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Tips on How to Survive A Tenerife Vacation
A Little Knowlege and You'll Have More Fun
A Little Knowledge and You'll Have More Fun
There is a man I've never met
He's my favourite Vietnam Vet
He makes me laugh , His wit is so dry
Can I make HIM laugh, Don't Know, But I'll Try.
There's only one thing more annoying to a local resident than walking behind tourists, who have all the time in the world....and that's walking behind tourists IN LOVE. They don't even know there is a world around them.
They are totally blinded by the sunshine and the rose-coloured glasses of lovers. Thay'll fall over your feet and not notice. Rather than be rude and say" Some of us have to work you know, get out of my way"
I usually prefer to simply cross the road to the other side where I will inevitably bump into an OPC. (For the uninitiated...Obnoxious, Persistent, Cretin.!)
"no thank you" I'll say "I know what you're selling, Hey why are you yelling?"
oH! I see good hearing eh?. Sorry about that use of the local slang . You are of course an OPC meaning Outside Personal Contact.
"I still don't want anything, thank you. I've been living here since before you were born, young man."
"No way, Mrs.!!! You are far too white. You can't have been here long, where's your tan?"
"Where's my tan, Oh man!, Have you never head of cancer? Cancer of the skin. dear boy, avoid it like the plague, hence this enormous hat., I'm wearing .
You stand here all day in your shorts and T Shirt. I know it's not an easy job, but at least wear a sports cap or something. If you're not careful you'll end up dead."
"Everyone ends up dead, Mrs."
Fair enough but why rush the process. Have you seen the surfers in Australia , looking like their going on the warpath in the old Wild West. Good skin protection.
"Anyway, It's your life, son. Have a good day".
So the tip is ....LIE... Either "I live here, or I've already got one..."
My 2nd tip is not really a tip at all , more of a warning.
Once a year there is a bicycle race around the island. Unfortunately the date of this race seems to be a well kept secret from everyone except the participants and the local Police.
So if you happen to be driving anywhere on the island on this unknown day of the Great cycle race. Forget it!
It's quite normal to be pulled over by the local police or worse the civil guard who behave as though they just forgot to put their swastikas on their shirts..
"Can't drive along here Senor, not today."
"Er but this is the motorway, isn't it, or Highway, Freeway Autopista?"
"Yes it is but it's closed for the cycle race you see,"
"You can pull over there to that waste ground till all the cyclists have passed by, shouldn't take more than 2 or 3 hours, or you can take this narrow road uphill and keep going till you see signs for Mnt. Teide. Just happens to be the highest peak in all of Spain Senor, here on our little island, when you see that sign turn left and down hill for an hour or so and you should be ok."
"So that's my choice is it? No using the highway but I can drive up the narrow, winding bumpy roads over the mountain and down the other side."
"That's it You've got it. Enjoy the scenery. Adios!"
On any other day of course you could attempt tip number 3... The local buses.They really are very good(no kidding) Air Conditioned, comfortable seating, Pleasant drivers (but they say "yes " to everything because they don't really understand you.)
As long as you know the name of the town, village, beach, wherever you want to go., I'd recommend them. The ocean is always in sight , the flowers are out of this world.. You are not driving so you can relax. That is as long as you have PLENTY of time.. You may be told it is only 60 kilometres to your destination but they forget to tell you about the 16 or 17 village bus stops along the way. Take a packed lunch!
All in all Tenerife is a wonderful Holiday destination but its not perfect. Where Is??
Once I've moved back to Britain I'm definitely going to come here and walk very slowly to annoy the locals, but head for the beach on the day of the bicycle race if I can bribe someone to tell me when it's going to be..