A 'Lost' Mayberry Script: "Goober And The Devil"

WRITER'S NOTE: This hub is dedicated to a true hub-writing genius, ThoughtSandwiches, whose hubs have given me hours of thrilling, imaginary adventures as I've sat in awe of this hubber's amazing literary talent. His writing is in a field by itself. To you, ThoughtSandwiches. Enjoy. ~ Kenneth

Before the highly-popular Andy Griffith Show sadly, went off the airways, a script that was supposed to be used when the Andy Griffith Show gave way to the poor facsimile, Mayberry R.F.D, with Ken Berry, was lost. Never recovered. Although Griffith and the producers, writers, and the part-time security guard, "Thad," looked frantically for the script, the sad result was no script was ever found. "Thad" was fired on the spot for someone, according to sources close to Griffith, had to be the 'scape goat' whose name just happened to be Jimmy.

This is the script that was found in an attic of an old, deserted house in Mount Airy, North Carolina, by a couple of kids who had thrown their prize baseball through the living room window.

Numerous emails. Phone calls. Visits to Mount Airy to get a first-hand interview with the kids, (whose lawyer specialized in accident cases and wore a shark skin suit threatened to sue me if the kids' names were used), never materialized.

I am only left with this script that was simply entitled:

"Goober And The Devil."

ACT ONE

A lively party has just broken up in the home of Sam Jones and his son, Mike, who always asks questions like, "Pa, why is there water?", Millie Swanson, the new girl at Hanson's Bakery, Goober Pyle, single, and a decent mechanic, Andy Taylor and Helen Crump, who are secretly sneaking out of town to gamble at Raleigh's new Indian casino, True Americans' Revenge, and Aunt Bea, and who is just there to round-out the scene.

Sam: Whew, that was a barrel of fun, gang.

Millie: I love that song, "Beer Barrel Polka!"

Andy: Gang? What gang? Ohhhh, yeah. You mean us.

Helen: Ohh, Andy. You are such a card!

Andy (looks at Helen sternly) Shhh. Do you want to give our secret away? You beat everything. You know that?

Helen: Sorry, huh. That angry outburst doesn't scare me like it did Barney.

Sam: Anyone for coffee?

Mike: Pa, may I have some coffee? I've got a big math test tomorrow.

Sam: (embarrassed) No, Mike. Uh, you see, coffee's for grown-ups.

Mike: (confused) but pa, you always let our hired Brazilian girl, "Naomi," drink all the coffee she wants--and she is only eighteen.

THE REST OF THE CAST GAZE AT SAM IN SURPRISE.

Sam: (really embarrassed) Oh, uh, Mike, in her country, coffee is a national drink and I didn't want her to think that we were uncivilized brutes.

Goober: is she single? Hey, I need a date to the Harvest Ball, Sam. Come on! Tell me if she's single. Uh, oh! I can't speak Spanish. I know. I'll call my cousin, Gomer. Them Marines all know how to talk foreign.

Millie: ohh, Goober. Always with the jokes. By the way, you are banned from Hanson's Bakery for dropping eclair crumbs on the floor last week.

Andy: what hired girl? I didn't see her come into town. And you know that I have to be 'on top' of all the things that happen in Mayberry.

Helen: on top? Seriously, Andy?

ANDY IS SHAMED BY HELEN. PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN.

Sam: See what you got started, Mike!

Mike: Yeah, I guess, pa, but I can't figure out why you always tell her to wear, them, uh, uh, nurse's uniforms, high heels, and weird looking stuff.

Sam: (very irritated) Mike! I'm a widower . . .and I have, uh, needs . . .

Mike: pa, are you a spider?

Sam: Mike! Go study for your test---NOW!

Millie: Ohh, Sam. Settle down. I will be glad to put Mike to bed.

MIKE AND MILLIE EXIT

Aunt Bea: (laughs) I'll fix the coffee, Sam. I know my way around the kitchen.

Sam: (changes his mind) Oh, Aunt Bea, on second thought, it's now 8:15 and I've got corn to plow in the morning at 9, so we best call it a night.

Aunt Bea: (angry) just because of that one time that I accidentally put "Bowel Aid," the laxative for elder people, in Reverend Tucker's coffee when he was visiting us, people have forgiven me. (starts to sob).

Andy: Oh, there, there. Aunt Bea. A good bowel movement is good for a body.

Helen: There you go again with that country philosophy.

Millie: I'm back. Sam, Mike is asleep. Ohhh, well, everyone's leaving. I thought we would have some java, I mean, coffee. I'm an innocent, quiet unattached girl and coffee has never went over these lips.

Andy: good night, Sam. Night, Millie.

Helen: good night, Sam. Night, Millie.

Aunt Bea: I'll say it was a good night...good for making me feel bad!

Goober: night, Sam, Millie.--you coming, Millie?

Millie: ohhh, how embarrassing, Goober. I'm going to stay a while and make sure that Sam is unwound before he turns in.

Goober: what is he a clock? (makes his famous clicking sound with his mouth. Points at Millie. Winks at Sam).

ANDY, HELEN, GOOBER EXIT.

FADE OUT.

ACT TWO

Andy Taylor, Floyd Lawson (the barber), and Goober Pyle are 'loafing,' okay. Sitting inside the court house.

Goober: (whistles) that was some wing-ding at Sam's last night!

Floyd: wing ding? Is the carnival in town again?

Andy: no, Floyd. Yeah, it was a big to do, Goober. Say, fellas,

FLOYD AND GOOBER BOTH SAY: "Fellas"

Andy: do you two know anything about this hired girl that Mike was talking about last night?

Floyd: not me, Andy. I wasn't there. Remember? I'm never invited to shindigs because of my political views.

Andy: don't feel bad, Floyd. Neither is Goober. He just, ha, ha, shows up without being invited. Floyd, you know what we made up to call him, you know, in the barber shop last week, "Barge In, Goober"?

Floyd: (laughs loudly. Slaps his knee) Yeeeeahhhh. That was a good one, Andy. Barge In, Goober.

Goober: are you making fun of me?

Andy: naaah, Goober. Just some needed fun.

Floyd: I got to go back to work, fellas. I might miss another fifty-cents.

FLOYD EXITS

Goober: well, I got a lube job in thirty minutes. Be seeing ya, Andy. Say, when is the next party?

Andy: (looks sly) Oh, uh, Goob. It might be a laung time. A real laung time before another party is held in Mayberry. But we'll let you know if there is a party. Okay? And watch out for the hired girl and keep me posted.

ACT THREE

At Wally's Service Station outside of Mayberry. Goober is sitting at his desk pondering on how to change the oil in a car that has been in the shop for three weeks.

The phone rings.

Goober: Wally's! This is Goober speakin!

Andy: Hey, uh, Goober, I need the squad car this afternoon. Is the oil changed yet?

Goober: Nope, still as dark as asphalt. I'll check it again. Maybe it's changed by now.

Andy: (sly) I heard that the VFW was having a dance tomorrow night and it's by invitation only, so I thought you, "Barge In, Goober," would love to show up at this thang. (ANDY HORSE LAUGHS. HANGS UP.)

GOOBER IS NOW FEELING REJECTED. HUMILIATED. BLUE. WHY WOULD ANDY, WHO HE THOUGHT WAS HIS PAL, MAKE FUN OF HIM ON THE PHONE LIKE THAT.

Suddenly, Goober hears what he thinks is a customer drive up to the gas pumps. He walks to the door. And is hindered by a voice behind him.

It's The Devil, (played by the late Frank Gorshin)

Devil: pal, where you going? Why the rush?

Goober: who's that? Come out or I'll . . .

Devil: no worries, Goober. I'm here as your ONLY friend.

Goober: I got plenty of friends. And who are you?

Devil: Oh, my boy, let's just say that I'm someone who knows you better than you do.

Goober: you my mama?

Devil: what a keen wit you have about yourself, son. People call me, "Gentleman Dan," and no, I'm here to set you straight on a few things about yourself. Only as a friend. Not like Floyd, that greedy barber and that power-hungry Taylor man. No. I'm here to help you, Goober.

Goober: help me do what, change the oil in the squad car in there?

Devil: (laughs sinister) no, son. I've been watching you for years. And I've seen you at dances, these pagans in Mayberry, have to celebrate a harvest thing and other social events, but you want me to tell you the honest truth?

Goober: uhh, yeah. I guess. You wouldn't lie to me, would you? Say, why is your head got two sharp knots on each side?

Devil: oh, uhhh, born that way. Now are you ready for the truth?

Goober: I guess so. Let's have a bottle of pop.

Devil: is it alcoholic?

Goober: (chuckles) naww, just Persimmon Crush and Orange Smash. Want one?

Devil: no, son. I have an allergy against non-alcoholic drinks.

Goober: well, sir, this ain't Rome. We don't have any of that Holy Water!

Devil: Shhhh! Please! I beg you! No more talk about Holy Water. Now let me tell you something, son. Would you please listen?

Goober: yeah. I'm listening.

Devil: well, this may hurt a bit, but Goober, have you noticed recently that this Andy, Sam, Helen, even Floyd and Aunt Bea, are sorta laughing at you to your face?

Goober: yeah, but they are only joking. They are good folks. They love to joke.

Devil: What about that vulgar name, "Barge In, Goober?" Think that's nice?

Goober: hmmm, well now, I don't really know. There was this time that Opie, Andy's boy, and his pal, Trent, put a walkie-talkie under a dog's collar to make him look like he was talking, that was a good joke I tell you!

Devil: Son! Are you really thinking straight? "Barge In," is a very-hurtful title to carry around. And that about the talking dog, well, my case is made. Goober, you are being made a fool of by your so-called friends.

Goober: now that you mention it, they ARE making fun of me like that travelling man who heard my name on that Colonel Tim's Talent Parade on that television show that Howard Sprague went on one time to try his hand at being a comic. You may have something there, mister.

Devil: course I do. And did you notice whom was made more fun of by that Sprague fella? You, Goober! The rest of the people he named were just 'poked' a little, but you, my boy, Howard made you look like a blue ribbon-winning fool! And did you also know that Andy drove him to the television station? Andy, I hear, helped Howard write that joke about YOU on the way, Goober. Now what do you say?

Goober: yeah! Yeah! What can I do about this, mister?

Devil: well, I'm not one to cause confusion, but if you do just as I say, your days of being called that awful, "Barge In, Goober," and all the laughing at you will cease. I mean stop. At once. So here is what you do, son.

FADE OUT AS THE DEVIL TALKS TO GOOBER ABOUT HIS GAMEPLAN.

ACT FOUR

The scene opens with yet another lively party at the home of Sam Jones, farmer, widower, and secretly-hoping to win the election to head-up the Mayberry city council.

Sam, Andy, and Helen are standing behind Millie Swanson, who is 'beating' out a jazzy song on the piano while Sam, Andy and Helen sing in complete harmony as Aunt Bea is seated on the couch almost nodding off to sleep due to the "medicine," she 'has' to consume each day to keep her blood circulating. The medicine is an old recipe from the late Otis Campbell's wife who has long-since left Mayberry out of shame and rejection when Otis was ran down by a State Police car while he was sitting in the middle of the highway--drinking a bottle or three of Rafe Hollister's delicious moonshine.

Sam: whoo-eee, what a night, gang! Anyone for some rook?

Andy: Sam, you know that we don't gamble.

Helen: (whispers) you hypocrite!

Andy: (clears throat) say, Sam, uhhh, do you still let that, uhhh, Naomi, work for you?

Sam: wy' yes, Andy. Why?

Andy: Helen and I were wanting to get her to clean our house.

Sam: don't you mean houses? You two aren't married yet, Andy! Ohhhm, what a sharp one, Andy!

Andy: (agitated) no really, Sam. Be a sport. I need her to, uhhh, clean the courthouse and maybe my house if her price is right.

Helen: (angry) Andy, please! You are shaming me in front of Sam. You or I do not need this hired-girl for anything. Where is your head tonight?

Andy: (disgusted) well go on and spoil the surprise I had for you, Helen!

Helen: surprise? What surprise?

Sam: yeah, what surprise?

Millie: the only surprise I know is that Goober isn't here uninvited.

Aunt Bea: so true, Millie. So true. Oh, Millie! Would you be a dear and lead me to the bathroom, I, uh, seem to have trouble standing.

Millie: sure, Aunt Bea. My motto is: 'always help the elderly.'

AUNT BEA SCOWLS AT THE INNOCENT MILLIE.

Andy: well, Helen, if you must know. I was going to see where Naomi buys her clothing and see if she could get me a discount on the clothes that I was planning on giving you for your birthday.

Helen: my birthday was last week!

Andy: next year! Do you ever listen to me? Sam, do you think you might send Naomi to the courthouse tomorrow when she is done with you, I mean your house, and talk to me about where she gets her clothing?

Sam: sure, Andy. Be glad to. Oh yeah, I can use your help in the election to head-up the city council of Mayberry.

Helen: Andy, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were that interested in ladies clothing. Forgive me.

ANDY WINKS AT SAM. GIVES HIM THE OKAY SIGN WITH HAND.

Mike: Pa, can I stay up a little later tonight since tomorrow is Saturday?

Sam: uhhh, well, I guess, but do not ask what's in the brown bottles that we are going to drink from later. Okay?

Mike: brown bottles?

Andy: uhhh, Mike, sometimes when I was a boy . . .

Helen: geez, here we go again with "Tales of A Young Taylor Boy,"

Andy: (sneers at Helen. Then continues) I found out that it was better to just be quiet. And that way, I learned more. Like you tonight. When we all sit around holding our brown bottles and putting them to our mouths, you just sit and watch. You don't have to talk. And if you do that, I won't have to tell your pa about seeing you sneaking a smoke in the alley behind the courthouse two weeks ago.

MIKE LOOKS SCARED. SHAKES HANDS WITH ANDY.

Aunt Bea: Sam, do you want me to bake a cake?

Sam: at this hour? Oh, I mean. No, Aunt Bea. You just sit there and rest.

Millie: I will, Sam. Bake a cake, that is.

Sam: NO, I mean, well, thanks, Millie, but I think that I need to start cutting down on sharing my groceries with friends. The economy is in such bad shape, you see?

Andy: good point, Sam. A wise man once told me...

Helen: Andy! Seriously? Do you have to keep on and on with that corn pone philosophy all of the time?

Andy: uhh, well, Helen, that's pretty much all I know to say to you because I want you to be impressed at my worldly wisdom.

Helen: I'm so sorry, Andy. I just lost control. Forgive me.

Andy: heyyy, when we get out of here tonight, let's play that new game I saw on television last week, "The Newlywed Game," but we won't need Bob Eubanks, the host with that fake smile. We can just ask each other some intimate marital questions with the lights out.

ANDY LOOKS WILD IN HIS EYES. HELEN SLAPS HIS FACE.

Sam: ha, ha, looks like you two are already hitched.

Aunt Bea: Sam? Seriously? Now you have to bring that up?

Helen (stone-faced) well, Aunt Bea, Andy told me one time that you said I was a darling of a girl. What happened? Did I offend you?

SAM, MIKE, MILLIE AND AUNT LOOK ON IN DISBELIEF.

Aunt Bea: dear Helen, what I really said was, 'Helen would fit in rather nicely with one of the Darling clan.'

Helen: (cries) Andy Taylor, you forked-tongued....man! How could you?

Sam: What a sight! Mike, get the Polaroid. We need photos of this.

Millie: Please, people! Stop this anger this instant! I'm an innocent girl who doesn't believe in spats, feuds, or fighting. Now, Andy, Helen, kiss and make up.

Andy: Millie, why don't you do us all a favor and go home!

Helen: yeah, dearie. Andy, that was the smartest thing you've ever said.

Sam: Ohhh, ha, ha. Let's all have some brown bottles. How about it, gang?

Mike: oh boy oh boy oh boy! The brown bottles.

SUDDENLY 'NAOMI' COMES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR DRESSED AS ELVIRA, MISTESS OF THE DARK.

Sam: Naomi?

Andy: (whistles. Eyes bug out) Naaaooomi!

Helen: Andy, time to go!

Andy: shut up, Helen. Get the brown bottles.

Aunt Bea: who is this heathen, Sam? She looks like a witch from Salem!

Naomi: meester, Sam, eez theese how yew wanted Naomi to look tonight?

Sam: (stunned. Laughing nervously) uhhh, Naomi, now see here. I, did, uh, say for you, to, be here after DARK, not as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Why don't you go back outside and sweep the porch?

Naomi: yeeees, meester, Sam. I do whatever you say. (winks as she leaves).

HELEN RECLUCTANTLY BRINGS OUT THE BROWN BOTTLES OF BEER. ANDY, SAM, AUNT BEA ALL PARTAKE OF A ROUND OR TWO.

THEN THREE OR FOUR MORE ROUNDS.

OKAY. SIX OR SEVEN ROUNDS OF COLD BEER.

THE LIGHTS GO OUT IN SAM'S HOUSE.

Helen: am I seeing things, or is it dark?

Andy: just the 'stuff' in the brown bottles. I thought you was an educated woman.

Sam: Shhh. Listen. Someone's out there.

Aunt Bea: Thanks, Sam. You're such a buzz kill.

MIKE IS NOW FAST ASLEEP FROM BOREDOM.

THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN. GOOBER ENTERS WEARING AN EXPENSIVE THREE-PIECE SUIT, FINGER RING, TAILOR-MADE ITALIAN SHOES.

Sam: Goober?

Andy: That ain't Goober, Sam. This stuff in these bottles is a bit stout.

Helen: it is Goober. Hello!

Aunt Bea: oh brother. How did he find out about our party this time?

Millie: Goober? Is that you? Oh, I, maybe I was wrong about banning you from the bakery...oh, I, would like it very much if you . . .

Goober: just shut up, Millie. All of you. Just shut up.

Andy: listen, Goober. This is Sam's house and I...

Goober: did you hear me say, shut up?

Andy: well, uh, yeah.

Sam: just do it. He looks angry.

Millie: I like that in a man, errr, I mean, a little spice never hurt anybody.

Helen: what a change in someone. I cannot believe it's really you, Goober!

Goober: yeah. It's me alright. Good ol' 'Barge In, Goober,' right, Andy?

Helen: what's he talking about, Andy?

Andy: just a little joke that me and Floyd...

Goober: I'm talking if you don't mind, Andy.

Aunt Bea: the last time you were obnoxious was the time you grew a beard. Mercy, what's with you this time?

Goober: shut up, Aunt Bea. You too, Mike. I got some things to say.

GOOBER CONTINUES:

"Barge in?" Was that right, Andy? The name you called me in the courthouse? And on the phone at Wally's? You suck as friend. You know that? For years, you and that poor excuse for a woman, Helen, have made remarks about me that hurt so bad, but like an idiot, I laughed along with you. And Sam, good ol' Sam. Honest. Pure. Hard-working. Yeah. Like the time you took Millie away from me at a dance that we were attending. Good ol' Sam. Are you having trouble with your testosterone, Sam? Seems that all you do is make fun of me and lust for women. And you, Aunt Bea, some Christian lady. Sing in the choir on Sunday in the new choir robes and behind my back, ridicule me for growing a beard and learning things. I'm tired of all this, folks. From tonight forward, the next person who even forms their mouth to make fun of Goober...gets it! Understand? I've been pushed too far.

SILENCE COVERS THE CAST.

Andy: we need to get that boy a date. Now!

Millie: Wy', Goober, I would volunteer for that job!

Goober: shut up, Millie! I got a date. A REAL date. Come in here, Naomi!

Naomi: yeez, meester, Goober. What eez eet that you desire?

Sam: Na--omi? How could you?

Andy: yeah, how could you?

Helen: you go, girl!

Aunt Bea: she will go alright. Straight to hades dressed like that.

Goober: I ran into Naomi on her way to your place tonight, Sam, and we had a long talk about people and things in Mayberry and turns out, Naomi feels like I do and well, we are a couple and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Ready to go, Naomi?

GOOBER AND NAOMI EXIT LEAVING THE CAST IN SHOCK.

The Devil then enters the scene.

Devil: ohh, excuse me, friends. I'm lost. I'm looking for a gentleman by the name of Barney Fife? Anyone here know of him?

FADE OUT. CAST FAINTS.

THE END.

Hope you enjoyed yourself. And I thank you for reading this hub. I'm serious.