50 Funny Firefighting Facts

It is not my intentions to offend anyone with this writing. I am not directly making any of these jokes at any one individual or any group of individuals. In fact a great deal of these jokes were given to me by many of the firefighters who inspire the Let's Talk Fire Series.

As always if you are offended than contact me directly and tell me why. This is meant to be taken lighthearted and not as a serious look at what we do.

I know it is not usually in my repertoire to resort to humor when tackling the Let's Talk Fire series of articles. I am usually pretty serious about the issues I cover and I do not want this to be looked at as a mistake. I do feel having fun in the fire service is essential if it is the right time to do so. I hope you enjoy these little tidbits of interesting and humorous firefighter facts.

1. It is never OK to use the longest pike pole on the truck to roast marshmallows at a structure fire. That particular pole is reserved for the Chief. You need to use a smaller pole unless of course you are a probie, in that case you use a spanner wrench. Also probies you buy the shmoes!

2. If you arrive on scene to the sight of several dead cops you have one of two possibilities. A. This is a hazmat scene. B. Someone has poijsoned the donut hut.

3. It is always easy to identify officers who where elected for anything but ability to lead. They carry butter or some other form of lubricant on their person to help get their heads through the station door.

4. Borrowing a fire axe of the truck at 3AM to scare neighborhood children is totally unacceptable and will not be tolerated. However, doing so to scare the probie is not only tolerated but considered a great time for all.

5. Turning your fire helmet backwards does not make you a ghetto firefighter.

6. Spraying down the concrete walkway leading to the truck bay during a blizzard is not a good way to get on the cheif's good side.

7. Burning food at the station is not fire safety training!

8. You can not perform CPR with a fog pattern.

9. Filling the air conditioner vents with confetti and waiting for the chief to turn it on is bad, hillarious, but bad.

10. If your chief is bald turtle wax is a bad gift idea, if your probie is bald buy him a case and charge it to the company suck up.

11. I have known probies who search for days for a hose stretcher and less than a minute for a bar of deodorant.

12. Finding a nickel at a volunteer fire scene does not make you paid on call.

13. Always assign your probie two different sized boots.

14. The company suck up is usually the one who has a brown nose

15. Kicking a door in is neither classified as forced entry or ventilation by NFPA standards. But as firefighters we all have a little B and E in us so we do it anyway.

16. The reason most firefighters do not use chevrons as a means to identify rank is the people who usually have it are big enough dicks already. (This one is referencing the chevron being a phallic for those who had trouble getting this one.) (For the record when I received it I was one of those people, lol.)symbol

17. A ladder bail out is not the correct term for when the probie drops a ladder nearly killing the chief. That is called an unfortunate miss.

18. Want to scare an interior attack crew? Place a mirror on the floor.

19. How do you confuse a probie? Read this again.

20. The only difference in being a chief and a probie is how many flunkies you have accumulated at the station.

21. If a firefighter glows in the dark you can rest assured they are in fact hazmat technician certified.

22. Seeing a 10 do a 69 at your 20 is not correct radio communication. Although an address would be nice if you did report this, for reference of course.

23. Girls with big breast can do anything a male firefighter can do, except slide down a ladder. (this is an inside joke at my station)

24. If you bend a ladder during a Denver Drill perhaps interior operations are not your fortay.

25. Radio Contact! Talk with mouth not beard.

26. If your future trainer wears a kiss shirt to work out in it is safe to assume he is a total nerd. (Thanks Brad, lol. For the record this is a direct reference to me.)

27. Nothing beats the roar of the crowd than seeing your chief high on the roof wearing Scooby Doo pajamas.

28. Selling fire department equipment is not fund raising.

29. Rehab is not admitting you have a drinking problem while the probie removes your cylinder.

30. If you can pack the chief's jock you can pack a hose.

31. A pat on the back in the fire service is a search for a good place to plant the knife.

32. If your unit number is 666 and you are the company chaplin your chief is a sick bastard.

33. Using the joker's voice to report fire conditions is not acceptable, unless of course it is Jack Nicholson's joker voice, than as you were.

34. When firefighters flee a collapsing building never shout run Forrest run.

35. Cramming paper into the probies boots is both entertaining and educational.

36. So a probie, an officer, and the company suck up were working real hard... yeah right!

37. A superman cape will not help fight a fire.

38. ICS does not stand for In Certain Situations.

39. Salvage does not mean removing the rims off a burning car.

40. EMTs love fire department basketball leagues. Extra overtime!

41. "Backdraft" is not appropriate training footage.

42. The fire SUV is like salad. It means the good stuff is on the way.

43. Firefighting affords us ample opportunity to say tug on my hose and get away with it.

44. The handcuff hitch is not the bedroom knot.

45. Hydrants are only acceptable for a dog to pee on so tell your probie to flip it and zip it.

46. So what if you can self rescue with a magazine, does not mean you should.

47. The official drink of a probie is H2O through 2 and a half at 250 GPM.

48. How many officers does it take to change a light bulb? None they make the probie do it.

49. If you have attended more buffets than fire classes this year you are not a firefighter.

50. What do you call a probie who just ran over the cheif's wife? A captain.