How To Make Websites Look Terrible With Yolasite, Angelfire, and More

Sogno and I created a website with Yola.  I must say, I'm fairly impressed, but I'm ready to take the next step and make it a solid domain.  Right now, it is http://saucyminds.yolasite.com.  I think that's enough to turn anyone off of our website.  All we need to do is hack up $20/yr to make it SaucyMinds.com.  That's doable, I think, on the next incoming check.

My point is, I have a very specific goal in mind when it comes to the overall look and function of the site.  This goal comes from having seen websites that have really turned me off of them, even if I like the content or the topic the website is all about.

Here are the top things you must do if you want to make a super crappy website.

Yes, I'm talking about abusing the flash images and tiling it all over the webpage. Who does that anymore? Apparently, a lot of people do. So, if you want to annoy potential visitors, take a flash image and choose a tile option.

Heck, it doesn't even have to be flash image. Take a picture of Justin Bieber from the internet and let it checker your page to make your visitors' eyes cross. Make sure you also have flashing icons for e-mail, scrolling text across the top, and sparkly effects for all your text.

Use really crappy domain images that look like they came from the dark age of the internet.  Even better, have a rainbow text! Remember those in chats?  Another 1996 effect that I can remember is those drippy or flashy line dividers!

Effect: You certainly won't be keeping unique visitors that way. Maybe that's how you want it!

Alternative: Use simple text, preferably sans serif. Keep all your fonts relatively even, with the occasional <strong> headers to keep the page flowing. Have a simple background that doesn't distract from the content or online store you're maintaining. Keep your flash to a minimum.

Beat your visitors over the head with tons of ads, irrelevant words thrown together, and no white space in sight. Make sure to have lots of miscellaneous Amazon items strewn through-out. Don't allow your visitors to feel comfortable browsing through your site.

You need to bombard them with a lot of subliminal messages and not so subtle ads to get them to not click on anything just for the principle of it. Promote random things. Keep capsules or sections tightly knit to each other in a really jumbled way. Strew pictures everywhere for no good reason.

Get super obnoxious and write a sentence for each picture only that are NSFW because you think having just naked models will get you a lot of traffic even though your entire page is just hard to look at anyway because no one can navigate through all the freakin' jumbledness*.

Oh, and to make it even harder to navigate, have random ads jump out from nowhere and slide across the screen.  If they move, it's even harder to click that x button.

Effect: You may get banned from Google Adsense if you are going overboard with it. You might get some visitors just for laughs. Some people who are stuck in the Yahoo Geocities mentality will enjoy your site. For the most part, though, I don't think you're getting indexed in Google and I don't think you're gonna get a lot of fans. No google index, no fans = No money.

Alternative: Space things out nicely. Get creative and go easy on the eyes. Having less ads that are much more relevant to your content will get you better traffic. If you want artistic, jumbled effect, at least make it to where people actually want to look at it. Write quality content that people actually want to look at.

* P.S. Yes, jumbledness is a word because I said so.

Really? You are going to use what? Angelfire? Yahoo? Hell, BRAVENET? Okay, okay, maybe Bravenet isn't as bad as Angelfire. Believe it or not, people are using it. If you have a website that you actually update to this day on Angelfire and you're reading this, I am so sorry. Not for trashing your use of those particular hosts, but for the fact that you are.

I'm going to admit, in my younger days, I definitely used them. In fact, I may even still have a bravenet website floating somewhere and I forgot the login information. But that's irrelevant.

Effect: URL is going to look like this; blahblahblah.angelfire.com. The websites on those usually have very bad layout, horrible template, and they give you very little option in how to arrange your sections and content. They are ridiculous for the most part. Surprisingly, they encourage use (read: abuse) of flash gifs. People definitely do not want to click on URLs like that.

Alternative: Try using hosts that provide much more options. Yola.com, believe it or not, works a little like Hubpages. You can assemble the 'capsules' effectively and have an assortment of actual, useful widgets. Even better, shell out a little bit of money to have your own domain. Try GoDaddy.com for that purpose. You want to look like you actually put some effort into your work.

That's right. That's really all your visitors ask, although some extra bonuses wouldn't hurt.

What Your Visitors Don't Want:

1. Cluttered, inept look.
2. Hassle with reading content due to lack of it, as well as overuse of ads, actual usage of floating ads, and irrelevant, useless pictures.
3. Difficulty navigating.
4. A newbie effect where URLs shows you really don't keep up with the current internet or put much effort into putting some value into your website. (angelfire, etc).
5. Having drippy or flashy line dividers, or similar flashy gifs all over the site.
   

What Your Visitors Do Want (Plus Some Bonuses Not Covered Previously):

1. Easy to look at as far as flow of the overall aspect.
   
2. Interactive.
3. Easily navigated.
4. Pictures are cool to look at.
5. Informative read.
6. Easy read as far as the contents go.
   
7. Relevant, unannoying ads.
8. URLs shows intellect and effort.
9. Updated topics/content.
10. Share-worthy.
11. Headers and footers are clean.
12. Relevant, awesome keywords.