The World Is My Canvas, But I'm Running Out Of Paint
Growing older and looking back, I find myself remembering the dreams I held so dear at certain times in my life. Dreams I somehow managed to to turn into reality. Dreams I only dreamed of, but never achieved.
I finally realize at this late date, no-one really knows me. No-one ever did, or will. There are those who know my habits, and things from my past. I'm sure I'm predictable in many of my ways. But the only human being who really knows me, through and through, is myself. And I am the only person I know completely. Everyone else on the planet is capable of surprising me.
I have learned many lessons as the years sped so slowly by. (Yes it is a paradigm, but that's the way it is). The lessons I have learned have both taken their toll, and enlightened me. Life has been full of contradictions.
I have a lonely nature, and I suppose that's good and proper. It sooths my soul as I begin to prepare for my "golden" years. Years I do not dread. Knowing I have no idea what they will bring. "No-one knows what a day may bring forth". And I avoid anticipation inside myself, as I lay my plans. Because I realize the plans of others can effect me profoundly.
If this sounds sad or dismal, it's not. There is, I believe, a certain resignation with time. Finding out that moving mountains was never my skill. Knowing in my heart I really did do the best I knew how. I am a success in the eyes of some. A failure in the eyes of others. I am comfortable with myself. And that's more than many people have. It's more than I had for a very long time.
Yes I have grown, changed, and changed again. As I expressed in one of my paintings, I am only a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and one day I will be simply a memory. That's the way the ball has always bounced.
I have painted myself across life. With the laughter I've shared, and the heartache I've induced. No-one makes it out without effecting the ones we touch. No-one makes it out unscathed. I have left impressions, abstracts, and the remnants of what I actually meant.
Sometimes the picture is bright and completely clear. Other times the meaning is left obscure. So others may wonder, without understanding, why I did or did not do the things that would have benefited them more. Or how I managed to help them through. As I too wonder about people in my life who effected me to my core.
Thank you Micah for the title to this Hub. I love you.
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