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Zen in the Public Restroom

Updated on August 5, 2015
Duh,my mother already taught me to wash my hands after using the toilet, but thanks for the reminder.
Duh,my mother already taught me to wash my hands after using the toilet, but thanks for the reminder.

Peace, Quiet and Number Two

When I go into a public restroom I want to do only one thing, or perhaps two. I cerntainly don't want to be disturbed by others. I don't want to flush others poo down the toilet or waste time wiping down a pee-splattered toilet seat. I just want to go in and out as quickly and efficiently as I can.

A public restroom is just a place to unload a dinner or empty a bladder after drinking a couple of Miller beers. I want my bathroom experience to be simple, unencumbered and free from disease, pestilence or plague. I don't want to have to read stuff on the walls or be given instructions on how to conduct myself in a restroom. While it might be good for others who had lousy parents, I'm 60 years old and I think I know how to "take a leak" or a "dump" by now. I just want to be left to my own devices so I can move my bowels free of unnecessary aggravation or hardship.

I just want to be left to my own devices so I can move my bowels free of unnecessary aggravation or hardship.

Ah, too many rules in this bathroom.  It's like living in a Communist country.  And I refuse to brush my teeth in a public restroom. Although I might give my teeth a quick floss.
Ah, too many rules in this bathroom. It's like living in a Communist country. And I refuse to brush my teeth in a public restroom. Although I might give my teeth a quick floss.

Thank You Enlarged Prostate. Thank you Beavis and Butt-head.

I don't want to see anyone I know in the bathroom. While I am handling my private part, I don't want to run into a friend, a co-worker or even a distant relative. I want to be as anonymous as I can. When I am struggling on the "hopper" I don't want a conversation with my tax attorney about my 401K plan. I want to be invisible to the world of human beings and their personal hygiene habits. It's bad enough that God made us defecate at least once a day. And it's rotten that he changes our plumbing when we get older so it takes us longer to urinate and therefore requiring a longer stay in the public restroom. Thanks to an enlarged prostate, I can no longer take a quick wiz, I have to spend an eternity in a room that I don't care to be in and with people who remind me of Beavis and Butt-head.

It's very difficult to think about eating a cupcake on the "hopper" no matter how good they are.
It's very difficult to think about eating a cupcake on the "hopper" no matter how good they are.

I Don't Want Any of That Crap

It's bad enough dealing with normal people, but I don't want to share the restroom with someone who doesn't have all his marbles. I don't want to see an addict snorting coke or a guy with a bandana wrapped around his arm shooting heroin. I don't want to hear a stranger singing Fly Me to The Moon in a cappella no matter if he sings like Tony Bennett. I don't want to hear a guy whistling, humming or reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. It doesn't mean that I'm not patriotic, but I don't want to hear none of that crap. I especially can't stand when people moan and grown when they are delivering their prized possessions. I don't care how agonizingly big it must be, I prefer not to hear the sounds of people suffering. It's not that I'm not compassionate, the sound of a fart, belch, or stomach growl from strangers makes me nauseous. Save that crap for the privacy of your own home. I want it to be as quiet as a morgue at midnight.

Some people like to write things on the wall when they go to the restroom while other people need a blackboard.  Ooops, its my turn to clean the erasers...
Some people like to write things on the wall when they go to the restroom while other people need a blackboard. Ooops, its my turn to clean the erasers...

I Think I Know what Genitalia Looks Like

When I "empty my snake" I prefer to do it in a clean facility, not some place where the homeless happen to nest. I want there to be plenty of toilet paper with the dispenser fully functional. Not the kind where you can see the toilet paper but you can't get to it. I want a hand dryer that blows hot air and not cold. Ideally, I want a clean, warm towelette to wipe my hands. I want there to be soap in the dispenser, the sweet smelling soap not the kind that foams up with minimal anti-bacterial punch. I want a clean mirror to see if my hair is combed or if I still have some steak stuck between my teeth. I want the stalls to be private so you don't have to see the person's Nike Crosstrainer in the next stall. I don't want any "glory holes" or obscenity written on the stalls with graphic depictions of human body parts. I think I know what genitalia looks like; and for those who don't, I pity you.

It's always good to know if there's a crisis in the public restroom there is always someone ready to help you, except if you run out of toilet paper with your pants down.
It's always good to know if there's a crisis in the public restroom there is always someone ready to help you, except if you run out of toilet paper with your pants down.

Nothing Should Get in the Way of Our Bowel Movements

Nothing should impede our bowel movements, except if there is a fire, earthquake, tsunami or any other natural disaster. The bowel movement should be pleasant, free of anxiety or bitterness and free-flowing. It should be like having a pleasant meal, but only in reverse. It should make us feel good, like we are cleaning house or getting rid of some old junk lying around the garage. It should make us feel lighter and have more bounce in our step.

That's why, if you notice, dogs and cats wait till no one's looking and then they poop. A cat might slink down the stairs in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping and go to her litter box. Then she quietly covers the poop with the litter feeling renewed and revitalized, ready to find a frisky mouse.

A dog finds a nice spot in the yard, waits for the neighbors to go inside, and then he lays down a couple of hearty Tootsie Rolls, depending on the size of the dog's last meal. The dog, like the cat, will kick some dirt or grass over it so no one finds it. Because the feces is special to that dog. It comes out of his precious body. He doesn't want another dog finding it and perhaps selling it for a profit.

I don't know about you, but I don't get a muse to write a novel in the restroom.  I found this in a restaurant men's room, ready for somebody like Edgar Allan Poo to start typing.
I don't know about you, but I don't get a muse to write a novel in the restroom. I found this in a restaurant men's room, ready for somebody like Edgar Allan Poo to start typing.

Portable Potties

My least favorite public toilet is a portable potty that they have at concerts, fairs, or public events. These outdoor toilets don't flush and are filled with lye or some nasty chemicals that attempt to break down the excrement. Unfortunately they stink like decaying rodents and they are "hot as helI" to be in. It seems like the perfect breeding ground for disease-bearing, flesh-eating bacteria. Every time I go into one I pop a few Vitamin Cs into my mouth and pray that God shows me mercy and doesn't kill me before my time.

It's always good to know what the other gender needs to do when negotiating a porcelain toilet.
It's always good to know what the other gender needs to do when negotiating a porcelain toilet.

Final Word on This Whole Zen/ Toilet Thing

I just want to be able to pass what I pass without the guy in the next stall interfering with my drishti. I want my bathroom experience to be uninformative, uneventful, and totally uninspiring. I don't want to shake hands, bow or genuflect. I just want to go into a non-odorous room without any instructions, pictures of dogs or anatomical designs on the walls and just do my business in the most humble way possible.

And finally, when I am sitting on the oval ivory toilet seat, I want to be free of thoughts. I want my mind to be a clean slate. I want to "just be" or, to put it crudely, to be totally into my "dump." I don't want to have any preexisting notions of what it should be like. Simply put, I want to get on the "throne" and be only aware of the actions of my bladder, bowels and anus. I want to be in the moment, "my" moment, and not in the moment of someone in the next stall having a bad case of diarrhea.

I don't know about you, but I love to look at canines when I'm constipated.
I don't know about you, but I love to look at canines when I'm constipated.

I want to be in the moment, "my" moment, and not in the moment of someone in the next stall having a bad case of diarrhea.

If I'm working hard in the restroom, then I'm in trouble.
If I'm working hard in the restroom, then I'm in trouble.

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