Awesome Ways to Avoid People

Sometimes, you just want to be left alone. Sometimes, you just don't want to listen to Bill from Accounting's hilarious joke about the rabbit and the mailbox. Sometimes, you don't want to listen to your next door neighbor Bernedette going on about Fluffy's most recent cat-bulimia psychotherapy session. Sometimes, you don't even feel like waving or acknowledging another human being.

But how do you avoid looking like a total jerk?

Trust me, young grasshopper. There are ways. I will now introduce to you several means by which you can avoid people in a professional, classy, and downright cool manner. After consulting this helpful guide and honing your avoidance skills, you'll never have to suffer unwanted social interaction again.

Hands down, this is one of the best ways to avoid people.

I have outlined this tactic in greater detail in a separate guide, however the gist is this: you must dress or style yourself in a very distinctive manner on a consistent basis so that when you do not assume your getup, nobody will recognize you.

This tactic relies on general human laziness, for most people tend to rely on very superficial characteristics to recognize their acquaintances, and will therefore not notice friends and neighbors when they lack a distinctive hairstyle or outfit.

I must admit, I have utilized this tactic more than once, and chances are you have too. Don't feel bad about it. All the cool kids do it (Exhibit A: Ferris Bueller).

The key to using this tactic in a respectable manner is creativity. Add a little drama to your performance. Delve into your inner actor and work up some flare that'll really wow those you seek to avoid. Make them not only leave you alone, but want to stay away.

You may make your sickness more convincing by:

• Rubbing your face hard with a wet washcloth before presenting yourself
• Sharing an origins story along the lines of "I should have seen this coming... it all started when that homeless woman spat in my eye."
• Eating something exceedingly spicy before speaking in person or on the phone with Those to Be Avoided
• Running to your rendezvous point when meeting with Those to Be Avoided
• Icing your hands before making physical contact with Those to Be Avoided

Believe it or not, dressing in an odd manner is an excellent way to make others avoid you. Wearing a cape, for example, is tantamount to actually soaking yourself in human repellant.

I make a habit of wearing somewhat "different" outfits. Some are more flamboyant. I have found that the more costume-like my outfits become (e.g. requiring petticoats, strange headpieces, very, very bright colors), the less likely I am to be approached by others, or to have friends walk with me from one place to another.

I don't know if people avoid the oddly-dressed because being seen with them is embarrassing or because the oddly-dressed are somehow more intimidating/disgusting/strange. All I know is that it works. So if you want people to avoid you (and therefore

Just as ninja have been known to create small, controlled, smokey explosions to make a quick getaway, you can employ the art of distraction to avoid those with whom you do not wish to converse.

Simply think of a good distraction and deploy it before you have been hooked into a conversation. Ideally, this distraction will be utilized before complete eye contact has been made. At the very least, one should distract one's opponent before greetings are exchanged.

To distract one long enough to make a quick getaway, one can:

• Adopt an alarmed expression while looking behind one's opponent
• Covertly drop some change to the side to make one's opponent turn his or her head
• Wave to a (nonexistent) person behind one's opponent
• Point to a (probably nonexistent) thing behind one's opponent

While the offending person has a turned head, swift evasive tactics must be employed. Distraction is useless if you do not move quickly.

Of course, if these preventative measures fail, you could always carry a small smoke bomb with you and pull the ninja escape thing from time to time. Even if it doesn't work, it'll be hilarious!

I wish you the best of luck in your avoidance of others. I sure know how it feels to want to be left alone, so my heart goes out to everyone who is unfairly detained by chatty neighbors, forward strangers, and insensitive friends, family, and coworkers.

If you have a tactic that works particularly well for you, share it in the comments below! You'll be contributing to the betterment of society. Believe me.