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Fun scottish humor

Updated on October 3, 2008

have a laugh

i thought it was time to add more jokes:

A Scottish shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Range Rover advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a Hermes tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd...

'If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you let me have one?' The shepherd looks at the young man, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers 'Aye!'

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to mobile phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 30 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulae. Finally he prints out a 10 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says 'You have exactly 1586 sheep here!'

That's right said the shepherd, and as agreed, you can take one of the sheep. He

watches as the young man makes a selection and bundles it in his Range Rover.

Then he says 'If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?' 'OK - why not?' answers the young man. 'You are a consultant' says the shepherd. 'That's right' says the yuppie 'How did you guess?' 'Easy' answers the shepherd. 'You turn up here although nobody called want to be paid for the answer to a question when I already knew the answer...and you don't know a damned thing about my business. That's obvious. Now give me back my dog.'

The MacTavish brothers decided that one of their number would go to America and make his fortune, coming back to share with the rest of them. The youngest, Ian, was chosen for this task. Off he went, and he worked hard in America, and earned himself a fortune over a few years, and wired his brothers that he'd be returning with it. When he came back to Scotland he got off the boat, and looked around for his brothers, but could not see anyone who looked familiar. Finally, a group of bearded strangers approached. "Ho, Ian, are ye not knowing yer own brothers?" asked the first one. Then Ian realized his brothers had grown beards.

"Fer heaven's sake, laddies, what would ye be growin' them beards for, now?" he asked.

"We had to, lad, ye took the razor wi' ye!"

Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked: ‘Anything I can get you, Hughie?'

No reply.

‘Have you got a last wish, Hughie?'

Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.'

‘Wheesht, man,' said Maggie, ‘you know fine that's for the your funeral.'


SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

HOUSEWIVES: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he said; "What's all this about?"

She said, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fired back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replied.

I hope you enjoy.....jimmy

for some more Scottish jokes take a visit to gary's blog


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    • profile image

      dj 7 years ago


    • belebay profile image

      belebay 10 years ago from Singapore

      Nice joke!


    • profile image

      Gary 10 years ago

      thought you might like this blog! Would you like to add my site link to your page??

    • Chuck profile image

      Chuck Nugent 11 years ago from Tucson, Arizona

      The consultant one was great! Keep it up, I love reading your jokes.

    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 11 years ago from San Francisco

      I love these too

    • profile image

      eastcoste 11 years ago from brooklyn

      dis poem is hallareous

    • Ralph Deeds profile image

      Ralph Deeds 11 years ago from Birmingham, Michigan

      HA! HA! Keep 'em coming.