The Slacker’s Bible: How to Get a Slacker Job

They say that as many as a third of young adults are still living at home. Well there comes a time, even for slackers that you need to move out your mommy’s basement. For an adult heterosexual male, that time is puberty, however late that might have been for you because it’s not cool to have to get your mommy’s permission to have a girl stay the night. Suppose for instance, mommy says “NO”.

And so the dedicated ne'er-do-well must needs venture out into the cold cruel world and to engage in that ignominious ritual called: Getting a job.

But all is not lost. All jobs are not equal. Some jobs require so little time and attention that they qualify as slacker jobs. An example might be the guy who watches the gas pumps at my local big box warehouse store. At this particular store you cannot use money to buy gas. You can only use the store credit card. So the main reason for having an attendant in the modern era is gone. We probably have an entire generation who has never seen a service station attendant pump their gas or wipe their windows. The main duty for this big box service station attendant is not to fall asleep standing up. Maybe a couple of times a day he has to help an old lady with her credit card. And maybe once every two weeks or so he may have to pretend that he knows where the big hose with space station looking clamps goes when the fuel delivery truck comes. So if you want to stay outside doing nothing and get paid of it, this could be the slacker job for you!

Another group of guys I have seen getting their money for nothing was a group of asphalt cowboys guarding the parking lot in a corporate campus setting not far from a sleepy suburb. It may be that if there were no coffee swilling gossipers driving around in Toyota trucks and flashing their lights for no apparent reason that thieves would break into cars and steal electronic equipment. But since thieves are not in evidence, there really was a whole lot of nothing going on for these dedicated slackers. Okay, okay so once per month some dude parked in another dude’s designated carport parking place. And it took several long minutes to ticket the car of the errant driver. Moreover, once every couple of years a tree fell over on a carport roof and produced excitement that could be milked for a whole month or maybe three! But mostly there is a whole lot of slacking going on.

It’s going to get controversial from here on in because nobody wants to admit their job is easy, or that they are not working that hard, or that they do a whole lot of nothing.

I know I am going to catch flack for this but in the modern era where most folks do their research online via Google or some other search engine or search service, librarians are not as necessary as they once were. Also, being a librarian is not like digging a ditch in the hot sun or being a wildcatter on an oilrig. Given the demands of the job waitresses and hotel maids work harder and have much more stressful jobs than librarians.

It depends on what you are inspecting or monitoring of course. If you are inspecting welds at a new nuclear power plant that could be a stressful job. But there are any number of jobs that require some sort of inspection that are not that hard. For instance, any inspection that does not involve other human beings is likely to not be that stressful. If you can tie that with being in a remote area in good weather then you have it made. For instance, if they have counting squirrel populations by the duck pond. A dedicated slacker needs to be very careful here. Don’t volunteer to count maggots in the sewer for instance. And if someone wants you to monitor rat populations at the city dump you should decline unless you can monitor them with a bb gun.

When it comes to strictly monitoring something, you should prefer inanimate objects that cannot be easily moved. Also, you want a situation in which no humans or animals are present. Also there should be no explosive or combustible materials involved. For instance, if someone wants you to monitor, watch or guard sand piles at the abandoned rock quarry that is difficult to get to, this has the makings of a slacker’s job. The sand ain’t going anywhere and nobody could get to the sand to steal it and who would want to steal it anyway.

Guards and night watchman are in a much more passive situation than monitors and inspectors. As a slacker, you rarely want the day shift on any job. Generally, at night there are fewer folks around to notice that you don’t do much and nobody can see you doing nothing anyway.

Again, you want to guard things that are so worthless nobody would steal them anyway or which are so heavy nobody could steal them. You want to be in a lightly trafficked location so that taggers spray painters and defacers find it much too much like hard work to mess with the stuff you are supposedly guarding. So avoid banks and jewelry stores because someone would want to steal that stuff. Heavy equipment in the middle of nowhere where the road to get to the equipment is largely impassible would be good. Take a good look at any prospective guarding job. If you can say to yourself: “Who in their right mind would steal this?” You are in the right place.

Sure if you ever have to go into a game you may be running for your life, but as a backup quarterback in the National Football league, you can get paid quite well for holding a clipboard.

I can’t vouch for this job but it comes up in surveys as an easy job. And if you can get the night shift, who checks his storage bin at night?

This could involve some work if they want you to cut the grass and stuff. Try to stick with the house sitting jobs that want you to pick up the newspapers and call the plumber if the place floods but nothing else. People say pet sitting is easy but I say anything that cannot take care of its own crap is not easy to take care of. This might make it seem that cat sitting is doable but I don’t want to sit on a cat. Besides, I’m allergic. True slackers are adept at saying things like “I have a bad back” and “I’m allergic.” After all, as a slacker, you are allergic to work, aren’t you?

I am sure that firemen in New York City are working hard all the time doing crazy stuff and working crazy hours.

I am also very, very certain that EMTs in any town no matter where in America are dealing with stuff that I don’t even want to know about.

But some fireman in federal jobs or in small towns have a lot of time to wash trucks, lift weights and even sleep with each other wives if certain news reports are correct.

If you are a fireman aboard an aircraft carrier then your job is far more hazardous than most of us care to imagine.

However, if you are a fireman at a federal installation that never moves I would be willing to bet that you have some free time on your hands.

The ease of this job depends on the setup. If they have machines or devices to take the money then you are doing almost nothing. You main job is to deter car break-ins by just being there. Never take a job like this in crime infested neighborhood. If possible, do this job in a suburb or in any setting where everyone is gainfully employed and there are no folks hanging out on the street. It might be best if there are no fast food places or convenience stores or malls nearby. What you want is a place that people have to already know about to get to. Criminals and the unemployed won’t know about it.

Supposedly, someone somewhere gets to test marijuana, wine, deodorant, chocolate, etc. Where and how one gets such a job I have no idea. I am thinking that much smarter slackers than you already have them.

I remember some years back a congressman saying that he never read any of the legislation he voted on. All that and these world class slackers demand retirement pay as well. These are the guys who have us trillions of dollars in debt. They would imprison you for mismanaging money this badly on your job.

You will want to be the right kind of consultant of course. You want to be one of those folks with the easiest jobs. Not the hardest. The biggest pitfall in consulting is this: You must resist the temptation to consult in a field for which you are not qualified. That’s government’s job and they hate competition! Your biggest clue is: The consulting you do must not require any accreditation or college degrees. Be something like a “life coach” who tells people: “Your life will stink until you give me money!” You can say to businesses: “Your business will stink until you give me money!” It seems to work for some people. Didn’t the Obama administration have one million dollar consultant whose major piece of news was his opinion that the American people were stupid? Hey, it worked for him. Why not you?

We are paying that dude to grope women, say really stupid things and attend funerals.