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Scottish Kilt Jokes

Updated on August 17, 2014

whats up your kilt??????


Although the wearing of the national dress is saved for special occasions i.e weddings, there are a glut of jokes flying around about the kilted Scots, i hope you enjoy these select few.

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

Three scotswomen are walking home

at night (they are neighbors) and find

a scotsman passed out partially

under a wagon. His upper body is

under the wagon and they can't see

who he is; however, they would like to

help him get home. The first woman

looks under his kilt and says, "It's not

my husband". The second woman

looks under his kilt and says, It's not

my husband". The third woman looks

under his kilt and says, "Why he's not

even from our village!"

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

why do scots wear kilts

(two versions english and scotish)

Scotish: Because my wife can hear a zipper a mile away

English: Because a sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

of course we scots are often asked what is worn under the kilt here are some of the answers i have heard over the years.

  • My Scottish pride.

  • My shoes and socks.

  • Nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.

  • By a man to a woman: How warm are your hands?

  • By a man to a woman: Play your cards right and you can find out.

  • By a man to a woman: Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn't ask.

    She was right, God bless 'er.

  • By a man to a woman: Tell me madam, would you go jogging without a bra?

  • To another man: Same as you, only bigger.

  • To another man: Your wife's/sister's/mother's lipstick.

  • To a woman: If I'm lucky, your lipstick.

  • By a man: Bagpipes, wanna give 'em a blow?

  • By a man: A wee set of pipes.

  • By a man: String -- I had to tie it up so it didn't hang below the kilt.

  • By a man: It's the smallest airport in the world.....2 hangars and a night fighter.

  • By a lady: A wee sporran.

  • By a lady: Chanel No. 5.

  • How badly do you want to know?.

i hope you all enjoyed.....jimmy


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    • phoenixpiper profile image

      Will Thayer 5 months ago from Gilbert, AZ

      Haha! the "Same as you, only bigger" line got me. It's so simple! I can honestly say I've never heard that one before.

    • shea duane profile image

      shea duane 5 years ago from new jersey

      very funny!

    • profile image

      AliceOfWonderland 6 years ago from Transylvania

      Oh great collection of kilt jokes. Let me add a couple more:

      Why do Scots men keep their money in their sporran? If they are going to be robbed, at least they will enjoy it!

      Young girl puts her hand up a Scots man's kilt and says "That's gruesome!", the Scots man answers "Put it back up it's grew some more!"

    • Amata76 profile image

      Amata76 7 years ago from Central Illinois

      Love it! Very funny :)

    • Patty Inglish, MS profile image

      Patty Inglish 8 years ago from USA. Member of Asgardia, the first space nation, since October 2016

      This list is the largest collection of kilt jokes I've ever seen. Thanks!

    • gwendymom profile image

      gwendymom 8 years ago from Oklahoma

      Very funny Jimmy. Glad I followed CC's link.

    • profile image

      Jack 8 years ago

      A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "!"

      The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

      A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

      The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

      "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"