10 Simple Strategies to Keep You From Being Chewed Out by The Boss

You work for a boss who you would swear is Attila, The Hun’s first cousin. He loves to torment, belittle, brow-beat his employees, but it strikes you as odd that he singles you out for his “games of pain.” But since the economy is nearly in the toilet, you value your job so much that you take his abuse like the fearful man that you are.

Your boss is the only man that Satan prays to God to not send him to Hell for Satan cannot compete with his cruelty, meanness, and cold-hearted displays of deliberate cruelty. Your CEO fears him so much that he is afraid to fire him for your CEO fears for him and his family.

Even the most-respected hit-men have turned down huge amounts of cash to “take care of your boss.” Mean and evil are not even close to describing him. He strolls into the office most every morning bragging about how many women he was with the night before and his wife never asks why he drags himself home at daylight.

His gang of yes-men are by him like Robin Hood’s Merry Men. They agree with everything that flies out of his filthy mouth. Sometimes he comes out of his lavish office (that he cheated clients to build) and stands with his hands on his bulging hips and all but beats his chest as he bellows, “People. I am here to tell you that “I” best not catch any of you slacking or your butt is gone.” Then he sneers as he slithers back into his office to finish off the fifth of whiskey he started at 10 a.m.

Most of your coworkers make payments to him each Friday for the money he lent them and his interest rate makes the local “loan sharks,” sick with envy. But most of these poor employees couldn’t get a loan from the bank, so your boss saw a golden opportunity to line his coffers with more ill-gotten gains.

You have been a loyal employee for over 15 years and in this time you have suffered in silence for being ridiculed, used, mentally-abused, and grieve with depression at knowing you are mostly the only employee that your “bottom-feeder” of a boss chews out for no reason. Did you read that? No reason.

Your boss loves to make your life miserable. He threatened to fire you if you took off to see your only daughter graduate from high school. Instead your boss made you clean up the company warehouse—off the clock. Could it be possible that Charles Dickens’ “Ebenezer Scrooge,” could really be a real devil in the form of your boss?

One day you were so happy. Actually you were the happiest you had been in years, simply because of your people skills and honesty, a new client chose your company over your nearest competitor. But as soon as you came back from taking the client to lunch, your boss embarrassed you in front of the entire staff, and the new client, by chewing your butt for not inviting him, “the backbone” of the company, as he tells the new client that employees call him.

He has chewed you out for little or no reasons such as: His coffee you buy for him each morning is too hot or too cold, you didn’t get to work early enough to reserve his favorite parking space nearest the front doors to the office, and you get your head almost taken off for his shirts shrinking too much when they are dry cleaned.

At the office Christmas party, during his acceptance speech for being “The Most-Productive Branch Manager of The Year,” he refers to you several times as his personal “scape goat,” who he can count on to shoulder the blame for mistakes made during the course of a workday.

Your doting wife hangs her head and silently weeps as you are laughed at to your face by this “vermin” of a boss, the employees and their families. She prays to God that night that someone will design a plan for you to be man at home and at work. Mostly at work.

So, my good, humble friend, feel free to use these ideas that I respectfully call . . .

“10 Simple Strategies to Keep You From Being Chewed Out by The Boss”

Special notice:

I just want to put to rest any unfounded rumors at this time about the work and production that went into the writing of this hub.

I can fully-assure everyone that absolutely NO ACTOR EMPLOYEES were injured in the design or writing of this piece and this applies to any animals that might have wandered into my small work office at home with my lazy tomcat, "Festus."

Kenneth

1. WHEN YOU SEE “THAT” LOOK – on his face that means time for your daily-chewing, let him get started. “Winslow, you know that contract that . . .” Then interrupt him. “Sir, I am familiar with that contract that “you” won for our company for being so experienced, was just on my mind and I was on my way to my desk to order you and your wife a dinner at “Charity’s,” tonight. On me. See how nice he becomes. Note: This might set you back a few bucks, so start saving now.
2. KEEP PHOTOS – of gorgeous women in your suit pocket so when the boss starts to bark at you so you can whip a photo out and say, “Boss, sir. This lady was in our lobby asking for you just now.” Watch this abusing worm disappear. But when he returns more-angry at you for her being gone, you simply say, “Boss, sir, she said that if she was gone, she would call you tomorrow.” Tomorrow he will not leave his office waiting on her call that never comes.
3. ALWAYS BACK DOWN – from an over-armed enemy such as your abusive boss. “Winslow! Why did you show-up two and a half minutes late today?” “Well, sir. You are right as usual. I need to be faster in the mornings.” So to show him up to the staff, come in the next day an hour early. Then to make him squirm, say, “The CEO asked me why I was here an hour early and I told him that I loved my job so much that I couldn’t wait to get to work.”
4. FAINTING – is always good to avoid a butt-chewing. As soon as the boss starts cursing you, suddenly fall to the floor like a sack of flour. Your boss will be ashamed of causing you to faint. But just as the EMT’s ask you why you fainted, you look at the boss and enjoy him sweating with fear that you will tell them it was his fault. Note: you might master the art of falling before you try this one to keep yourself from being injured.
5. ASK ASININE QUESTIONS – to deflect the boss’ tantrums. “Winslow! I hate it when you wear that suit!” “Boss, sir, did you say last week you were promoted to boss faster than anyone in the company?” The boss’ huge ego will kick-in and he will start sharing boring stories of his climb up the corporate ladder.
6. ACT SINCERE – just before you get threatened. “Boss, sir, did a dog bite you this morning? Your leg looks swollen.” Then stoop down and attempt to check it out. Then suggest to a coworker that they call the Animal Bite Center to see if the boss might have rabies.
7. JUST LET THE WINDBAG – get it all out of his system. Then when you feel that he is winded, ask, “Is that all, boss, sir? If it is, I am sorry for being so stupid and now I need to get to work.” Your coworkers will secretly resent the boss more than you can fathom.
8. KEEP AN INFLATABLE – device underneath your clothing so when the boss charges at you like an angry bull, just yank the hidden string and watch the boss’ stop with fear as you “blow up” in front of his very eyes.
9. LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE – and start speaking it as fast as you can when “Mr. Domination,” starts belittling you in front of the staff.
10. SEND THE LOUD MOUTH – a fake email from the CEO when Christmas nears. Let the email read that he, the CEO, wants him, the loud mouth boss, to talk favorably about “all” of his employees and that includes “Winslow,” the hard-working guy that he, the CEO watched one day last week work as hard as an ox carrying boxes of heavy materials to a FedEx truck without any help. Note: if you are not savvy in the design of fake emails, consult a PC expert and give him a few hundred for his trouble.

Now go for it, “Winslow!”

Coming soon . . . “10 Easy Ways to Get Your Girlfriend to Love You More”