5 Steps to Better Marital Sex: Common sense ways of improving older marriages and bringing romance back.

The sad fact is that in our modern world, marriage almost doesn't stand a chance. Over 50% of first time marriages end in divorce and the stats only get worse from there. This is an unfortunate circumstance because divorce is hard on children, really hard on finances, and, frankly, it's hard our self-esteem. Nobody likes to fail. Failure makes us feel bad about ourselves, despite whatever lessons we may have learned.

Now there may be some of you out there reading this thinking, "Hey, ‘failure' is a pretty harsh term, don't you think?" And my answer is simply, "Yes, it is." However, it is not my intention to be insulting as I reveal some techniques to save some marriages that are getting old; my purpose is simply to be to-the-point. Too much "psychology" being perpetrated today is caught up in not making anyone uncomfortable for fear of how fragile we have become. It's singularly devoted not really looking straight on at the facts but comes at problems from ludicrously round about ways, almost exclusively committed to not actually saying what should be said despite all the language revolving around "honesty."

If you are looking for some lame Dr. Phil advice to try, this is not the article for you. Go check out one of his episodes and don't read this article at all. He'll tell you some sweet, kissy boo-boo stuff you can do; recommend some long-ass behavioral techniques requiring massive motivation, concentration and personality changes that you will never be able maintain after the first week of being home without him and his camera crew; and the next thing you know, you're back watching Oprah again thinking bad thoughts about your spouse as you mist up over a half-gallon of Haagen-Daz ice cream.

However, all is not lost. There is hope because I am here once more wielding my vast bombasticity on your behalf, working tirelessly to save your marriages through pedantry, obfuscation and lots of other multisyllabic stuff. So let's get started.

One of the main problems in marriages today is that, well, your spouse got fat. (See, I told you we'd jump right in.) That's right, that willowy hourglass figure your wife once had is gone - shot straight to hell by McDonalds, Starbucks and Krispy Kream. And before you men start laughing, don't. Those washboard abs you used to have? The biceps? Yeah, beer has done to your belly what donuts did to her behind. Everyone is to blame, so pipe down and listen up.

Laughter is not the point here. The point is reality. You both look like lumpy bags of yogurt, so there's no point in pretending there's anything else but that going on. You've already gone to the gym and quit, you've dieted and quit, and who knows what else you did and quit. So, now that we're standing on solid reality, let's examine the issue honestly.

A big part of the problem comes down to simple aesthetics. And while men are most notoriously "visually stimulated" the truth is that women aren't turned on by looking at 300 lbs of roly-poly goo any more than are their men. So what can we do given that we already know the gym and diets aren't going to work for very long? Welcome to tip number 1:

That's right, think of all that money people spend on plastic surgery and Jenny Craig when all they really had to do was move a bit farther down the road (or the beach or whatever). Just one of them moves, mind you, because the point is to put the magic of perspective to work, but that's all you have to do.

Distance has this great side effect of reducing the size of things. We all know this, but few use it to their mutual marital benefit. The scientific fact is, the farther you get from something, the smaller it becomes. So, the next time you and your mammoth mate are at the beach or pool or wherever else, just send one of you off a ways. Watch in amazement as that behemoth backside shrinks with each departing step. Within yards (hundreds perhaps, but still, technically just ‘yards') the gelatinous rotundity is shrunk down to elfin delicacy instead, the vile becomes nubile as she becomes a willowy creature once again and he now lean and mean. Now, I admit, in many cases (all cases) your spouse may appear much shorter too, but come on, let's not be picky now. Just be happy with how much better each of you can look!

This is a simple and easy technique for any couple to use. It takes no practice or counselor's fees, and I promise you success the very first time you try. If your spouse isn't looking better to you at first, just have them keep moving a bit farther away. Eventually it works. Guaranteed.

Alright, so that's number one. And the number two tip is related to a commonly asked question that stems from number one: How can we hang out and talk if we're so far apart?

This is a very fair question and it deserves an answer now. And the answer is a simple one involving technology. We are a lucky generation today, because we have access to things like cell-phones, iPods and Bluetooth technology. And just as Bluetooth is the answer to this question of talking over the distances at the beach, so is technology the essence of marriage saving tip number number 2:

We all know that men just go on and on about themselves. Dinner with your man is an endless litany of mind-numbing crap from his work, his bowling league and his favorite baseball team. Seriously, who cares? You sit there thinking some nights that if he doesn't shut his face soon this steak knife is going to end up right in his frickin' eye! Right? And guys, let's be honest, if you have to hear about her mother or her sisters or that some stupid friend of hers has a new goddamn baby one more time, well, ... it just makes you want to feed her to the dog is all I'm saying. But relax. Technology is your friend.

Women like romance; they like movies where guys like John Cusack or Hugh Grant say crap that is sweet and makes them cry. And men like naughty girls who don't have names but say stuff that's dirty and involves whipped cream or baby oil. And while the distance between these two things seems extreme, it's not.

This is where technology comes in. For women, the secret is to record the lines you like from all your favorite movies and put them on your iPod or whatever mp3 player that you use. Men can do the same from their favorite smut flick or even with lyrics from dirty songs. Use music. Use lines from Shakespeare plays. It doesn't matter what you like, just get stuff spoken by people you are attracted to and put them in your devices, your technology.

Then, keeping your earphones always in your ears, whenever your spouse starts to talk, just hit "play." Keep a hand in your pocket and be sure to start and stop as their mouths begin and cease to move. I mean, the point is not to make them feel as if you are ignoring them, we're just modifying their words a bit. We're still listening, obviously, just, well, think of it as filtering and you won't feel guilty. Oh, and make sure that you respond to what "they" say.

Imagine this: she says to you, "If you leave your goddamn boots by the couch one more time, I'm going to kill you, I swear to god."

But, using your new marital technique, you hit play on your iPod, so what you actually hear is: "You're a dirty boy and Mistress Manx and her three leather-clad sisters are going to have to punish you now."

See how much better that was than what your wife just said? And all thanks to technology. And it gets better, for remember, you still have to respond or she'll know that something is up.

Imagine her surprise when, after nagging about your boots, rather than argue, you respond with, "You're right. I have been bad, Mistress, and of course I think I should be spanked." Hah ha! She won't be prepared for that at all. Anyone who knows anything about women can see how quickly your marriage will improve? She gets the satisfaction of you admitting you were wrong, and you don't have to listen to her bitch. In fact, you might find yourself chained to the refrigerator discovering a side of your woman you never knew she had. Everyone wins. And it works quite the same in reverse. As his lips move to his endless droning about work or sports, in your ears he says through your iPod things like, "I weep to think of it," or, "Thou art the sun upon my warming cheek." A few exchanges like that across the dinner table and you ladies will find your hearts filling right back up with love for that scraggly old man of yours. But don't think high-tech is the only way to go. There are low tech strategies that work equally as well.

Which leads us to the third marriage saving tip. The third technique we'll examine today once more deals with the problem of age and declining appearance. It's not always possible to get far enough away as we did at the beach or swimming pool and yet the aesthetics problem still remains. Fortunately, there are some old school practices that still work very well at home. Technique number 3:

One of the most frustrating things I hear from couples, male or female, is that their spouses are not attractive anymore and that they just can no longer be turned on. I actually had one guy say to me, "I would put a bag over her head if I thought that would actually work." Comments like that really piss me off. I asked him, "Why would someone say something as dumb as that? I mean come on, are you even trying to make your marriage last? Of course a bag will work. What are you thinking? If your spouse has gotten so ugly she could make Amtrak take a dirt road, then, well, what the hell are you doing writing off a great idea like that for? Get a bag. Get two, one for her and one for you in case hers breaks."

Seriously. I didn't invent this stuff, but that doesn't mean it still won't work. And that goes for all the rest of us. Get bags. Stick photographs of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie in there and you are good to go. Don't write off this technique just because it is an old idea. The wheel is an old idea too and I don't see you complaining every time you get into a car.

That said, for many people, number three up there just isn't enough to get it done. Some complaints I hear are that the bags are clumsy, they fall off, they tear, and sometimes they get peoples' animals all riled up with all that crinkling noise they make. (Personally, I think pets should leave during moments like that, but I am not in control of the universe yet, so, we'll just leave it at that for now.) Anyway, sometimes it's more basic than even that, sometimes, it comes back to the issues with body size. Even with a bag, you can still tell that that partner of yours is not the hardbody he or she used to be.

Well, fair enough. We're a superficial and hypocritical lot, and this is an article deeply rooted in reality. So, item number four on our list goes back to the perspective thing we discussed up in number one. But the problem in a house is that it's difficult to get far enough away for distance to reduce the relative aesthetic mass of your beloved mate - and sending him or her out of the room is just plain rude - but there is one other technique besides bags that you can employ inside the home. That is tip number 4:

Yep, that's it. True it will be expensive at first, but unlike the cost of marriage counseling, the results are permanent. Buy a great big couch and get recliners that are bigger than your car. Get everything huge. Once your whole house is over-sized, think how svelte and slender the two of you will seem. Your partner, once a bloated slob that overflowed his half of the bed like Jabba the Hut lying on a postage stamp will now appear lean and mean, like a sizzling link of sexual sausage lying on a piece of wonder bread and leaving lots of room for you. Breakfast is served. The same visual perspective works for women too (except, obviously without the sausage part of the metaphor, because, I mean, that doesn't work for girls exactly. Well, the size part does relative to the bread, but, the rest of it is kind of awkward really if you think about it very hard. But the point remains the same is what I'm saying). The bottom line with this technique is just to make one another look small. It's simple and effective, and like the first technique above, it's guaranteed to work.

The last item on our list has more to do with hygiene. It's a sad fact that many people after they've been married for countless years begin to let their personal habits go. It's nothing to be ashamed of, most everyone does it to one degree or another, but this behavior is not without its negative sexual effects. It's just hard to feel attracted to someone with bad breath, 80-grit razor stubble or exuding odors that have vultures circling your house.

What's worse, we've already seen that people are incredibly hard to change, so, given this reality, how can we deal with this decline in bodily maintenance without being unreasonable in what we expect from our mates? The answer here is, again, a matter of perspective, and it is sex tip number 5:

Alright, again with perspective, but this time, it's not spatial perspective we're dealing with but temporal perspective instead. Temporal, for those unfamiliar, has to do with time. What time, you ask? Well, my personal suggestion is Medieval Europe, or any time during the Renaissance, preferably the streets of London during the Bubonic Plague.

Yes, the perspective shift I'm talking about is one where you move your expectations back several hundred years. Instead of watching those ridiculous soap and toothpaste commercials on TV and thinking anyone is actually going to do that for their entire life, just accept reality and shift your expectations back five centuries or so. Hell, if you really want to commit, adopt an English accent and you can really make it work. Watch some old black and white movies of Oliver Twist or David Copperfield and pay attention to how people looked and acted back then. Heck, you can even just watch the Tortuga island scenes from the more recent Pirates of the Caribbean movies. That's exactly the lifestyle you need to envision when you are getting cozy with a spouse of twenty years. It requires some role playing, true, but everyone knows that's good for spicing up romance anyway. You just have to commit a little more.

Think sleeping in filth and not bathing for months on end. Try to romanticize the concept of bed bugs and a halitosis kiss. I admit it takes practice, but try saying things to your man like, "'Ello guv'nah, fancy a slap and tickle?" What man couldn't look past his wife's cheese-encrusted grill and gingivitis breath after a line like that, eh? It's even better if you really dedicate yourself and just stop bathing all together. Marriage is a commitment after all.

This technique works well in conjunction with item number two if your skill with accents isn't very good. And for others, this technique is a snap. People living in England and Australia can achieve almost instantaneous results with this advice, so I hope you folks enjoy!

So there you have it, five great ways to save your marriage through better sex. None of these ideas probably fit with all the garbage you've been fed by the media and schools teaching modern psychology, but the truth is, sometimes someone has to be the person willing to speak out against the paradigms created by the establishment. Divorce rates have been skyrocketing in almost perfect parallel with the developments of modern psychology. Just look and you will see. Coincidence? I think not. So, rather than just going with what you "know" and listening to more of Dr. Phil's fairies-and-unicorns advice, take a good hard look at reality. I think you will see that my advice is much more sound, built on the practical and yet profound. Take some time to let these techniques work for you and watch your marriage become a hotbed of emotion again.