How Is the Perfectionist Personality Formed?

Perfectionism and the Gifted Child

Do you know a prodigy? Do you know someone who was considered to be the most brilliant student in your class/school? Someone who excelled at all sports; required little or no effort to be the star of the football, basketball, and soccer teams. Someone who played almost all musical instruments, won all academic contests, such as Spelling Bee, chess, writing, debating, Science and Math contests. Someone who all the girls dreamt of dating? That person was valedictorian and graduated top of the class. All the teachers idolized him. They told you to be more like him. He could do no wrong. He was well known in the community as the smart kid, excelling at everything he did. He sang on the school and church choirs; leading the choir as the main vocalist while playing the piano, the drums and the bass guitar choir ( not at the same time). He was a leader and made sure everyone understood who was in charge. He was self assured and some of your friends called him arrogant. Everyone catered to him; telling him and others how great he was. Even your parents kept asking why you can't be like him.

Fast forward thirty years and you meet him again. He's in his mid forties and your best friend told you that he is out of work for the fifth time in a year; he is still single and is living in his parents' basement.

You are asking yourself, what happened to this person? You thought that perhaps he would be the CEO of a major cooperation or even the leader of a country. You thought that he would be married with the perfect wife because he was so popular in high school. You thought that he would be leading an affluent lifestyle, garnering respect from everyone and amassing tremendous wealth.

Then one day as you are returning home from work you ran into him at the nearby grocery. He looks very well dressed in a designer suit and carries an expensive briefcase. He looks very well dressed and appears successful. You decide that since you hadn't seen him since you both left high school, that you'd say hello to him, even though you were rushing home to make dinner. After the initial greetings and preliminary exchanges to catch up, after many years of not seeing each other, he starts to criticize your lifestyle. He tells you why you shouldn't be working for your employee. He looks at your three and five year old children sleeping in the back seat and comments.

"No child of mine will go to daycare. His mother will have to stay at home and take care of him. It is not fair to the children. Look how tired they look. Your husband doesn't make enough money for you to stay home with them?"

While you try not to reveal your shock and disgust, you gradually start to understand some of the reasons for his underachievement. You feel disappointed with yourself for deciding to speak to this person, but you do not want to drive off and leave him in your dust. It would not be polite. So you continue to listen to him while he devalues your lifestyle. You listen as he reopens the wounds of your guilt about leaving your children all day in the care of others; you listen as he pours vinegar on the wounds of your guilt. Then in order to take the focus off your life and your guilt, you ask him,

"So what are you doing these days?"

He begins to berate you with why the system does not work for him or why the "system" is out to get him. That he is out of a job because his 'stupid' manager felt threatened by him and got rid of him. He whines how he was more qualified than the manager who knows nothing about programming.

"So you are a programmer?" you ask, as you think of a way to excuse yourself.

"Yes I am a programmer, but that idiot manager wanted to send me to a course and I refused. I know everything about programming. I taught myself everything. What are they going to teach me? I don't want to waste my time." he says with contempt.

"So you have developed processes and systems using your programming background?" you ask thinking that perhaps he's making a livelihood from his knowledge of technologies.

"No. I know my stuff and I help people do all kinds of stuff. I don't need to develop anything. There are lots of processes out there already. If I am not writing the best software, I'm not about to do some mediocre program." he says looking pleased with himself.

"Even Bill Gates had to start at the bottom and worked himself upward." you remind him.

"Bill Gates is a fraud. He doesn't know about programming. He's a college drop out." he says with disdain.

"Well, he's one of the richest college drop-out that the world has seen." you retort with irritation in your voice.

"Money is the root of all evil." He replies. "People sell their souls and their children for money." he says looking at the back seat of your car.

That was your cue to leave. You have had it with this person's insult and will take no more.

"It was nice seeing you. I have to go the kids are tired. Take care of yourself." You tell him and drive away quickly. You feel disappointment and pity for the man he has become.

If you think that you know this person, you probably do. He was the gifted child in your fifth grade. As a child, he was always praised by his parents, teachers, his peers and everyone with whom he interacted. He never understood how to deal with failure. Debra Troxclair,Dept of Teacher Education at Southeastern Louisiana University in Hammand, Louisiana points to the book, Growing Up Gifted, by Barbara Clark who argues that while still young and moving through the three developmental stages, that many perfectionists experienced situations that led them to feel inadequate and unsuccessful despite their abilities. Therefore, they developed self-images that allowed for nothing less than perfection. In order to feel worthiness, whatever they produced needed to be beyond criticism. When they encountered criticism, they tend to become defensive or even give up.

Whitmore (1980) reported that perfectionist tendencies make some gifted students vulnerable for underachievement because they do not submit work unless it is perfect. As adults, perfectionists usually appear to be very competent and confident individuals. They are often envied by others because they seem to "have it all together." Perfectionists can have trouble making decisions. They are so worried about making the wrong one that they fail to reach any conclusion. Along with indecision, perfectionists are sometimes plagued by great difficulty in taking risks, particularly if their personal reputations are on the line. Since they never had to deal with failure during their early development, they have not learned how to handle the slightest of setback. They may become isolated as no-one is able to meet their high standard and expectations. It is argued that they may have had parents who were very critical of them as children.

Parents of gifted children must use praise and encouragement appropriately to foster high achievers and not perfectionists. Parents strive to build healthy self esteem in their children, but need to be aware that praises and encouragement must be balanced; too much praise can be just as negative as no praise at all. Debra Troxclair suggests that parents should teach their child that it’s okay to make mistakes, especially when they are learning something new. She also suggest to teach your child by using their mistakes as opportunities for lessons to improve their abilities rather than regret. Debra also suggest that parents model healthy behaviours and talk about perfectionism with your children.

The perfectionist personality can be formed during the early stages of development. Gifted children are more likely to become perfectionists because of the reactions of parents, teachers and peers to their achievements. Children can link their self worth to the recognition that they receive for their talents and abilities. If left unchecked or nurtured, these children can grow up to be underachievers as they have not learned how to handle challenges, failures or criticism. They may also shy away from taking risks.

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Comments 12 comments

Haunty profile image

Haunty 6 years ago from Hungary

I knew a very unpleasant person like this. I often wondered what might have happened to him. It seems every approach has its dangers if taken to the extreme. I'm beginning to think that the hardest of all tasks is becoming a good parent.

I'm wondering about the other end of the spectrum - about the kids that can never live up to their parents' expectations.

Great insight, D. Thanks for sharing. :)


JannyC profile image

JannyC 6 years ago

Excellent hub very good points. Think this happened in my own family with my brother. He is a very cold soul now just like the person you wrote about.


Jane@CM profile image

Jane@CM 6 years ago

I read Growing Up Gifted. My daughter is/was gifted. She is a perfectionist. She never really failed at anything until this year and it was a good wake up call for her. We always told her she could and would make mistakes and that life was not about being perfect. She wasn't the type of person you describe in the early part of your article, many of the kids who are Gifted now, in academics & sports are still shunned, especially if you are a girl. My son hides the fact he is gifted so he doesn't get teased. He gets straight "A"s without studying and excels in sports, but he acts "stupid" just so he is never treated like his sister was - teachers pet, etc. Okay, this reply is now a novel! Great article, sorry such a long reply.


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Haunty, thanks for stopping by and for your very insightful comments. I agree, parenting is the most challenging role that most of us will do. It is so easy to 'mess up' another person's life - and like we all know, one fit theories don't always work as what may work for one child may not work for another.

Thanks for your input about critical parents; this can definitely create underachiever personalities, because they feeling that they cannot live up to their expectations, so why even try.

I agree,extreme of any behaviour can be detrimental. That is why balance in all things is important.

Thanks for your insights.


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

JannyC, thanks for your comments. As parents we try our best to raise well adjusted children, but we can only do what we know. Your brother has some great qualities even if you do not like them all. Even the perfectionist has redeeming qualities. It is too bad that we spend our lives looking at the negative rather than the positive; we'd be so much more content and happy.

Thanks for stopping by and have a great day.


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Jane@CM, I like your comments, they are valuable contriution to shed some insights about gifted children. I didn't realize it then, but I was considered a gifted child. I found my school assignments very easy and didn't study a whole lot. I hated grade 4 because my teacher expected too much of me and as a result I got many flogging from her. She thought that I wasn't taking my work seriously and would beat me whenever I got some simple things wrong. I internalized that and therefore had a hard time speaking up in class after that. I felt that I would let someone down if I didn't get the answer right. How silly! You son is using comedy to divert attention away from his ability, much the same way that I used my 'withdrawn child'. Teacher should become more aware of how children, gifted or not are impacted by their reactions to them.

You are right, girls have a more difficult time as gifted children, perhaps because they are more influenced by peer pressure or because they are socialized to be more modest?????

I am sorry that your daughter had to face disappointment face on, but it will build character. After 40 years, I'm still learning that myself.

Thanks for your great comments. I appreciate it.


Lita C. Malicdem profile image

Lita C. Malicdem 6 years ago from Philippines

DynamicS,

I was a teacher and I'd seen many of your examples of gifted children who failed in later years. I call them underachieving high performers.It somehow has to do with the attitude-overconfidence and yes, the person-perfectionist.

And I call you the reverse- high performing underachiever. You know what I mean. Congratulations!


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

Lita C Malicdem, thanks for stopping by and for your comment. I appreciate your validation. Gifted children need just as much attention as the slow learner, it would appears. They need to understand from early how to handle their giftedness so that they can fully utilize their talents and gifts to the maximum later on in life.

I don't make it a habit to label myself, but I appreciate what you are saying.

Thanks for your insight.


christalluna1124 profile image

christalluna1124 6 years ago from Dallas Texas

Great hub. I know several persons like that. My son is eight and considered a high achiever but I do not cater to his whims. I do not want to grow a soul that is made of ice. warmest regards, chris


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

christalluna1124, thanks for your comment. As perents it sometimes can get really difficult knowing how to balance building a healthy self esteem and raising self-centred children. It sounds like you have found that balance. Thanks for your input. Have a great day.


vidhimayur profile image

vidhimayur 5 years ago

Hey, very useful hub. It is growing years of a child that lays foundation for his future. :)


DynamicS profile image

DynamicS 5 years ago from Toronto, Canada Author

vidhimayur, thanks for your visit and for your comment. Indeed our early socialization is very crucial to our development as humans. We however need to question some of the values that we were taught as kids. Why we should accept that we are imperfectly perfect; and that its ok to be the way we are. We must challenge old habit of looking to others for validation/approval. We are what we are...

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