Things You Can Do To Be a Radically-Successful Pig Farmer

Let me ask you a very troubling question. "Have you ever thought of what our world would be without pigs and pig farmers?" I have. And the answer scares me into a cold sweat. There would be millions of breakfast plates without the tasty slices of bacon, sausage, and country cured ham. That's the answer that if true, would cause financial and business devastation from the United States to China and all the way to Cuba and other parts of our world.

There would be no companies such as: Jimmy Dean, Tennessee Pride, Williams, or other sausage corporations that employ numbers in the millions in world-wide scope. I would be the one who was crying the most, for I grew up on sausage, bacon, and ham.

I know. There are a lot of people on both sides of this caloric-tradition of eating pork. Some televangelists teach against it while other people who know the same God say if God made it, you can have it. On this issue I think God expects us as individuals to use what common sense He gave us.

Oh, I almost forgot. Without pigs and pig farmers, iconic-actor, Sam Elliott would not be saying, "Pork: It's what's for dinner," on our television sets at night. But with the undaunted spirit of ingenuity we Americans possess, someone would give him another meat to talk about. It wouldn't be the same with Elliott saying, "Ribs. It's the other white meat." Right?

I am the "first one on the bus" to admit that pigs are not particularly good-looking. I know there are more less-pleasing animals to see, but you cannot eat them. Have you ever swallowed a bite of a Duck billed Platypus?

And to be truthful, it's not an animal's looks that fill my belly. It's the meat on its back. If it's clean, good for my body, fulfills my craving for food and does not cause me to bend-over with stomach sickness, I will have a plate or two for supper.

Hog farming is a lucrative business. If done right. And right now you might be tempted to quit your nine to five office job with two weeks paid vacation a year and a stock option plan to raise pigs because the job you have now is honestly, a dead-end job and you aren't going to receive any raises due to the shaky economy. So why not be a pig farmer? it is work. Do not be beguiled. But it's the work that you can feel good about for you know that there is lots of "long green" when the pigs get ready to sell.

Bonus Information:

Cute Names for Pet Pigs:

• Pete
• Meat Skin
• Squealer
• Dan
• Tom
• Warrior

Since I am in a generous mood, I am going to help you with some free advice on raising pigs. My way. Because the established pig farmers are complacent with the millions the have, so they don't work as hard as you will because here are

Things You Can Do To Be a Radically-Successful Pig Farmer

To be a pig farming success that people will talk about, you have to know pigs forward and backward. Their likes and dislikes.

Here Are Things That Pigs Like:

• Fresh, wet mud preferably made from black dirt. Pigs do not trust red mud for some reason.
• Plenty of corn, on the cob or hard-shelled, so keep a good supply of this "pig food favorite."
• Watermelon, cantaloupe, and hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs. Pigs are very discerning when food is involved.
• Plenty of room to lay around and roll in. If I were a pig I would like plenty of space.

Here Are Things That Pigs Dislike:

• People walking up to their sty and asking dumb questions such as: "You like it in there?"
• Rocks that cheap farmers try to fool them into thinking are good pig food.
• Disturbing music of any style. So do not set your "boom box" blasting Jay Z near their sty.
• Curious dogs that love to get a chase from the innocent hogs.

And to get a head-start on the pig farmers located near your farm, you need some clever and effective ways to advertise your new pig farming venture. Things such as:

• Buy a full-page ad in your local paper and you dressed in a pig suit standing near a live pig. The bold headline should read . . ."Which One is The Pig?" Then in brief terms, tell where your farm is located and how your pigs are the best in town.

I am sure you will want to sell your pork to those meat packing companies who are under contract with Jimmy Dean and Tennessee Pride Sausage, but for now, sell your pigs to local people near fall of the year so the can get them prepared for meat in the upcoming winter.

• Walk up and down the highway that runs in front of your pig farm wearing a sandwich sign, one of the earliest forms of advertising, and have each side read . . ."Pigs Are Good For You," on the front and "Especially Mine!" on the back. Do this six days a week and chant, "Pigs! Pigs! Got great pigs! Cheap! Cheap! Good meat but cheap" as you walk. This gets the public's attention and attention means sales.
• Invest in a moderate-size radio advertising package, but go with the station who covers more of the "pig buying market," and do your "spots" with you as a talking pig. Unique and rare gimmicks are what good advertising is all about.
• Invest your own money in a local beauty pageant and give cash to the wining girl. Call the pageant, "Miss Ham, U.S.A. Pageant," and let the winner lead the pageant mascot, "Pedro, The Panama Pig," onto the stage in her winning walk. This will get the word out that you are a serious pork producer.
• People love music festivals, so each summer have the area's biggest music festival with stars such as: Jimmy Buffet, who for that concert, will call his fans, "Pig Heads," not "Parrot Heads," Beyonce; Luke Bryan and more. Let the public know that your pig farming industry is the sole promoter of this show.
• Another fun venture for you to promote your pig farm is have an annual "Pig Carnival," with pig races with your pigs running against pigs from other farms, the crowd-favorite, a Greased Pig Contest and a Greased Human Contest as well as pork-related concessions for sale. And Jimmy Buffet as the star performer all day long.

You better hurry. Other would-be pig farmers are reading this.