10 Simple Strategies to Keep You From Being Chewed Out by The Boss

"It's my way or no way"

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Vintage photo of boss tearing-up entire staff

A bit about your boss

You work for a boss who you would swear is Attila, The Hun’s first cousin. He loves to torment, belittle, brow-beat his employees, but it strikes you as odd that he singles you out for his “games of pain.” But since the economy is nearly in the toilet, you value your job so much that you take his abuse like the fearful man that you are.

Your boss is the only man that Satan prays to God to not send him to Hell for Satan cannot compete with his cruelty, meanness, and cold-hearted displays of deliberate cruelty. Your CEO fears him so much that he is afraid to fire him for your CEO fears for him and his family.

Even the most-respected hit-men have turned down huge amounts of cash to “take care of your boss.” Mean and evil are not even close to describing him. He strolls into the office most every morning bragging about how many women he was with the night before and his wife never asks why he drags himself home at daylight.

I'm the boss! Do you understand?

Next time I will use my fist!

What's your boss really like?

His gang of yes-men are by him like Robin Hood’s Merry Men. They agree with everything that flies out of his filthy mouth. Sometimes he comes out of his lavish office (that he cheated clients to build) and stands with his hands on his bulging hips and all but beats his chest as he bellows, “People. I am here to tell you that “I” best not catch any of you slacking or your butt is gone.” Then he sneers as he slithers back into his office to finish off the fifth of whiskey he started at 10 a.m.

Most of your coworkers make payments to him each Friday for the money he lent them and his interest rate makes the local “loan sharks,” sick with envy. But most of these poor employees couldn’t get a loan from the bank, so your boss saw a golden opportunity to line his coffers with more ill-gotten gains.

You have been a loyal employee for over 15 years and in this time you have suffered in silence for being ridiculed, used, mentally-abused, and grieve with depression at knowing you are mostly the only employee that your “bottom-feeder” of a boss chews out for no reason. Did you read that? No reason.

No day off for you! I run this office!

Your boss cannot be pleased

Your boss loves to make your life miserable. He threatened to fire you if you took off to see your only daughter graduate from high school. Instead your boss made you clean up the company warehouse—off the clock. Could it be possible that Charles Dickens’ “Ebenezer Scrooge,” could really be a real devil in the form of your boss?

One day you were so happy. Actually you were the happiest you had been in years, simply because of your people skills and honesty, a new client chose your company over your nearest competitor. But as soon as you came back from taking the client to lunch, your boss embarrassed you in front of the entire staff, and the new client, by chewing your butt for not inviting him, “the backbone” of the company, as he tells the new client that employees call him.

He has chewed you out for little or no reasons such as: His coffee you buy for him each morning is too hot or too cold, you didn’t get to work early enough to reserve his favorite parking space nearest the front doors to the office, and you get your head almost taken off for his shirts shrinking too much when they are dry cleaned.

I said shape up or hit the bricks!

You are truly made of rock

At the office Christmas party, during his acceptance speech for being “The Most-Productive Branch Manager of The Year,” he refers to you several times as his personal “scape goat,” who he can count on to shoulder the blame for mistakes made during the course of a workday.

Your doting wife hangs her head and silently weeps as you are laughed at to your face by this “vermin” of a boss, the employees and their families. She prays to God that night that someone will design a plan for you to be man at home and at work. Mostly at work.

So, my good, humble friend, feel free to use these ideas that I respectfully call . . .

“10 Simple Strategies to Keep You From Being Chewed Out by The Boss”

Boss chewing out employee

This is you after a chewing by the boss

Youi are such a dork for messing this up!

Am I embarrassing you?

Special notice:

I just want to put to rest any unfounded rumors at this time about the work and production that went into the writing of this hub.

I can fully-assure everyone that absolutely NO ACTOR EMPLOYEES were injured in the design or writing of this piece and this applies to any animals that might have wandered into my small work office at home with my lazy tomcat, "Festus."


Kenneth

  1. WHEN YOU SEE “THAT” LOOK – on his face that means time for your daily-chewing, let him get started. “Winslow, you know that contract that . . .” Then interrupt him. “Sir, I am familiar with that contract that “you” won for our company for being so experienced, was just on my mind and I was on my way to my desk to order you and your wife a dinner at “Charity’s,” tonight. On me. See how nice he becomes. Note: This might set you back a few bucks, so start saving now.
  2. KEEP PHOTOS – of gorgeous women in your suit pocket so when the boss starts to bark at you so you can whip a photo out and say, “Boss, sir. This lady was in our lobby asking for you just now.” Watch this abusing worm disappear. But when he returns more-angry at you for her being gone, you simply say, “Boss, sir, she said that if she was gone, she would call you tomorrow.” Tomorrow he will not leave his office waiting on her call that never comes.
  3. ALWAYS BACK DOWN – from an over-armed enemy such as your abusive boss. “Winslow! Why did you show-up two and a half minutes late today?” “Well, sir. You are right as usual. I need to be faster in the mornings.” So to show him up to the staff, come in the next day an hour early. Then to make him squirm, say, “The CEO asked me why I was here an hour early and I told him that I loved my job so much that I couldn’t wait to get to work.”
  4. FAINTING – is always good to avoid a butt-chewing. As soon as the boss starts cursing you, suddenly fall to the floor like a sack of flour. Your boss will be ashamed of causing you to faint. But just as the EMT’s ask you why you fainted, you look at the boss and enjoy him sweating with fear that you will tell them it was his fault. Note: you might master the art of falling before you try this one to keep yourself from being injured.
  5. ASK ASININE QUESTIONS – to deflect the boss’ tantrums. “Winslow! I hate it when you wear that suit!” “Boss, sir, did you say last week you were promoted to boss faster than anyone in the company?” The boss’ huge ego will kick-in and he will start sharing boring stories of his climb up the corporate ladder.
  6. ACT SINCERE – just before you get threatened. “Boss, sir, did a dog bite you this morning? Your leg looks swollen.” Then stoop down and attempt to check it out. Then suggest to a coworker that they call the Animal Bite Center to see if the boss might have rabies.
  7. JUST LET THE WINDBAG – get it all out of his system. Then when you feel that he is winded, ask, “Is that all, boss, sir? If it is, I am sorry for being so stupid and now I need to get to work.” Your coworkers will secretly resent the boss more than you can fathom.
  8. KEEP AN INFLATABLE – device underneath your clothing so when the boss charges at you like an angry bull, just yank the hidden string and watch the boss’ stop with fear as you “blow up” in front of his very eyes.
  9. LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE – and start speaking it as fast as you can when “Mr. Domination,” starts belittling you in front of the staff.
  10. SEND THE LOUD MOUTH – a fake email from the CEO when Christmas nears. Let the email read that he, the CEO, wants him, the loud mouth boss, to talk favorably about “all” of his employees and that includes “Winslow,” the hard-working guy that he, the CEO watched one day last week work as hard as an ox carrying boxes of heavy materials to a FedEx truck without any help. Note: if you are not savvy in the design of fake emails, consult a PC expert and give him a few hundred for his trouble.

Now go for it, “Winslow!”

Coming soon . . . “10 Easy Ways to Get Your Girlfriend to Love You More”

Who are you trying to fool? I am the CEO!

More by this Author


Comments 18 comments

Melinda Longoria profile image

Melinda Longoria 2 years ago from Garland, Texas

Wow, this was a home run! ;-) Hilarious & right on! Voted up & sharing. :-)


gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 2 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

Yes, many of us have such bosses. Well, when immature and insecure people have power, they oftentimes overcompensate for their "lack' by being "the BIG person" in the office. I have seen this many times, the boss who constantly belittles and harangues employees does so because he/she really does not have IT.

If a boss is secure, he/she would not feel the need to SHOW OUT the employee. This boss is masking outward bravado for inward insecurity. One time a boss did this to me and I SHOWED HER up, stating that she was stupid and slow. She became flustered and speechless. Only inept bosses would publicly humiliate and be a bully to his/her employees. Smart employees KNOW this boss for what HE/SHE is and aren't afraid. Good piece, Ken, as usual. It is the INSECURE and AFRAID who is the LOUDEST.

One suggestion is to STARE the ogre down. Yes, eye to eye contact, that SHOULD fix him/her. Another suggestion is to just GET UP and LEAVE the ogre stewing. The main thing is to BE THE BETTER person.


Melinda Longoria profile image

Melinda Longoria 2 years ago from Garland, Texas

Great comments gmwilliams. I agree. :-)


gmwilliams profile image

gmwilliams 2 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

Why thank you.


arjun roy 2 years ago

great


MizBejabbers profile image

MizBejabbers 2 years ago

This is right on the nail, Kenneth. I've had several bosses like that and I always fought back. I usually quit as soon as I found another one, but back then jobs were plentiful. I've done one hub on this and you just reminded me of another hilarious way a coworker and I handled another one. Very good, my friend. Voted up and funny.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

I'm glad I don't work for a boss like that, although the direct supervisors have Jekyll and Hyde personalities. Some days are good and others are bad. It's nothing like you describe, but it can make for long days.


Homeplace Series profile image

Homeplace Series 2 years ago from Hollister, MO

I don't have any words for this... ;-)


ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 2 years ago from New Delhi, India

Excellent hub!

A bad boss can ruin one's life. You have some great tips here, truly hilarious!

Very interesting and useful for those who have such bosses. Voted up and shared!


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 2 years ago from Stillwater, OK

Good stuff. If you can keep the boss windbag at bay, you have it made.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, aviannaovice,

You are so right. You are a wise girl. Thanks for stopping by.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, ChitrangadaSharan,

Thanks for you taking time to read and comment on this tutorial hub. Yes, bosses can make or break a receptionist life--if she doesn't use her head and the Federal Law.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Homeplace Series,

I do. My sincere thanks to you for reading and commenting on this slightly-controversial hub.

I appreciate it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, sheilamyers,

I am glad that you do not work for a boss, well, a jerk like this too. It is definitely not worth your self-respect or dignity.

Back in the mid-70's, I have proof that sleeping with the boss and partying with his buddies, WERE the most important tasks a pretty secretary or receptionist were hired for.

And people accepted this where I live. So did these girls families.

How things have changed for the better. Thank you, God, and Federal Government.

And thanks for the comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, MizBejabbers,

What other choices did you have but to find work elsewhere? You are right. I recall when jobs were to plentiful you could leave one job at ten in the morning and be working at a new job by 1 p.m.

And I respect you for your moral compass and bravery in how you stood up to these low-life men.

Thanks too for your nice comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

arjun roy,

Thank you, friend, for your compliment.

Come back anytime and visit with me.

Have yourself a peaceful night.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Melinda,

THANK YOU so much, for the nice comment and votes. You and my other followers are The Best. I love you all. I urge you all to alert other women and men to be on guard for bosses like this are still around and they have sneaking ways to legally-hide behind a cover of the law.

So be careful.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, gmwilliams,

What can I say, but "My Sincere Thanks," for such an insightful, in-depth comment."

"I have to agree with Melinda. Great comments."

"You have my respect."

Kenneth

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