Some Needed Help for Flunkies of America

Glad you asked me that question. I know all about "flunkies," and being a "flunkie." The true definitioi of a "flunkie," is a man or woman who the boss always goes to when a dreadful job in the work place is to be done. Mostly dreadful tasks such as cleaning the men's restroom commodes with limited materials. Or sweeping the sidewalk in front of your office building which happens to be in the middle of Fifth Avenue, New York. "Wy' Ken, that sweeping shows you are proud enough to keep your sidewalk clean," you chime in. Yes, you are right. Kinda. Do you see anyone else sweeping in front of their office buidings? No. That's why you are a "flunkie."

"Flunkies" are not known to talk back to management. They do on about their dreaded-tasks without as much as a whisper. "Flunkies" are not really recognized as part of the office staff, but an outsider. A male or female "flunkie" is never in the company photo at Christmas. Maybe they are, but seated in a chair BEHIND the regular staff so people cannot see them. And "flunkies," while you think are run-over, and you are right in that thinking, do get invites to the Annual Fourth of July Picnic where they serve as the people who get hit with pies in the face for entertainment. Or get rotten potatoes thrown at them in the "Spuds Hurling Contest." Things like that. The bosses think that "using" "flunkies" for degrading positions as these will keep them thinking they are a part of the employee force and appreciated.

Then by in God's holy name, the title, "flunkie"? Tell me that Mr. Business Owner. The root word in "flunkie" is FLUNK. Which means an uglier term for "failure." Now have I got your attention? Sadly, there are still employees in our workplaces in the United States who think that being the office "flunkie" is a title of honor. Oh, if they could hear what the bosses say behind their backs. "Hey, Tom. The urinals in the executive wash rooms need a good scouring." "Thanks, Ted. Let's call on "Billy," the office "flunkie." He knows how to clean the dirtiest urinal." Then both "Tom" and "Ted" fall over their desks laughing like wild donkeys.

The saddest part is when "Tom" and "Ted" call in this "Billy," who has been a faithful, devoted employee for over 22 years, and is only a "flunkie," due to his good nature and lack of backbone. "Hey, Billy. Got an important job for you," "Tom" says with a serious face. "Yeah, Billy. This job is just made for someone with your expertise," adds "Ted," the equally-hated assistant to "Tom." "Ohhh, boy," "Billy" says almost jumping up and down. "What is it, Mr. Ted. Mr. Tom?" "Well, Billy, we feel it's time for you to be promoted. So here, take this box of good-smelling deodorant "cakes" and put them in the urinals in the executive wash room after you give those doggone urinals a good scouring," "Ted" explains. "Uhhh, Mr. Ted. Mr. Tom, you want to promote me to Washroom Manager, but clean urinals in this, my only suit?" "Ted" and "Tom" laugh (at) "Billy" for asking such a dumb question. Then reply, "No, Billy. Take this pair of pink coveralls and leave your suit at your desk." "Billy" smiles and goes on to clean the urinals as happy as a lark.

• Overbearing bosses who use them for their personal gain.
• Being laughed-at by office staff and management.
• Never being asked for any input by company owners.
• Always given the nasty, hated tasks that "boss' pet" employees wouldn't touch.
• Having to buy lunch for boss and coworkers at their own expense.
• Always kept-out of office meetings.
• Always told something different than what the boss really said.
• Never given adequate raises no matter how hard they work.

it's time for you, the "flunkies," to step-up to the plate. Man and woman-up. Get a backbone. And show your overbearing bosses just how much you hate their menial jobs and low pay.

I am not suggesting by any means that you display a violent rage or angry outburst. Nor do I want you to use a weapon of any sort to get your point across. Just follow the easy-to-do tips below and the next time your boss grins (like a mule eating-up the cornfield) at you with a job that even the janitor won't do, ask you to do something you know is beneath your pride . . .

Simply square your shoulders, stay firm, and say one or two of the following items.

Okay. Let's to it this way. Your boss, a "mister Shin Kicker," lumbers toward your desk grinning that devious grin he always grins and says to you . . .

"Bobby," ol' chum, gonna need you to leave that work piled-up on your desk and go over to my best friend, "Johnny," who manages the carwash across the street, and fill-in for this "Julio," his prize employee who called in sick today. Got it?"

And "Mr. Shin Kicker," thinking that he has snookered you again, starts to walk away, but this time you stop him in his tracks and reply . . .

1. Can't do it, boss. I converted to Spanish Catholisism last night and my faith doesn't uphold taking another man's job away from him.
2. No, sir. I cannot do that for you because I found out last week that I have a severe case of "Boneicipilitis," in my legs and cannot walk more than 50 yards.
3. Sorry, boss. My old war wound is acting up. Care to see the scar on my upper buttocks where a Viet Cong grenade nearly cost me my butt.
4. Mr. Manager, I apologize for you not knowing that I am a member of a minority and just got off the phone with Rev. Jesse Jackson who asked me if my boss made me do illegal jobs. I said no.
5. Boss, I'd love to fill-in for Julio, but I do not want any trouble with his gang.
6. Hey, I saw Julio in the liquor section of the grocery store last night. He said he was an undercover Federal Labor Department investigator looking for area bosses who "trade-out" employees for no pay.
7. Okay, I will do that for you boss, but let me use my trash can first. (YOU VOMIT SO HARD THAT THE WINDOWS SHAKE). Then add, "must be that deadly European Virus going around."
8. My only sister just called and needs me to help her find "Cookies," her one and only cat. She is a single girl living all alone.
9. What if the I.R.S. sees me working in Julio's place? I might have to tell them the truth that you do this to me all of the time.
10. Are you, Mr. Shin Kicker, going to pay me out of your pocket?
11. Mr. Shin Kicker, speak up. Speak right into this pen in my shirt pocket.
12. Get "Charlie" to do it for you. He's the one always oogling your wife.
13. I gotta take this call. (ACT LIKE YOU ARE TALKING ON YOUR CELL PHONE) and suddenly burst out to running, "Boss, I can't help it. My doctor just called and he has my test results for me to look at.
14. Mr. Shin Kicker, am I to understand that you use mentally-challenged employees LIKE ME to do these jobs others won't do?
15. Mr. Bilko, the CEO, told me at dinner at his house last night that I didn't have to do jobs that were not in my job description. Call him if you like.
16. Sorry, boss, but this "condition," I have is getting worse.

AND PROBABLY "THE BEST" LINE FOR YOU TO USE IS THIS ONE:

"Sure, boss. I will be glad to tell people at the carwash that you and I are lovers."

Congratulation's. You are no longer a "flunkie," but a fine American worker. Don't you feel as if you have been reborn at just reading these 16 tips that freed you from that burdensome role as a "flunkie"?

You know. All of this typing has made me hungry. How about popping-out and bring me a bucket of fried chicken?

What do you mean "your church condemns eating fried poultry?"