Ways to Sabotage Your Own Job Interview
Hey, people who hate to work
When was the last time you applied for a job? This was a tough ride, huh? And that filling-out of the endless pages of your job application with seemingly-pointless questions about "your" background profile that included criminal history, grades in high school and college and this one, "where you see yourself in five years?"
You almost had a cardiac-arrest when the person whom interviewed you instantly reminded you of a Nazi storm trooper in a three-piece suit, but you respected her and kept focused on being hired by her company.
Now, when you tell your buddies in your favorite bar how the sweat rolled off of your head during the job interview, you tell the story with "you," controlling "Von Helga," the "Employment Empress," and broke her will into hiring you for a sales position in the Tire and Lube Division of her store.
But listen, my friend, you do not, or may never know just how close you came to "not" getting this average-paying job. There were many who wanted the job and were sitting patiently in the lobby awaiting their turn to be screened for the job. I think it was two things that "turned the trick," and got you hired: One, that freshly-cleaned leisure suit you chose to wear to the interview, and two, that fifty-bucks you slipped "Von Helga," to put your application on the top.
With all things being equal, something you did worked. Now you are no longer a statistic in the ranks of the "unemployed," but a proud member of America's workforce. Isn't it great to be an American?
Now, and this isn't to "you," "Mr. Newly-Employed Guy," but to those slackers, guys who stay-up all night playing Grand Theft Auto and sleeping until noon the next day, yeah, those guys who think "work" is a tool of satan, here are "Ways to Sabotage Your Own Job Interview," when you "do" get a job interview, to stay happily-unemployed and living a care-free life.
(story continued below photo below)
These girls are really smart
WARDROBE TO WEAR TO IRRITATE THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU FOR A JOB
Sandals and do NOT use foot spray before you show-up for the interview.
Sunglasses, and do not remove them at any time.
Cut-off denim shorts.
Tee-shirt with this message: "I'm For Carl Marx."
Lots of beads around your neck.
THINGS FOR YOU TO SAY TO GET YOU SENT BACK HOME FROM THE JOB INTERVIEW
"Say, do I get a hefty signing bonus when you hire me?
"Yeah, I don't believe in being punctual, for it's of the devil."
"Where's the snacks I was promised?"
"Is that suit off-the-rack?"
"Application? I don't do the application thing."
"What time is break and how long do I get for lunch?"
THINGS FOR YOU TO DO THAT WILL INSURE THAT THE JOB INTERVIEW WON'T LAST LONGER THAN FIVE MINUTES
Show-up gabbing on your cell phone. And don't stop.
Be shaving with a razor and shaving cream as you walk into the office to be interviewed for a job.
Be listening to an iPOD and make faces at the interviewer.
Sling your feet on his or her desk and cross your arms and say, "what???"
Walk into interview eating a hero sandwich and have mayonnaise on your face.
Eat an onion before you leave home to be interviewed.
"IF" YOUR JOB INTERVIEW DOES LAST MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES, AND THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU ASKS, "YOU GOT ANY QUESTIONS?" YOU ASK
"When do I get a good raise?"
"You got any hot daughters that I can date?"
"Do you frown on drinking beer on the job?"
"Do you mind if my surfing buddies hang-out here while I work?"
"Do you mind if I have myself a nap around 9:30 a.m. and 1:30 p.m.?"
"Mind if I smoke cigarettes on the job?"
AND FINALLY, IF THE PERSON INTERVIEWING YOU FOR A JOB ASKS YOU "THAT" QUESTION ALL JOB INTERVIEWERS ASK, "WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?" REPLY
"Not here if the work is tough."
"Being promoted to manager in six weeks."
"Enjoying the stock options that you are going to give me when I am hired."
"Plant manager, where else?"
"On long vacations for I hate to burn-out at jobs, don't you?"
"Writing stories for Hubpages."
Hold it a minute! How did that last item, "writing for HubPages" get in here?
Hey, "Mr. Happy-to-be-Unemployed," disregard this one, for it MIGHT get you hired when the interview is over.
Hey, "Miss Soap Opera Watching Queen,"
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A serious note to all good employees: BEWARE of the "Brown Noser." Oh, you do not know how to spot a "Brown Noser?" You had best start reading this truthful expose about these sneaks.
BEWARE: of certain employees that lurk in your workplace. These particular employees are not to be trusted. They are only out for themselves.
To Emmett Kelly.