How to Have THE Shortest Office Career in The History of Work

One sure-fire way to get on your boss' bad side is to harrass employees without reason
One sure-fire way to get on your boss' bad side is to harrass employees without reason

YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED AND YOU ARE HAPPY

You have been “living the life of Riley,” hanging at home, playing video games with friends, drinking cold beer and drawing your unemployment. To make things more of a storybook story, you are not married, plus your debts, although huge, are not that many with your sports car convertible being the biggest debt you have.

But, with constant breading from your concerned parents and your lovely girlfriend (who loves you with or without job), you decide to just “bite the bullet,” and look for a job this coming Monday morning.

Somehow you are not immature enough to pout about job-hunting. Truthfully, you did enjoy the office scene a mere six-months ago when you were laid off due to down-sizing. If the job was right, you could stand to make a few bucks for you sure like greenback and being able to take your lovely girlfriend, “Jackie,” out on Friday and Saturday nights.

Laziness is not a way to stay employed
Laziness is not a way to stay employed
Anger issues will surely get you fired quickly
Anger issues will surely get you fired quickly
Foolish pranks are one way to lose your job
Foolish pranks are one way to lose your job

YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE SUDDENLY

You enter the office that you read in the daily paper was hiring and just for the job you formerly had with the company who laid you off. So what’s the worry? You think as you sit down in the lobby to wait for the personnel manager to give you the interview. Man, you look good in your brand-new three-piece suit with new designer slippers that you mom bought you out of concern.

The interview goes perfect. The personnel manager loves you. She even states, “Yep, you are our man for the job alright,” so with a mere handshake, you start the new job tomorrow. Can anyone who is jobless be as lucky as you are? You are truly living a charmed life.

Three years down the road, things have changed, and so have you. Your “love” for this job has turned to a seething-hatred. That same hatred also applies to your clingy and mega-sensitive coworkers. You have started cursing the day that you applied for this “boring burden” you call a job. You even pray to be in an auto accident on the way to work one morning and put in the hospital for a good three months. You hate your job, coworkers, and company that badly.

Watch and listen carefully

Harrassing female employees is not just a good way to be fired, but land yourelf in court with a huge lawsuit
Harrassing female employees is not just a good way to be fired, but land yourelf in court with a huge lawsuit

YOUR COMPANY CAN'T PUSH YOU AROUND

You hate your job and company because they do not pay overtime, expect work on weekends, do not pay for vacations, and they have seemingly hacked-into your personal life to be able to know when you and “Jackie” are planning a super-romantic romp on a special weekend that you two have planned for weeks.

But on the way home from your “salt mines” vocation one evening, a proverbial lightbulb goes off above your head. What a terrific idea has popped into your mind. Next Monday, you will start your one-man campaign on . . .

Ways You Can Have THE Shortest Office Career in History of Work

If you want to lose your job, quit. But if yoiiu bully coworkers, some may me martial arts masters
If you want to lose your job, quit. But if yoiiu bully coworkers, some may me martial arts masters
Yes, sir. A know-it-all WILL get you repramanded and possibly fired
Yes, sir. A know-it-all WILL get you repramanded and possibly fired | Source

Act like this and your last check will be in your hands shortly

This boss does not want the heavy responsibility of work, so he acts like a smart alec  on the job
This boss does not want the heavy responsibility of work, so he acts like a smart alec on the job
If you scream at the boss and coworkers, you will not work at your job for too long
If you scream at the boss and coworkers, you will not work at your job for too long
See caption underneath photo below
See caption underneath photo below
Sexual harrassment is "The Mother of All Ways to Get Fired."
Sexual harrassment is "The Mother of All Ways to Get Fired."
This guy has lost many jobs doing his bully act
This guy has lost many jobs doing his bully act
This girl wanted to visit the park everyday instead of working, so her boss caught her slackingn off
This girl wanted to visit the park everyday instead of working, so her boss caught her slackingn off
Telling a manager that you will not do what he asks will get you back in the unemployment line
Telling a manager that you will not do what he asks will get you back in the unemployment line
Source
  • Bop into work one morning and when the boss speaks to you, reply with, “Hello, ‘Mr. Jackass!’”
  • Start throwing things in the office that your coworkers ask you for—pencils, calculators, paper, even a computer monitor.
  • Wear the same clothes for four days at the time.
  • Never shower but maybe once a week.
  • Lose that clean-shaven look and stop shaving and combing your hair.
  • Forget mouthwash. Just brush your teeth twice a week and let the aroma of your breath go.
  • Openly-flirt and I mean vulgar-flirting with female employees and even the boss’ wife.
  • Openly-flirt and I mean vulgar-flirting with the male assistant manager in front of everyone.
  • Start heated-arguments with people about sensitive-topics such as abortion, religion, and the United States not going to battle against terrorists.
  • Openly-condone in audible conversations on the phone using porn films to motivate the office staff.
  • Keep a pint of whiskey in one of your desk drawers and let the boss see you take a quick nip.
  • Pretend to be angry and throw your chair through the window near your desk and bellow to the boss, “If you think I am going to pay for that, you are a fool!”
  • When the boss’ 22-year-old gorgeous single daughter pays him a visit, you go into the boss’ office with her without being invited—even put your arm around her and kiss her on the cheek and say, “Wow, you have certainly turned into one hot chick.” When her dad, your boss says, “Pelkins, do you think you want to leave?” You look overly-stunned and reply, “You kiddin’ me, boss?” Then put your feet up on his desk while ogling his daughter.
  • Take up a collection from your coworkers to give to a “sick” friend, “Bob Lewinski,” which is really the man’s photo that always comes with new wallets.
  • Sleep during board meetings and snore like a worn-out pack mule.
  • When a call is transferred to your desk, answer like President George W. Bush and tell the customer off-color jokes in Bush’ voice.
  • Invite yourself to lunch with three of your coworkers, but one of them says, “This is just for us three. “Joby,” here, has suffered a bad break in his life and he needs to talk it out with us.” Then you shove this guy against the wall and say, “Hey, I AM going to lunch, ‘Joby” or not. And you WILL pay for my eats! Got it?”
  • Show-up for work wearing a dirty white shirt and dress pants with cut-off legs and looking so shabby that you look like a bum.
  • Hug all of your female coworkers for no reason. When the office do-gooder speaks up, “Now, this is not acceptable behavior,” you snap at him, “Who asked you, ‘Mr. Butt-Into-Everyone’s-Business?”
  • Lay down in the aisle that leads to the elevator and take yourself a good, long nap.
  • Start butting the wall of your office as if you were an angry bull in a bull-fight.
  • Chew tobacco or use smokeless tobacco on the job although the employee handbook states “No tobacco useage while on company property.” When your frustrated boss tries to scold you, you say, “I know it’s not right, but all I can say is so what?”

Note: Life is more mysterious than any mystery novel. Any other time and with any other person would have been fired by breaking just two, three tops, of these rules. But one day your boss and the company C.E.O., comes to your desk, wakes you up, and the C.E.O., says . . .

“Great news, ‘Pelkins!’ I have seen brave men, for I am a World War II veteran, but you are the bravest man in the world! That’s right. You have broken every rule in the employee handbook and all on-purpose. This shows us that you are ready to take on the position of . . .MY ASSISTANT! Congratulations, ‘Pelkins!’”

If you are serious about being jobless, pay attention to this video

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Comments 10 comments

Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Great ending.


sheilamyers 2 years ago

Thanks for a good laugh. If I ever decided I wanted out of my job, I might try breaking some of the rules to see if I'd get fired. The problem with that is even though we're told the rules in the company Handbook, new employees are never given one. Everyone are told the basic rules and the others are only revealed on what seems to be a "need to know" basis.


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 2 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Kenneth, thanks for a new crop of chuckles. While I was laughing at the various scenarios you presented, I tried to ignore that most of them wouldn't just get a guy fired, but put behind bars for several years. But hey, if getting fired is what a guy wants, these are definitely great tips! ;D


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

Good to know what I should do the opposite of.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

vkwok,

LOL! You are so right. What insight you have. Thanks for the comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Eric,

Ending? Oh, this is a trick comment. I give up. Well, don't just leave me hanging.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

sheilamyers,

Oh, how this place sounds so much like some early places I worked before I worked out my life in the newspaper business--they were totally up front and I had to sign forms that I was told and shown the rules.

I thought it was a C.I.A. cover. Thank you for your great comment.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

JamaGenee,

You are welcome for the laughs. It is my pleasure to make YOU and my followers smile or laugh a little.

Believe me. As I told vkwok on another hub, I would be NOWHERE without YOU or my other followers.

This is serious and true.

Thank you, sweet lady, for such a nice comment.


The Examiner-1 profile image

The Examiner-1 2 years ago

I know that a lot of this is true Kenneth but it was funny, :-), and silly. It sounded like one of those TV comedy shows. I voted it up and shared it. I would pin it but I already closed that.

Kevin


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

The Examiner-1,

Thank you kindly for your hilarious comment. Some of this IS silly, but so is someone healthy for work, but insists on being lazy. I will shut up. I do not want to get riled-up tonight.

I appreciate you. Seriously. Have a peaceful night.

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