreme makeover.

First of all I know nothing about Somali or the culture. The closest I can get to it is that I know that’s where the model, Iman is from and she’s married to David Bowie. When I’ve seen Iman on television, she has always talked about how hunger is such a large issue in Somali so I guess if you want to look at the bright side of things, this would mean that the pirates would have nice thin waists which would make their shoulders look bigger in comparison, giving them that special “V” look that only male body builders and models seem to have in real life. So no bulky shoulder pads needed here. (So while I think that the shoulder pads are more comfortable for the parrots, for the aforementioned reasons I gave, I think that parrots are just passé when it comes to pirates so no shoulder pads).

The high boot is still simply a “must wear” for pirates. I think they make their legs look longer, they probably take the salt water better and let’s face it, whether it a cowboy or Prada one, everyone looks better in boots. The same thing goes with the lace up shirt. It has such a romantic feel to it that it’s a staple that should be in every pirate’s wardrobe. Pants should be worn tight I’m thinking, sort of like leggings. (Careful not to go with the whole overweight woman who wears them so tight that it allows her cottage cheese thighs to show through but thinks a large sweater will cover all her sins) This gives you stretch where you need it and you know when you’re swabbing the decks you don’t ever want to split your pants (especially with all those randy pirates around – this is the stuff gay fantasies are made of for some boys).  Finally let’s talk about the hat. Well, I think this is where you can show some real personal style. Whether it’s your typical Captain Hook hat with a plume or a baseball hat with a rhinestone skull and cross bones, a hat is a must to protect you from the elements and show everyone just who you are, be daring, be smart and above all tilt it to one side for a more debonair feel.

I know some of you are saying that the pirate issue is a serious one and we shouldn’t care what they’re wearing we should just be making sure that we have protection for our crews on the high seas. I don’t disagree with you but I can’t help myself, when you call them “pirates” I want some real piratey looking pirates, dammit. I remember years ago I was out at dinner with a friend in Arizona where I grew up. I was wearing black 501 jeans tucked into black boots, a black shirt and for some reason (I’m sure I don’t know why) I had a large silver hoop earring in my ear. (I was more the subtle diamond stud type back in the day) So all of a sudden in a flurry comes a girl (now a woman) I hadn’t seen since high school. She was talking to me and just drinking my all black (including my dyed hair) look in and then went back to her table. She stared at me the rest of the night. I said to my friend, “Great I haven’t seen her in a hundred years and just my luck, when she sees me I look like a gay pirate!” The point is that if I can do it so can they. These pirates just aren’t pirates anymore in my book, they’re just extortionists and since no one really knows what an extortionist looks like I think we should use that term instead of “pirate” unless of course they start dressing the part. What’s wrong with modern day pirates? – Don’t Get Me Started!              

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    • MotherHubber profile image

      MotherHubber 8 years ago from Southern California

      Loved this - just read it. I feel the same way! Unless you're Johnny Depp, you don't get to call yourself a pirate. You're just a dirty low down criminal, and where's the flair in that?

    • Lifesrich profile image

      Lifesrich 8 years ago from Southern California

      and another thing... I want my pirate to sing... It's a Pirates Life For Me. Just as I see it at Disneyland. Good Hub ...