How to Behave in a Public Pool
So it’s 80 degrees outside and you’re ready to throw yourself into the East River if it means you’ll be cool afterwards. You give it a think and realize you won’t get much swimming done, what with all that trash getting in the way, so you opt to head for the local YMCA.
Hey, it’s cheap, and it’s a lot cleaner, so I don’t blame you.
I would, however, ask that you adhere to a few simple rules. Nothing big, don’t worry – just the basics. I’d like to think they come naturally, but, well, that’s just not always the case.
Let’s start with the most infamous.
No Pottying, Please
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Having a good ol’ time in the deep end, when our bladder decides it’s time for a break. If you’re a five year old, I might excuse a wayward tinkle. If you’re over the age of 15, get your fanny out of the pool and use the toilet. And don’t think those of us swimming next to you won’t notice. And don’t think it’s ok because there’s plenty of chlorine, either. It’s not ok!
No Cherry Bombs In the Shallow End
You know what these are, right? This is when some punk little boy – be he 12 or 42 – takes a running leap, wraps his arms around his legs, and does his best to drench everyone outside of the pool. This is particularly annoying if you’re wearing a lovely bathing suit purely for show, with no intention of swimming. I’m there to pick up men, kid, I don’t need you testing my waterproof mascara.
No Hogging the Diving Board
We’ve all been thoroughly impressed with your swan dive – now stay in the pool and give someone else a turn! Actually, to be honest, I was this kid, back when I actually liked swimming. So I know what I’m talking about, lol.
No Unaccompanied Screaming Mimis!
This applies to all kids, really. Ok, maybe not the ones who hug the wall the entire time – those are alright. But the ones with the little bubbles on their little arms, screaming and paddling and kicking their little feet in your face as they go by? Don’t turn those loose on the pool and then gossip with another soccer mom for an hour. Ok? Thanks.
No Skinny Dipping
Look, I don’t want to sound like a prude, but, well, I don’t want to see your junk. Nor do I want to see your breasts bobbing in the baby pool. They actually have private pool clubs where you can be natural and freaky, so if you really have a need for this kind of thing, visit one of those instead.
Alright, that’s the five. Jot them down and refer to them the next time you’re about to visit the Y – everyone else will be glad you did!
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