How to Have THE Shortest Office Career in The History of Work

YOU ARE UNEMPLOYED AND YOU ARE HAPPY

You have been “living the life of Riley,” hanging at home, playing video games with friends, drinking cold beer and drawing your unemployment. To make things more of a storybook story, you are not married, plus your debts, although huge, are not that many with your sports car convertible being the biggest debt you have.

But, with constant breading from your concerned parents and your lovely girlfriend (who loves you with or without job), you decide to just “bite the bullet,” and look for a job this coming Monday morning.

Somehow you are not immature enough to pout about job-hunting. Truthfully, you did enjoy the office scene a mere six-months ago when you were laid off due to down-sizing. If the job was right, you could stand to make a few bucks for you sure like greenback and being able to take your lovely girlfriend, “Jackie,” out on Friday and Saturday nights.

YOUR LIFE IS GOING TO CHANGE SUDDENLY

You enter the office that you read in the daily paper was hiring and just for the job you formerly had with the company who laid you off. So what’s the worry? You think as you sit down in the lobby to wait for the personnel manager to give you the interview. Man, you look good in your brand-new three-piece suit with new designer slippers that you mom bought you out of concern.

The interview goes perfect. The personnel manager loves you. She even states, “Yep, you are our man for the job alright,” so with a mere handshake, you start the new job tomorrow. Can anyone who is jobless be as lucky as you are? You are truly living a charmed life.

Three years down the road, things have changed, and so have you. Your “love” for this job has turned to a seething-hatred. That same hatred also applies to your clingy and mega-sensitive coworkers. You have started cursing the day that you applied for this “boring burden” you call a job. You even pray to be in an auto accident on the way to work one morning and put in the hospital for a good three months. You hate your job, coworkers, and company that badly.

YOUR COMPANY CAN'T PUSH YOU AROUND

You hate your job and company because they do not pay overtime, expect work on weekends, do not pay for vacations, and they have seemingly hacked-into your personal life to be able to know when you and “Jackie” are planning a super-romantic romp on a special weekend that you two have planned for weeks.

But on the way home from your “salt mines” vocation one evening, a proverbial lightbulb goes off above your head. What a terrific idea has popped into your mind. Next Monday, you will start your one-man campaign on . . .

Ways You Can Have THE Shortest Office Career in History of Work

• Bop into work one morning and when the boss speaks to you, reply with, “Hello, ‘Mr. Jackass!’”
• Start throwing things in the office that your coworkers ask you for—pencils, calculators, paper, even a computer monitor.
• Wear the same clothes for four days at the time.
• Never shower but maybe once a week.
• Lose that clean-shaven look and stop shaving and combing your hair.
• Forget mouthwash. Just brush your teeth twice a week and let the aroma of your breath go.
• Openly-flirt and I mean vulgar-flirting with female employees and even the boss’ wife.
• Openly-flirt and I mean vulgar-flirting with the male assistant manager in front of everyone.
• Start heated-arguments with people about sensitive-topics such as abortion, religion, and the United States not going to battle against terrorists.
• Openly-condone in audible conversations on the phone using porn films to motivate the office staff.
• Keep a pint of whiskey in one of your desk drawers and let the boss see you take a quick nip.
• Pretend to be angry and throw your chair through the window near your desk and bellow to the boss, “If you think I am going to pay for that, you are a fool!”
• When the boss’ 22-year-old gorgeous single daughter pays him a visit, you go into the boss’ office with her without being invited—even put your arm around her and kiss her on the cheek and say, “Wow, you have certainly turned into one hot chick.” When her dad, your boss says, “Pelkins, do you think you want to leave?” You look overly-stunned and reply, “You kiddin’ me, boss?” Then put your feet up on his desk while ogling his daughter.
• Take up a collection from your coworkers to give to a “sick” friend, “Bob Lewinski,” which is really the man’s photo that always comes with new wallets.
• Sleep during board meetings and snore like a worn-out pack mule.
• When a call is transferred to your desk, answer like President George W. Bush and tell the customer off-color jokes in Bush’ voice.
• Invite yourself to lunch with three of your coworkers, but one of them says, “This is just for us three. “Joby,” here, has suffered a bad break in his life and he needs to talk it out with us.” Then you shove this guy against the wall and say, “Hey, I AM going to lunch, ‘Joby” or not. And you WILL pay for my eats! Got it?”
• Show-up for work wearing a dirty white shirt and dress pants with cut-off legs and looking so shabby that you look like a bum.
• Hug all of your female coworkers for no reason. When the office do-gooder speaks up, “Now, this is not acceptable behavior,” you snap at him, “Who asked you, ‘Mr. Butt-Into-Everyone’s-Business?”
• Lay down in the aisle that leads to the elevator and take yourself a good, long nap.
• Start butting the wall of your office as if you were an angry bull in a bull-fight.
• Chew tobacco or use smokeless tobacco on the job although the employee handbook states “No tobacco useage while on company property.” When your frustrated boss tries to scold you, you say, “I know it’s not right, but all I can say is so what?”

Note: Life is more mysterious than any mystery novel. Any other time and with any other person would have been fired by breaking just two, three tops, of these rules. But one day your boss and the company C.E.O., comes to your desk, wakes you up, and the C.E.O., says . . .

“Great news, ‘Pelkins!’ I have seen brave men, for I am a World War II veteran, but you are the bravest man in the world! That’s right. You have broken every rule in the employee handbook and all on-purpose. This shows us that you are ready to take on the position of . . .MY ASSISTANT! Congratulations, ‘Pelkins!’”