Answers to Questions a Boss Will Ask You When He is About to Fire You

You are familiar with the saying, “Your head’s on the block?” meaning you are being fired at day’s end. Did you also know that the “Executioner,” wearing a black hood, swinging the axe, never gets tired? I wonder if this "Executioner," guy is really a girl.

There was a time in America that it was a shame, disgrace, and just awful to “get fired,” for only the lazy, the boozers, cheaters, and thieves who steal company time and supplies “got the boot.” My, there a lot of metaphors for the term, “being fired.” Have you noticed?

Actually I agree with my own list of those who need to be fired (seen in above paragraph) for what they do is make it tougher on those who really want to work and keep their jobs. I got it. I forgot to use the modern-term, “slackers,” who sneak-around like fearful mice seeking crumbs, hiding in the men’s room, behind a stack of boxes, anywhere the bosses will not see them “stealing” their paycheck. "Slacker," fits the bill nicely.

People do not deserve to be fired are: The mentally or physically-handicapped. I mean, they passed every test by the Human Resources Department and thereby, they are qualified for working in a factory or office, but if they are a bit slower, but the quality of their work is above company standards, keep them. By all means, keep these priceless-workers for they do not “grow on trees.”

Somehow, America has fell into a race of sorts, to see which company can produce more goods than anyone by less quality employees. Maybe this worked in the 40’s and 50’s, but today, the consumer is smarter and knows a defect when he or she sees it. Thus, our companies need to be a bit slower if means keeping quality employees who know how to produce quality goods.

And these same companies need to be a bit faster in “weeding-out,” (another “firing”-related term) the slackers, the apathetic, the free-loaders, and those who think that companies owe them a living. Everywhere I worked, “I” was actually expected to do an honest day’s work. Can you fathom that?

Honestly, I was fired from two jobs at two different places for the same reason that was: For not doing the work of two men. This is what one plant manager told me and another guy whom he threw into the unemployment line with me. I asked, “Why should I do the work of two men, when I am only one man?” The other guy agreed. But the arrogant plant manager just glared at us and snapped, “Now get outta here before I call the law!” I never did get my answer.

If you "are" working, thank God. But if you have noticed your boss watching you more than usual, and scribbling notes on a clipboard, then be prepared. You might be getting fired or a severe reprimand. Or both.

So I am here to give you a few predictable-questions asked by office, plant, and worksite managers directly from The Human Rescources Manual on Terminating. And as an added-bonus, the answers you need to use.

Boss: “Thad,” did you know that coming into work fifteen-minutes early was against company policy?”

You: “And did “you” know that using toothpaste is a great way to remove ink from your shirt?”

Boss: “Being near those “druggies,” are grounds for you to be fired. Did you realize this?”

You: “But you were near them most of yesterday, sir.”

Boss: “You do know that you were caught on video tape going to the men’s room on company time?”

You: “Yes, but I could not magically make my bladder any bigger!”

Boss: “Would you like to apologize to “Peter,” for slugging him/”

You: “And be thought of as a wuss? No sir. My reputation is important to me.”

Boss: “Office supplies cost money. Were you aware of that?”

You: “Actually, no, sir. That wasn’t explained to me when I hired-in here fifteen years ago.”

Boss: “I have proof that you were five minutes late getting back from your lunch break. Am I right?”

You: “Sir, I have no way of proving you are right or wrong, and I was helping your daughter out of her new car that she had crashed into the side of this building, sir.”

Boss: “Do you need a letter of reference from me?”

You: “Which one—C, D, F? What about B?”

Boss: “I am letting you go and do you know why?”

You: “Not really, sir. I guess it’s because I was out sick for two days and never called in because my phone was turned-off due to my check being garnisheed by my wife’s divorce attorney.”

Boss: “With your answers, you seem to be a smart alec. Am I right?”

You: “No, sir. You are “Leonard Treadwell, office manager.”

Boss: “Do you really want me to tell you the “real” reason I am firing you?”

You: “Sure.”

Boss: “For reading all those stories by someone named, Kenneth Avery, on that thing, uhhh, what is it? Oh, HubPages. That’s why.”

Note to “Thad,” why don’t you come to work for me as my assistant. I could use the story ideas.