How to Annoy Everyone At the Library

Let's say, hypothetically, that you are the kind of person who is indifferent to the concerns of your fellow man, or even aggressively against other people. Let's say you actively enjoy pushing your whims and wills upon others as a symbol of personal strength. Clearly, you are the kind of person who wants to be an annoying person. You want to go right out in public and live your life in such a manner that other people are annoyed, and even mildly disgusted by you. Let's say you are going to the library, and you want to find every way possible to bother the people around you in the library.

I have discovered your role model. I am in the library, searching for a book, and I have stopped to share this amazing discovery with others, that everyone will know exactly how to be very annoying at the library.

1) Eat food: the louder the better. I know you aren't supposed to be eating food in the library. It's clearly posted everywhere that food and drinks are not allowed in the library. Ignore this rule. In a quiet library, everyone can hear you eating. This is important. Make sure that whatever you are eating is something that people could hear you eating.

2) Make people move to make room for you. Wherever you go in the library, and whatever you do, make sure you have to casually force other people in the library to get out of your way. The library could be nearly empty. It doesn't matter. Find out where all the people are in the library, and try to plan your activities right around them. If someone is studying, for instance, sit right next to them even though there are plenty of seats all around you. In this way, you can be sure to eat right in front of them. Also, make sure that every time you stand up you have to climb through people to get at the books you seem to be not looking at. It is as if you are accumulating books on the table just to make people get out of your way.

3) Keep your cellphone on: Whatever you are doing, be sure your cellphone remains on. Even if you momentarily silence it when the librarian seems about to come over to ask you to step outside, be sure to turn the cellphone back on, at its loudest volume, as soon as the librarian walks past you. Watch out when you do this, because librarians might notice all your food. Be sure they don't see your food by hiding it in your computer bag.

4) Headphones are a great excuse for unpleasant activity: Speaking of computers, why don't you put headphones on. That way, when you listen to things on the free WiFi, you can pretend like others can't hear it. Even though, at this volume, people can hear it. And, with volume like this, it gives you an excuse to talk loudly to yourself when you agree with something on your computer. I mean, you can't hear how loud you are talking to yourself, what with those headphones on, right? Headphones are a great way to expand the annoyance you are sharing with others, so you can be sure to be as annoying as possible in the library.

5) Ignore Your Children: This is purely optional, but if you have children, be sure to ignore them. Let them run amok and work out all their pent up energy in the library, while you stare vacantly into your cellphone and eat and drink the afternoon away, with squishy and crunchy foods that leave crumbs everywhere on the public library table.

At this point, you are quite possibly the most annoying human being you can be in a public place without actually being asked to leave the building. In this, you have succeeded at annoying everyone around you. Go you!

Don't be annoying. Follow the rules of etiquette in a shared space to prevent from annoying everyone. Some people come here to study, look for work, escape the hectic honking and traffic of the street, and find sanctuary in books. Please, respect your fellow patrons by...

1) Not eating or drinking in the library. Food is against the rules for a reason. It's distracting, messy, and a nuisance in the library setting, while simply stepping outside for a few minutes to some of the benches outside is sufficient to find a nice place to eat your snack.

2) Being respectful of the space and needs of other guests. Don't invade other people's personal space. If someone is browsing where you would like to browse, just give them a moment, or politely say "Excuse Me" instead of pushing your way through to whatever you are seaking.

3) Clean up after yourself. When you are done with a book, put it away! Most libraries have a special bin where they ask for all books taken off the shelves, so that a librarian can ascertain that the books are put back in the right place. Leaving piles of books around is just annoying, and doesn't help anyone find the books they might be looking for.

4) Be respectful of the volume. Don't listen to loud music in the library, and if you happen to be the sort of person who makes a lot of noise to themself while working, don't use headphones at all to be sure you aren't bothering your fellow patrons with "Amen" and "No she didn't!" and "Huh."

5) Take children to the park to play, not to the library. The library can be a fun, safe place for children to appreciate stories and books and the world of the mind. It is not a jungle gym, or a race course. It is a space where people are often trying to work. Would you want your children tearing around the house while you are trying to study? If the library is open, the park is also open. Go to the park. Wear out those children before coming to the library.

Don't be annoying. People will write about you.

(Okay... The person who inspired this post is dancing in their chair to their headphone music, now... Yeah, don't dance in the library, either. I'm trying to study!)