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Big Trouble In Patong Beach, Phuket, Thailand
In late 2001, I began working as an English teacher at a language school in Phuket Thailand. My fellow teachers were not professional educators with university qualifications, to the contrary, they were mostly social misfits with a heavy addiction to drugs, alcohol and sex. One character in particular was an Irishman that had great difficulty putting together a sentence without dropping an F-bomb. Neal was a tall well built man in his late 20s, with a friendly disposition and a positive attitude. He was so well liked by the other teachers, that when he announced his plans to leave and go back to Ireland we decided to throw him a going away party. The story I am about to tell you is a detailed account of the events that unfolded at the going away party on Neal's last night in Phuket.
A True Story
The party started at a Mexican restaurant near the post office on the beach road in Patong. After an average meal and several margaritas and cervezas, we continued on to the beer bars on Bangla Road (the main entertainment district in Phuket's Patong Beach). We settled into one of the dirtiest and dingiest little hole in the wall bars opposite Soi Katoey (an area well known for having transsexual prostitutes). I was not at all happy with the selected bar to begin our night out, however I agreed to stay for a few drinks before moving on to a more respectable bar.
After about an hour, I began suggesting that we move on, the only problem was that Neal (the guest of honor) was nowhere to be found. Nobody had noticed where he went, and we all assumed that he would soon return. So we were forced to stay in this little hell hole with the hope that Neal would be returning shortly. Another hour passes by and some of my fellow teachers that had to work the next day were ready to call it a night. When others started leaving, I decided that I could no longer waste my time in this shabby little bar waiting for Neal. I convinced one of my fellow teachers to move across the street and have a beer at a slightly less disgusting establishment.
Before we could finish our first beers, we saw Neal strutting down the street coming toward us. He was proud as a peacock, with a stunning looking woman in tow. Neal was well over six feet tall, and shockingly the woman he was with was at least a few inches taller than him. When they came a little closer, it became quite clear that Neal's woman was actually a transsexual. Dressed in an elegant black evening gown and high heels, this man really did make a good looking woman. I must admit that some of these katoeys can look quite convincing with breast implants and gender reassignment surgery, however this giant beast was quite obviously a man, and Neal must have had too much to drink.
I was fairly certain that Neal was not the kind of guy that would knowingly choose to go home with a tranny, so I decided I would politely point out what a good looking dude this was. There are many men in Phuket that do knowingly go home with katoeys, so I did not want to judge him or ridicule him if this was what he was into. He was shocked when I suggested that his lovely girlfriend might in fact be a man. He said "what are you talking about mate? look at her. she is gorgeous!" So I once again told him that I did not mind one way or the other, and I just wanted to make sure he knew what he was getting into. So when he starting questioning his decision to take this beast home, she became quite aggressive with me.
This "she male" that was at least 6 inches taller than me, growled at me, telling me to "mind my own business". I explained calmly that I was just helping out my friend, and that it was quite likely that he would be happy to go with her regardless, however it was important that he knew what he was getting into. She seemed to disagree with me entirely, and she continued to be aggressive, so I told her to beat it and to go peddle her wares elsewhere. She was not going to give up so easily, she became wild with rage and began to attack me.
She came running at me, stumbling in her high heels, she threw a wild hay maker of a right hook. I simply moved my head 6 inches off to the side and the wild punch missed by a mile. Not discouraged, she wound up for a wild left, but again failed to connect. This was my first experience fighting a man in a dress, and I was unsure what rules apply in such cases? I thought about knocking her out, but decided that would probably be a poor decision. I simply grabbed this beast and picked her up off her feet, and threw her several feet backward. She landed on her ass in a pile of garbage that had been left out on the street corner.
I thought that this would have convinced her that a tranny is no match for a real man, but I was not so lucky. She jumped up from the pile of garbage and came running toward me with her arms flailing wildly. Now I was pissed off, and I was in no mood to play, so I picked her up again and slammed her into the garbage pile twice as hard as I did the first time. Surely she must realize that this was a fight she simply could not win? No such luck, while laying in the garbage she managed to get her hands on an empty beer bottle. She smashed the bottle on the curb and came running at me once again, with the broken bottle in hand. Now this was getting out of control! In order to put some distance between myself and this crazed transsexual, I moved behind a parked car on the side of the road.
She chased me around the car in a scene that was similar to a cartoon of Wiley Coyote and the Road Runner. Meanwhile a crowd was beginning to gather, mostly Thais that worked nearby. I realized that I had gotten myself into a very dangerous situation, with the potential for disaster. I decided the only way out of this mess was to run like the wind, flee the scene and avoid seeing this escalate any further. I sprinted away at full speed, and there was no way that any man wearing a dress and high heels could possibly catch me. When I was a safe distance away I stopped, I tried to change my appearance to avoid being recognized. So I bought a cheap t-shirt from a vendor on the side of the road, and then walked back down Bangla Road to continue my night out.
While I was walking, I looked toward the opposite side of the road, and I saw Neal walking with his beast. She was still carrying the broken beer bottle, and shouting about how she would cut me up. They did not notice me walking on the other side of the street wearing a different t-shirt. Neal was trying to calm her down, telling her it was going to be fine and they should just go home. I never saw Neal again after that night, I am sure he would have some interesting stories to tell about the incident, but I may never hear them.
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