Miss Maddie, Boxador, Queen of the Mixed Breeds: How Do I Live Without Her?

Many of you have read my original hub on my Boxador, Maddie. She was a special angel given to our family from God. Unfortunately, God has allowed her to be taken from us, for whatever reason, and I am really struggling to deal with the pain and loss of losing her. Unbeknownst to us when we bought her, Boxers are very susceptible to cancer and a couple of months ago we thought she had a spider bite on her jaw. She was put on antibiotics but they didn't seem to help so we had a biopsy and cytology done on her and discovered that she had a rapidly growing form of cancer on her jaw and in her tissue and lymph nodes. She was eating and drinking normally and didn't seem to be in any pain until December when her jaw began to look really nasty, weep and bleed. She began having trouble eating and that was a bad sign for her because she never once in her life ever stopped eating, no matter how bad she felt. She started to lose weight and wasn't running around the yard like she normally did. We refused to let her suffer so we had to have her put down by her original Vet on December 21, 2014. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life and I don't seem to be able to get over it. I am struggling through every day and haven't gone a single day since then without crying, no matter how hard I try not to, I see her everywhere and in everything. I am hoping that sharing this hub with you, it will help in my grieving and help me to be able to move on by taking little steps, without my baby girl. And maybe, this will help others who have lost a huge part of their life, knowing they are not alone in the grief, pain and loss of their precious canine angel.

How do you say goodbye to your constant companion for over 10 years, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? How do you go on without her? How do you forget the happy greetings at the door with a shoe, a weight, a toy, in her mouth and an uncontrollable wagging tail? How do you forget her wanting to be with you wherever you went, following you into every room and patiently waiting for you to scratch her ears, kiss her face, pet and love her? How do you forget watching her run around your yard, chasing frogs and turtles in the pond and swimming after the geese and ducks? How do you forget her patiently waiting until it was time to feed the chickens and ducks so that she could playfully chase them around the yard, ears flopping, tail wagging and eyes bright with orneriness? How do you forget how she cuddled up against you under your blanket just to be close to you when you were sleeping or to get warm and warm you? How do you forget playing fetch-hide-and-seek with her and chasing you all over the house searching and finding you in your hiding spot? How do you forget when she sensed you hurting and laid her head on you to show you it was all right? How do you forget sitting on the floor after an exhausting day and she just waiting for you so that she could get up and sit down next to you, leaning against you to comfort you? How do you forget the daily walks on nice days and running around the yard after sticks and soccer balls? How do you forget sharing everything you ate with her, saving her part of your meals when you went out? How do you forget your talks with her throughout the day when everyone else had gone to work or school? How do you forget all the vacations you went on with her, refusing to go on any without her and only finding places that would take dogs? How do you forget looking into those big brown angel eyes knowing you were unconditionally loved? How do you forget how much she loved Christmas and would peak into all the bags looking for her stocking stuffers and presents and then how much she loved opening her gifts on Christmas morning? How do you forget how she would stand between you and who you might be arguing with to tell the other person to back off and to pay attention to her instead? How do you forget the comfort she gave you after a horrible day by her just being there? How do you forget taking the time to sit with her in the sun on a cool day, one of her favorite things to do? How do you forget how she barked to notify you of a neighbor crying for help? How do you forget her crazy barking at the UPS, oil man or FedEx guy? How do you forget how much she hated snakes and wasn’t afraid to tear them apart? How do you forget how much she loved licking your bowls after baking cakes or whipping cream and how she hated peas so much she would gobble up everything else on the plate and leave the peas? How do you forget how excited she she became when Daddy came home from work and the boys came home from school? How do you forget how much her jibs flapped in the wind and how much she loved to put her head out of the window while driving in the car? How do you forget how she knew when we were getting close to Grammy’s house by how excited she became at the same place every trip there? How do you forget how she sensed the feelings of others when they were sad and laid her head on them to show them comfort? How do you forget her hating to have her picture taken or happily rolling around on her back on the floor or chasing squirrels out of the bird feeder or off the porch? How do you forget how she would grab her bone and chew on it just to be around us when we returned home from an outing or how she would put her head in all the grocery bags looking for new doggie cookies, toys or bones when I got home from the store because she knew I couldn’t go to the store without visiting the doggie aisle for new cookies? How do you forget all the family holidays with her and long rides in the car across the country 37 times? How do you forget how she followed you downstairs every time you did laundry because her food bin was kept there and she knew you would give her a few kibble every time? How do you forget how she cocked her head while watching you refill her daily food bucket every time a scoop was put in patiently waiting for a few kibble to fall on the floor? How do you forget her standing over you and looking down at your face when you laid on the floor and her face was all wrinkly and funny? How do you forget the days, hours, minutes and seconds spent just being together, knowing she was there - the companionship, friendship, loyalty and love?

Never mind forgetting.

How do you live with the loneliness? How do you live with the silence? How do you live without her? How do you go on when your joy is gone? How do you live with a broken heart, an empty house, a vacant couch, a quiet yard, no ears to rub, no jibs to kiss, no precious Missy Jibbs to hug? How do you go on when your angel is gone? God Help Me, how do I live without her?

If there is anyone who knows how to help me deal with my aching heart, besides getting another dog, I would love to hear from you. I just cannot get another dog. There will never be another Maddie and I could not bring myself to love another dog, just to have it taken away again. I could not stand the pain.