Fractured Fairy Tales - Once Upon a Time in the Stadium
Warning: Here be bad puns
if you don't like horribly bad puns, run away now.
Otherwise, hang on tight and let me know if you get it.
Once upon a time in a land far away there was a baseball league. Neighboring towns formed teams to compete on the weekends when the dragons were away on holiday. Ordinary citizens joined the teams, taking time from their real jobs to play simply for the love of the game. Most of the players were amateurs, but once in a while a town would pool their resources to hire a 'ringer'; a professional player who increased their chances of winning the coveted weekend tournaments.
One pleasant town, Pleasantville, enjoyed a particularly plentiful harvest of plums. The citizens scraped together sufficient funds to bring in a stud power hitter, Studs McHitter. As the big game with rival Shelbyville approached they became giddy with baseball fever. With their newly acquired athlete they believed they were invincible.
Shelbyville boasted a terrific young pitcher, Harry McHurler, who threw hard but tended to lose control of his temper. Throughout the game he mowed down the Pleasantville batters while mercilessly teasing them. He was particularly hard on kindly Zachary Smith, the weak-hitting town doctor. Each time Doc Smith came to the plate McHurler insulted his manhood, threw at his head, then struck him out with ease. Shelbyville fans loved the show. Pleasantville players were not amused. Studs McHitter boiled.
As the narrative would have it, the game was tied in the bottom of the ninth. Studs McHitter faced Harry McHurler with two outs and the game on the line. McHitter ignored the endless stream of insults from the pitcher's mound. He focused on the ball, only the ball. With a 3-2 count, he crushed a fast ball over the left field dragon for a game winning home run. Pleasantville lived happily ever after. Harry McHurler was given his unconditional release by Shelbyville and never pitched again.
The moral of the story: If you're going to talk to the doc, you'd better walk the jock.
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