Overcoming Judgment of Others

Have you ever had one of those moments when you were gently (or not so gently) nudged into an understanding that forces you to change your thinking? As if you've been yanked into a position far away so your view is now from a much larger perspective? In that instant, values are transferred from one place to another. This type of experience has helped me recognize the truth about passing judgment on others.

A simple book, small in stature yet enormous in insight, Dropping Your Rock, by Nicole Johnson, is helping me to grasp a new truth about the freedom in choosing love over judgment.

I write about this subject not as an authority, but as a learner. Not because I have perfected or mastered it, but because I strive to overcome it. The following set of ideas highlights bits of wisdom that have helped me along my journey. This article will remain a work in progress.

Learning and striving to overcome judging others

I am not an avid reader. It's something I regret and hate all at the same time. My mind wanders when I try to read. I'll find myself 2 pages into a book and realize I've been thinking about something else the entire time. This has happened my whole life so reading a book is not something I jump to do. But every now and then a book will sweep me off my feet.

When I found this little book, Dropping Your Rock, I wasn't even at a bookstore. I was at an outlet clothing store that has a book section. Walking by I noticed the book sticking out from the rest. It's cover was dirty and there was a clearance sticker in the upper right corner. Not appealing to say the least. I walked on, then backed up to glance through it. That decision changed my life.

Glancing through the pages, I felt the warm oil of an epiphany pouring over me. I continued skimming the book and an encompassing understanding filled me. I was judging people. Not purposefully and not even aware that I was doing it. I knew I must have this book and I bought it. It was less than $3.

Judgments are hurled from our minds and lips - just like rocks

Here's the origination:

Throwing rocks:

"Almost since the beginning of time, human beings have had a brutally simple way of dealing with wrong: rocks. Someone would point out the offender in the camp or the family or the clan, and everyone would come running. Picking up a cold, hard ballot of stone, they would violently cast their vote against wrong, again and again and again until it was gone. It was their way."

Dropping Your Rock, Nicole Johnson, page 1

Photo used under Creative Commons from Striatic on Flickr

Why throwing rocks doesn't work:

Rocks don't hit problems. Rocks hit people.

As we throw, we convince ourselves that if the rock lands in just the right spot, it can knock out something evil.....If our goal is to kill our eneny, this could be the answer. But if we hope to change a friends' heart, it definitely is not.

Dropping Your Rock, Nicole Johnson, page 12

It can be an indicator of judgment

My husand tells me this sometimes and it irks me. However, I've come to appreciate this saying. Restating the obvious can be a sign of judging others.

Consider this: A young girl is pregnant by her boyfriend. We might be tempted to say things like, "They had no business doing that sort of thing," or "They were too young," or "She's in for a rough road," or "Serves them right." Everyone involved already knows all of this. Especially the girl who will bear every consequence of her actions for a very long time - probably as a single parent. What I've personally concluded is that when I restate the obvious it is usually an attempt to feel better about myself. I'm working on this.

There IS one exception. If a person is part of the SOLUTION to a situation, then sometimes it must be discussed. But those comments will have a different motive than the examples I've given. You'll know the difference.

Photo used under Creative Commons from Dano on Flickr

Do you know a Sister Bertha Better-Than-You?

Don't strip someone's value through judging them

A man speaking to a group at a convention held up a $100 bill so everyone could see it. He asked, "Who wants this $100 bill?" Everyone raised their hands. He then crumpled it and stomped on it. Everyone in the audience looked on. He picked up the $100 bill and pressed it out flat. "Who wants it now?" he asked. The entire audience again raised their hands.

The audience knew the value of the $100 and the value was INTACT. Just like people. Nothing that happens to the money changes its value - or the value of the soul.

Photo used under Creative Commons from jm3 on Flickr

The two things we judge most harshly are those things we don't struggle with at all and those things we struggle with the most.

Dropping Your Rock, Nicole Johnson, pages 25-26

I drop my rock

I put LOVE in the place of judgment?

What if I lift someone up instead of

tearing them down with my words?

What if I point out something good about

someone in the midst of their problems?

How will it change their day?

How will it change mine?

This is where I want to be in my life.

Photo used under Creative Commons from Caitlinator on Flickr

Brandon Heath has apparently had this subject on his mind too. He cries out to God, "Give me your eyes," and "Give me your arms for the broken hearted." Also, "Give me your love for humanity."

I've pondered this song on many occasions. My personal interpretation is that Brandon Heath is stating when we drop our judgments of others, we can begin to see them as God sees them.

What do you think?

Is "dropping your rock"

acceptance of wrong-doing?

Maybe it was a glance in your direction or maybe it was something said directly to you that delivered that gut punch, but whatever it was you felt judged by someone and it bothered you.

Small incident - lasting memory

I was shopping for earrings (of all things). These weren't just any earrings, these were earrings to match my wedding dress. I'd be getting married in a couple of weeks and I was willing to pay extra for something special. No doubt I was in jeans and a t-shirt running errands that day. As I approached the jewelry counter in the ritzy department store I saw the clerk look me over. Slowly, from head to toe and back to head again - judging me. Her tone confirmed my feelings as she spoke to me. I felt it and it felt degrading. If it hadn't been so blatant I would have overlooked it. That was 20 years ago.

At the same time, I must ask myself how many times I have passed judgment that affected someone for years? I cringe at the thought.

Letting it go

Yes. I'm learning that this is part of it. Sometimes it's the hardest part. Being judged by others doesn't require anything on our part. But when we are forgiving someone, we do the initiating.

I'm not talking about picking up the phone and calling someone. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, saying, "I forgive so-and-so for judging me" (in privacy) and from that point on letting it go.

Do they "deserve" the forgiveness? It is a tempting question to ask, but it has nothing to do with them. This is an action that brings you freedom.

Someone suggested our home was non-judgmental

We had family visiting us from out of town. We always have so much fun and the time is always too short. On this day, we were going shopping and right after we got in the car to leave, the family member said, "I always feel so comfortable at your house. I never feel judged." It wasn't particularly significant to the speaker to say such a thing, but for me time stood still. To know that this person did not feel "judged" at my home was the best compliment I've ever received. I didn't mention it again and neither did they - but I will remember that moment forever.