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So, you want to be abducted by aliens...?

Updated on May 23, 2011
Wish you were here!
Wish you were here!

It's Fast and Easy!

Don’t worry, we don’t need anything – no boring forms, not really any personal information. That’s right. It’s practically completely free and your alien abduction is almost completely guaranteed.

Naturally, aliens care about humans and the planet called Earth. They wouldn’t travel millions of light years just to mess with our minds! That would be completely ridiculous. Go ahead, get ready to hear their message of peace and hope for all mankind.

Plus, they might even let you steer their spaceship!

What will my contact be like?

It will be great! Your contact or abduction experience may include a tour of a genuine intergalactic spaceship, a ride around the solar system and maybe a free medical examination. Remember, they care about your health. And no hassles with your HMO! No co-pay or forms to file with your health insurance company!

IT'S ALL FREE!

What Kind of Alien Will I Meet?

What UFO experience would be complete without the classic Greys?

They're an integral part of almost every abduction. They're easily recognizable by their smooth, greyish skin, long, elegant arms, legs and fingers, short stature, big head and large, black eyes.

The rumor is that they're having trouble reproducing themselves and are trying to make hybrids, but if that's true, the good news is there's no child support involved.

Aren't there more aliens, other than Greys?

Sure there are. It's a big universe out there, and despite what that Star Trek franchise wants you to think, humans and humanoids are definitely a minority!

You'll probably come across the Reptoids, or Reptilians, who have an undeserved reputation for being dangerous. We agree, they do have a particulary threatening look, being tall, covered in greenish-grey scales, with sharp claws, but really, they are quite civilized and enjoy a good laugh and snifter of brandy as much as the rest of us.

The Nords are always a fun bunch, and quite easy on the eye. Imagine a planet full of blonde, Swedish types. Yum!

And don't forget about the little green men. NASA doesn't want this to come out, but the Martians are a popular bunch of aliens and you'll be able to find out why first hand!

Don't worry. What happens on Mars, stays on Mars. Those rovers wandering the surface can't see everything!

Okay, I'm convinced. Now What?

We can help make your abduction happen!

Just follow these easy instructions until the aliens come for you!

  • Play "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft" by The Carpenters ten times each night about nine pm.
  • Sprinkle sugar on your window sill, making sure to clean it up in the morning. If you have problems with ants, you can skip this step.
  • Place aluminum foil, shiny side in, on your head and send out pro-alien thoughts for at least one hour per day.
  • Leave cookies out. Yes, just like Santa. Most aliens have a real sweet tooth.
  • Tell everyone you know you want to be abducted. Someone you know is bound to be an alien and will pass it on to the proper authorities.

What if I've had enough and don't want to be abducted anymore?

In the unlikely event that you don't want to be abducted anymore, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Just tell them.They're understanding. I'm sure they'll leave you alone.

If that doesn't work, try these steps.

  • Play Yanni songs for at least one hour a day.
  • Sprinkle salt (sea salt is best) around your bed and on all the window sills in your house or apartment.
  • Never wear aluminum foil, shiny side in or out. Aluminum foil is a conductor and actually amplifies any thoughts you have.
  • Keep a container of mustard beside you at all times and if the alien comes, squirt them with it. No one likes to be squirted with condiments of any kind, but mustard is an actual alien-repellent. (Regular yellow Mustard, no Dijon or horse radish mix)
  • Clear your house of sugar, flour, soda, beer, wine, whiskey, junk food - anything that makes life worth living. 

Anyway, good luck with your abduction and remember, a person who makes contact is never alone!

It's a poll ! Participate!

Do you want to be abducted by aliens again

See results

Comments

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    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      7 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Let me know how it goes!

    • profile image

      koke 

      7 years ago

      I want to see what happens to me

    • profile image

      koke  

      7 years ago

      why or why not be abducted by aliens

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      7 years ago from The Laundry Room

      If they did, it wouldn't be in any currency you could use on this planet!

    • profile image

      Karen 

      7 years ago

      Will they pay me?

    • Carl S. Miller profile image

      Carl S. Miller 

      7 years ago from Pacific Northwest

      Absolutely freakin hilarious!

    • borge_009 profile image

      borge_009 

      8 years ago from Philippines

      I want to drive their spaceship. LOL. Thanks, i really enjoyed reading this hub.

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Oh, I know the truth is out there.

    • profile image

      Spock 

      9 years ago

      Wait until it happens. then you might not laugh so hard. The truth is out there...

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Nazishnasim - One of my daughters said not to squirt mustard on them. Instead, we should be nice and show them our manners, etc. I hate it when she sounds more like me than me.

      And maggs224, glad you enjoyed the hub! I'll be reading more of yours, too!

    • maggs224 profile image

      maggs224 

      9 years ago from Sunny Spain

      What a really funny and novel hub it really made me laugh I like the way you write, I think I will be reading more of your hubs.

    • profile image

      nazishnasim 

      9 years ago

      Queen,

      *sighs* they love showing off their wees. I told them it ain't gonna make them look pretty but they still insist! As for their eating habits, they are very sensitive about their size-1 figures , so they are quite fascinated when humans (here me) gobble up their food like quinea piggies.

      Also, one of them once saw Britney and insists on smoking crack and shavin her head. Jeez, the poor E.Ts are getting highly polluted by their exposure to us!

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Wow, if the aliens like to watch you eat, it sounds like you've got some troublemakers there. Squirt them with mustard! While playing Yanni!And tell them to put their clothes back on. What would their mothers say?

      (Um, I have nothing against Yanni, in case he ever sees this hub. It's the aliens who have a grudge against him. I don't know why. They just do)

    • profile image

      nazishnasim 

      9 years ago

      Frogdropping is indeed a sweetheart Queen ...

      Loved the Hub ... one question though, what should I do when I start eating and the aliens all sit at the table and stare at me ... I'd feel like throwing up while eating and watching those disgusting big round iris-eyes and that slimey skin ... and what if they think not wearing cloths is COOL?! *shudders*

    • k@ri profile image

      Kari Poulsen 

      9 years ago from Ohio

      LOL, so aliens don't like Yanni...perfectly understandable!

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 

      9 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      Very clever. Like your style and humor

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Froggydroppings sounds like a very talented writer!

    • cindyvine profile image

      Cindy Vine 

      9 years ago from Cape Town

      Ah Queenie, loved it very good and very similar writing style to Froggydroppings!

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hahaha oh right! :-)

    • Queen of the Lint profile imageAUTHOR

      Queen of the Lint 

      9 years ago from The Laundry Room

      Hey, thanks for making me a Hubnugget Wannae! It's an honor!

      And, in answer to your question -sure, aliens could look just like us, but where would be the fun in that? Unless we're the aliens....

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hahahaha you are funny Queen of the Lint!  I never thought of being abducted by aliens before.  They seem so alien looking that well, I feel odd being around them.  Is it possible for aliens to look just like one of us?  LOL

      Well, you abduction hub has caught the eye of the Hubnuggets Team and on this particular week, you are a Hubnugget Wannabe?  Woohooo congratulations! Click this link for more details about the Hubnuggets: http://hubpages.com/hub/Nuggets-of-the-Green-Corn-... and where you can place your vote too.

      Have fun!

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