SPIDER LADY...by b. Malin

SPIDER TALK...

Before I begin this story, you need to be aware of my "Phobias"...

1) Beetles & Spiders

When I was about four and my Sister seven, she formed a "Beetle Sucking Club". I know, I know it was a Disgusting Idea. Anyway, in order to become a Member you had to LICK a Beetle. That's right, but I couldn't do it, much less hold one. Was she sympathetic? Hell NO! And Sister or no Sister, the Rules were the Rules, and so I was excluded and not allowed to join.

Now when I was seven and she was ten, we shared a room with twin beds. Well every night after I told HER a BEDTIME story. She would say, "now look under both beds for the Boogeyman and Spiders". I dutifully did so, Good little Sister that I was. And believe it or not, I was not afraid of finding either one...and I never did!

2)Lightning Bugs

I'm sorry but I have to admit that I was Petrified of LIGHTNING BUGS. But this I kept to myself. It was hard,especially when all the other kids were catching them and putting them in glass jars. The whole idea just Creeped Me Out!

3)Roaches...of ANY KIND

When My First Born was about six months old, my Aunt and Uncle came to visit. As they were leaving and I was closing the apartment door, I looked up at the ceiling and there was the most Enormous Cockroach I had ever seen. It looked like it could have done bodily harm if you try to kill it. I SCREAMED, Called the Super of the building who killed it...And we moved shortly there after...Problem Solved.

Now I am a Real Grown up...So here's my latest Encounter...

I am out on the front porch watering "The Fern Sisters" when I look up to see a small size Spider, who also seems to be studying me. I find myself staring back, actually we are "Eyeballing" one another. I notice she has spun a Web on the porch post. To be polite, I say, "Hi". She clears her throat and answers "Right back at yah sister"! "Oh, I reply a bit surprised, how Nice, and I see you have a Neighbor", I say pointing to the other side of the post. "Mmm, so I do, she sighs, so I do". "Well, see you, I say, I water the Ferns twice a day." "Not if I see you First" she laughs. I smile and go in the house.

That evening I am once again watering the Ferns. I look up to see that her web has gotten a little larger and so has she. "Good evening" I say. She replies "Right back at yah...and don't worry, I'll be putting my Web away in the morning". "Oh that's all right", I say. Though I have to admit that I am secretly pleased. As if she can read my thoughts she says, "It looks Messy to see Cobwebs by daylight". "Hey, I say, What happened to your Neighbor, your friend? Doesn't look like she's there anymore." "No HE'S NOT, I KILLED HIM, and then, I ATE HIM" she replied smugly. "OMG, I say raising my voice, that not very neighborly of you". "Who says I wanted to be neighborly? I was only thinking of you b. Malin". "Now you're really Freaking Me out" I reply. "I didn't ask you to get RID of him...and how do you know my Pen name'? "Oh come on now I'm not Stupid, she said, I saw the look on your face when we met this morning and you saw my Web". "Well, I sighed that probably was true then, but when I told Lover Man about you, he thought it was a good natural way to keep the bugs and mosquitoes at bay...But you still haven't told me how you knew my Pen name". "Oh that, she replied, The Fern Sisters told me". "Oh", I signed staring at them.

"Hey, I said sweetly, did you happen to notice there is a Spider starting to weave a web near the front door'? "I did" she replied softly. We eyeballed each other silently for a moment. "Well I said softly, see you tomorrow". "Yes she replied see yah tomorrow". As I turned and walked to the front door I could feel her eyeing the new web.


Comments 26 comments

A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

I HATE ROACHES. When I had to sleep in my Grandmas house, I used to hear scratching/shuffling noise at night. She had a plywood wall, and the noise was coming from huge roaches crawling on it at night. It was the hairs on their appendages that made the noise. The scratching noise. The hairy legged monster roach crawling on the plywood wall noise.

Why are you arguing with insects? You know your the alpha right? Even if you were beta or gamma you can still run the spider off. Just wanting to empower you.


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, I love this story! lol it totally creeped me out! imagine having a conversation with a spider, knowing that they are going to hang a web right by your front door so that they can get you in the morning! urgh!! great stuff, cheers nell


BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

I always grab the vacuum and search for webs in the corner. vietnamvet68 laughs at my phobia,but they creep me out. Great hub.


Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Loved this hub, especially the preface about your sister's "beetle sucking club." That's one club I definitely would've stayed away from.

I laughed when you called the super about the enormous cockroach and promptly moved out of there. But from A.A.'s description of a hoard of hairy legged monster roaches scratching on the walls all night it sounds like you were wise to evacuate.

Thanks for sharing this clever tale about your latest encounter with spiders.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

And Empower Me you did A.A. tomorrow I get the Broom out and show her who's Boss. See, Roaches even Creep you out! Thanks for stopping by and all your advise.

Yes, but don't forget Neil, my Spider was going to get the one by the door too...So then in the end, I'd get this one as I told A.A. I would! So Glad you Enjoyed.

I know Bobbi, we try to be so brave, but in the end the Vacuum is our true Hero! Thanks for Enjoying and thinking this Hub Great. Makes my day!

My sister was truly a "trip" back then...Never a Dull moment. With a small child, it was the only decision...EVACUATION! Thanks for thinking this one a Clever Tale, Happyboomernurse.


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Let me put it to you this way. Two weeks ago I walked into my downstairs powder room and saw a spider that looked as big as a Buick (thank you Woody Allen). I ran to get this bug vacuum that I have but was too chicken to go back in. I closed the door and waited for my husband to come home. He went into the powder room and the spider was gone. I haven't gone in to that room since!


Movie Master profile image

Movie Master 5 years ago from United Kingdom

Hi b.Malin, 'The Beetle Sucking Club' just sounds too horrible for words!! I reckon you need to show your spider whose boss and soon!! great hub as always, love it!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

I would have felt the same Breakfastpops...UGH, to that BIG Spider, maybe he went back to where he came from...Or is that Wishful thinking.

Movie Master, today my Sister is so Prim and Proper...but when we were kids, she was HELL on wheels...So Glady you Loved my poking Fun at those times as well as today.


AliciaC profile image

AliciaC 5 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

This is another very funny story, b. Malin! I love animals and I think that insects are interesting, but licking a beetle is just going too far - and the cockroach story sounds scary too!


Truckstop Sally profile image

Truckstop Sally 5 years ago

Funny! Gotta love those Fern Sisters! I have always heard that all spiders are poisonous - just the degree. If that is true - continue to give 'em a wide berth.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

I known, Alicia, my Sister was a "Strange" kid and I went along with most of her Antics, but not "Beetle Sucking"...and WHO likes Cockroaches! So glad I amused you once more.

Today the porch is clear of them...Maybe SOMEBODY bigger ate the one that was doing away is all the other Spiders. So Glad you find this Hub Funny Sally.


alocsin profile image

alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

And I thought this was about Spiderman's female counterpart. Great fun anyway. Voting this Up and Funny.


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....well I've got them all at my cottage here by Lake Erie - fleas, bees, spiders, flies, ants, ghouls, goblins, scary neighbors ...lol - actually, it's the people I'm afraid of most!

lake erie time 6:49pm and time for a dip into the lake before a nap and then off to work , ah summertime ...and the living is easy!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Wasn't that Sneaky of me Alocsin...Glad you still thought it was a Fun Hub. Thanks for your Vote.

Epigramman, Lake Erie sounds like a delightful Dip, very refreshing I'm sure. Yes, People can sometimes be worst than Bugs.


Cheryl Kapelner-Champ 5 years ago

What a really cool story! The kid in my heart loves it, as does the Fern Sisters too I'm sure! Now I will think of a spider web in a most unique b. Malin way!


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Why Thank You Cheryl...what our imaginations due for us...as Writer's we can spin quite a Webb! I'm so Glad you thought my story Cool.


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

I am soo proud of you , communing with the animals and all !!!.....:-}


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

I know, I know...Thank you Ahorseback. We all have our "Talents" and this one is Mine! Ha, Ha!


september girl 5 years ago

Very cute story. I hate spiders and beetles too. But I was able to catch lightening bugs in a jar. : ) thanks for sharing this with us, b. Malin.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Thank You September Girl for letting me know you're Bug Hates too. Glad you liked my Story!


Cloverleaf profile image

Cloverleaf 5 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

Hi b.Malin, your hub had me laughing from start to finish (and also cringing a little bit)!

Cheers,

Cloverleaf


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Cloverleaf, thanks for Reading and Cringing, and Enjoying...so glad I made you Laugh. I'm now going over to your Hub Site and taking a look.


akune profile image

akune 5 years ago from Surrey, England, United Kingdom

This hub was interesting. I found the comments entertaining as well. I look forward to reading more of your work. It is sleep time now in Croydon, 23:33.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago Author

Hi Akune, so glad you were able to stop by and Read and Found this Hub to be Interesting. I look forward to your reading more of my Hubs, who knows, it might make you a Follower!


DanaTeresa profile image

DanaTeresa 4 years ago from Ohio

very cute hub! i like lightning bugs, but I will admit they are kinda creepy looking.


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 4 years ago Author

Hi Dana, I am Petrified of Lightning Bugs, thanks to my sister, when we were kids...and she in turn, is afraid of Spiders, (not my FAULT) ha, ha. Anyway, I'm so glad you stopped by, and I look forward to Following your Hubs.

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