Nothing can go wrong here...
U.S. government bombs Guam with frozen mice to kill snakes
Following the Second World War, the brown Treesnake was unintentionally transported from its native habitat in the South Pacific to the island of Guam. Cargo ships often take on unexpected 'cargo' in the form of animals that are brought aboard as part of other shipments or slither aboard on their own. Guam provided a wide range of food for the little wrigglers but few indigenous predators.
Today we have way too many Treesnakes on Guam, but you might get a different opinion should you choose to ask a Treesnake about it. The snakes are eating other animals, who probably agree with the US Department of Agriculture regarding the number of Treesnakes.
These critters also cause numerous power outages
across Guam and they eat house pets. The Treesnakes are about to learn that they have made some powerful enemies.
Guam is an important transportation hub: Treesnakes may spread to nearby islands simply by stowing away on cargo ships, pleasure craft, and suitcases of tourists who simply don't pay attention to snakes in their baggage.
Obviously, Treesnakes need to be eradicated from Guam, although you might get a different point of view from an actual Treesnake. We doubt that Treesnake voices were included in the thought process that arrived at the eradication conclusion.
What could possibly go wrong with this plan?
To solve this problem, the United States Department of Agriculture has devised this plan:
- Buy some mice
- Feed aspirin to the mice
- Kill the mice
- Freeze the mice
- Put the mice in airplanes
- Drop the frozen dead aspirin-filled mice into the jungle where the snakes live in trees
- Wait around while the snakes eat the frozen dead aspirin filled mice and hope that they (the snakes) experience liver failure from too much aspirin.
Actually, Step 7 (the waiting around) will probably take place in an air-conditioned laboratory that is mostly snake-free already.
What could possibly go wrong?
Given that the Treesnakes prefer to hide high up in the Guam tree canopy, USDA experts have experienced little success with traditional snake eradication methods, like building shopping malls and freeways.
Since common sense has taken a holiday, perhaps on a neighboring island not infested with Treesnakes, we suggest additional methods of Treesnake population control.
- Give every boy on Guam a BB gun.
Send them into the jungle and tell them to shoot anything that looks like a Treesnake. Give them a PS3 for every snake they bring back to the USDA laboratory.
2. Cut down all the trees.
It's called a Treesnake for good reason. Getting rid of all the trees will send a clear message to tree-living Treesnakes that they are no longer welcome in Guam.
3. Make the Treesnakes watch The View.
Populate Guam jungles with flat screen televisions tuned to reruns of ABC's hit show The View. The Treesnakes will immediately recognize their own kind and slither en masse to Hollywood, where they will blend into the native flora.
4. Introduce Samuel L. Jackson to Guam.
We propose that the star of the hit film Snakes On A Plane be coerced to holiday on Guam. As he strides through the jungle, his reputation will precede him, causing the Treesnakes to slither into the ocean rather than face his wrath.
Should Mr Jackson prefer not to camp in the jungle, perhaps there's a spare room at the USGS Brown Treesnake Research Lab, P.O 8255, MOU-3, Dededo, Guam 96912.
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